Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Quoted from "Out Of The Shadows" By Patrick Carnes Ph.D

Pg 101-106
Needs and Sexuality

Addicts report that as children they felt desperately lonely, lost, and unprotracted. Not only was there a lack of nurturing, but also there was no one to show them how to take care of themselves or keep them from harm. Not being able to count on, depend upon, the adults in one's life to meet needs is a key element in addiction.
As the child matures, there begins a search for that which is dependable-something that you can trust to make you feel better. Trust and dependancy are the issues that determine personal strength and confidence or vulnerability to enslaving addiction. For in the lonely search for something or someone to depend on (which has already excluded parents) a child can start to find those things which always comfort, which always feel good, which always are there, and which always do what they promise. For some, alcohol and drugs are the answer. For others it is food. And there is always sex, which usually costs nothing and nobody else can regulate.
This choice stems from the addicts third core belief that is about needs: "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others." In healthy families, children have a deep sense that their parents care for them as opposed to abandoning them. Healthy parenting includes touching, loving, affirmimng and guiding. The child feels cared for even when struggling with rules and limits. Trust in one's self, as well as trust of others, emerges in that relationship.
When a child's exploration of sexuality goes beyond discovery to routine self comforting because of the lack of human care, there is potential for addiction. Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing. Moreover, the assumption is made that everyone else feels and acts the same. Therefore, to feel secure means to be sexual.
Consequently, the child's relationships with people have the potential for being replaced with an addictive relationship with sexuality. Addiction is a relationship - a pathological relationship in which sexual obsession replaces people. And it can start very early. The final core belief of the addict emerges clearly; "Sex is my most important need."

The kinds of childhood situations described here are further complicated when children are surrounded by negative rules, messages, and judgements about sex. When addicts and their spouses study their families of origin, they are flooded with memories of events where they were told that being sexual was bad or, worse, that they were bad for being sexual.

When childrens primary source of comfort is sex and yet they are told by those whose judgements count the most that to be sexual is perverse, the conclusions they make about themselves are clear. They are unlikable. They need to hide that central part of themselves, which others will despise. Rather than repressing the sexual behaviours, they hide them or keep them secret. Needing to keep that central part of themselves secret adds to the pain and lonliness - which in turn, creates a need for comfort, making the sexual fix that much more necessary.

THE CORE BELIEFS OF THE ADDICTS WORLD Pg: 107-110

All addicts can find elements of their sexual compulsiveness in their early years. Even if no overt experiences of abuse exist, the fundamental self doubt and distrust of others lie waiting as potential factors in addiction. Examples of all four core beliefs can be idenitied in the addicts childhood. However when the addiction takes over, an addicts life varies according to individual life experience.
For some, the compulsiveness starts early, such as in the case of the young exhibitionist who started exposing himself right after his mother's death. For others, compulsiveness emeregs full force in adult years, usually in response to stress and anxiety. For every addict the common denominator is the addictive system. The addicts belief system lays the foundation for impaired thinking that supports the addictive cycle (preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive pattern of sex and behaviour, depression). The resulting unmanageability and powerlessness confirm and deepen the core beliefs. At that point, when the belief system, including the core beliefs is intensified, the addictive system becomes fully engaged.
The core beliefs that were part and parcel of the addicts growing up become central to the addicts world as an adult. Each core belief contributes to the disconnection between the interior world the addict experiences, with its pain and shame, and the exterior image the addict projects to keep the secret world safe. The addict lives in constant personal "jeopardy", dreading the moment when the secret world will be unmasked. The addict becomes more isolated as the secret life grows. Family and friends become more peripheral. Loved ones struggle with the increasing alienation, as well as a mounting number of discrepancies between what the addict says and does. They cannot penetrate into the addicts secret world. Each core belief adds to the barriers protecting the internal world.
The belief "I am basically a bad and unworthy person" structures the emotional foundations of the addicts world. Addicts conclude from their family experiences that they are not worthwhile persons. Feelings of inadequacy and failure predominate. Addicts even see humiliation and degradation as justified or deserved. The desparate struggle around sexual compulsivