What is Sex Pornography Addiction
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a postulated form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
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This is cross posted in the spouses forum but I wanted addicts opinions as well.
Okay, so if I always do what I've always done, then I'll always get what I've always got, right? He really does seem (emphasis on seem) sincere about addressing his issues with porn. He uses it for stress relief with intense emotion being his biggest trigger, with boredom following closely. Boredom is pretty easy to fix though and he's done really well staying busy by actually starting to pull his weight around the house and with the kids. Who knew the man could cook? Anyway...now I have to change some things too? Because I've grown so accustomed to our relationship being more align with a parent/child relationship than an equal partnership. And I have to admit I am still suspicious that it's all smoke and mirrors and will disappear at any moment. I have no faith left in him at all. What do I do? Do I change anything? I am very good at living in the moment, being appreciative and providing positive reinforcement but then again I'm thinking of him in terms of a child who is displaying appropriate behavior. It's hard not to do, as I gauge him at approximately 14 years old emotionally. Anyone know how to break out of that mold? I am not controlling, I don't micromanage, I'm not enmeshed with the kids. After 5 years of individual therapy I am confident that I'm not enabling him nor am I codependent. I have my own life entirely separate from him...my career is going extremely well and I'm financially capable. I do tend to be responsible for more things as far as the house and kids go but that's because that's where I live and they are also my kids...so I take care of things as I see fit, regardless of what he does. If that makes sense? For instance, I work full time and refuse to spend all my days off cleaning the house so I hired a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks and do the heavy or monotonous stuff, like dusting and scrubbing the floors and the bathrooms. He says that is a waste of money because we are more than capable of doing it ourselves. Still others say that's what the three kids are for! I told him I may be capable but I'm unwilling. I go to the gym 2-3 times a week to run, for me...I love getting that runners high and I feel so good afterward. It's my addiction. I do yoga, I spend time with friends and family, etc. In fact, we don't have much of a life together at all. The only behavior I have that might be construed as codependent is the filter on the computer, which is there only for the kids and he knows the password so he can turn it off anytime he chooses. I told him when we got it...B2 had managed to find his way to a very soft-core gay porn site once and I was just a little upset, considering he was 7 at the time... that it was only for the kids and that I'm not his mother because he asked me not to tell him the password. He chose to put Covenant Eyes on the computer and has me set up as his accountability partner and I've asked him to find someone else. I don't want to know. I don't want to spend a single minute on that crap. I've got the reports coming every 2 weeks and I really only read the top part...looks good or not. If not, I'll glance at the high scoring sites and half the time they're mine! I can't turn off the natural counselor part though. When he wants to talk I listen and I offer feedback but I'm really emotionally removed...as if he were a client instead of my husband. Is there anything I should be doing? Will I find myself engaging again at some point? Will it happen naturally or do I have to work on it? And then again should I even bother? But then again I am *stuck* there for the next 2 years so I figure why not? What have I got to lose, really? This is really bugging me. If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got. And around and around we go, where it stops nobody knows! Posted on 07/01/09, 05:07 pm |
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Here is my take on this. I am not as eloquent or well studied as some, but I have been in recoveryu for over 5 years.
The man (who can cook!) must commit to recovery for himself and himself only. Anything else will not work. IF he is currently trying to "quit the oprn" for you, then any time he gets angry at you... he can go act out. However it seems like you are doing the best you can on your side. I would say that if he is serious about recovery he will get into some kind of program and begin to work on himslef. I ramble, so I hope this helps. Good luck 
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I think he's working on it, but he's very repressed. He gets turned off with the scientific information because then he might have to recognize that his parents weren't/aren't saints and he's not ready to go there. And the religious stuff doesn't really work either. I think he would rather think of himself as being morally deficient than honestly look at his childhood.
I've tried to explain that a toxic childhood doesn't mean the worst childhood imaginable...it just means toxic to that individual child. Sure, his parents were great, as long as he did what they wanted, when they wanted, the way they wanted and never expressed any negative emotion. They are still that way! So he learned to lie, cheat and steal to make them think everything was fine so he wouldn't get into BIG TROUBLE. And he will not elaborate as to what BIG TROUBLE looked like. I had to remove myself from his recovery because I am a problem solver by nature. Identify the problem and fix the fucker, simple as that. Do whatever you have to do to reach the goal. Or, as Foghorn Leghorn so eloquently put it..."Keep your eye on the ball, son." Yeah...I guess I'll just have to wait and see but that is really hard for me to do. I have to let him do this his way, at his pace. Or not do it at all, because that's a choice as well. Thanks.
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Hi Starbright,
First let me congratulate you on what I see as a remarkably good recovery. Seems to me that you have done everything you needed to do. Therefore, I suggest you trust your instincts. As for trust, he needs to earn it. It is not up to you to learn to give it. Once he gets healthy, you will know. The reason you can't seem to trust him is because, according to what you are saying, he is spinning his proverbial wheels and not getting very far. Pia Mellody states that we cannot move on with our recovery until we know our own history. There are several reasons for this. One is that if we don't know the nature of our wounds then we don't learn how to heal them. We also cannot understand how those wounds have affected us as adult codependents until we can make the connection. Furthermore, it is difficult to see how powerless we are over the behavior until we recognize that we were powerless over the trauma itself and that our compulsions developed as adaptive mechanisms; mechanisms we needed to survive this toxic childhood. According to Pia's model, until he is able to recognize the role the trauma played in his addiction, he will remain in denial and not be able to process it. Furthermore, I believe that until we are able to say to ourselves "the trauma was not about me" we cannot develop appropriate levels of self esteem. If we cannot develop appropriate self esteem, we cannot develop well functioning boundaries (because we don't see ourselves as worthy of protecting ourselves) and continue to engage in self-defeating behavior. If we cannot develop functional boundaries, we cannot be relational. Boundaries are essential for having healthy relationships. Boundary work is a deeply spiritual process as well. For this reason, I don't believe people can fully recover unless the see the spiritual nature of this work. It is unfortunate that many people confuse religion with spirituality or that they think being spiritual is "hokey." This type of attitude usually stems from being jaded by one of our parents (we believe something is deeply flawed in us when our parents reject or abuse us) or some spiritual leader. I was once an atheist. I now recognize that my father's abandoning and betraying me resulting in my having difficulty accepting the most common metaphor we use to relate to God, that of God as the Father. Realizing that my father's abandonment had nothing to do with my self worth, went a long way to help me heal. Keep up the good work. He seems to be trying. Your support and confidence in his ability will fuel his determination. However, your trust is not for free. You will know when he is ready to be trusted. I hope this helps. Best of luck. soberone
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I started my own personal recovery long before I even met my husband. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I tell you not, I could have easily been their poster child. So, at about 21 years old I started working on the issues that were the most destructive to me, like the inability to say no and taking responsibility for everything. Lost a boyfriend when I started doing that, come to think of it. Well, he didn't fall out of my back pocket or anything like that but the relationship didn't work when I started standing up for myself.
I think I was lucky because by nature I'm an introvert and very introspective and self-aware. And then my professional background has provided me with numerous opportunities to learn and grow as a person. When I got married I backslid into some of the codependent behaviors and I was very confused as to why because he wasn't an alcoholic or a druggie. Took me 5 years to figure out what was going on and now, nearly 10 years later, I've got myself pretty well sorted out but he is still pear shaped. I wish I could help him but he's going to have to figure out his childhood stuff on his own. He gets extremely defensive whenever I criticize his parents...oddly enough though, he does recognize when they are inconsiderate, insensitive and invalidating with our kids and will in fact stand up for them...ok, most of the time he follows my lead but still...he has and will stand up to them regarding our kids. He and his sister are both always making excuses for the vile filth that spews from their parents mouths. Pisses me off to no end. But if he can see that, maybe one day he'll make the connection. His parents are going to be here for a week next month. I wonder if there's anything I can do to facilitate his awareness? Because I am not waiting around forever...he has about 2 years.
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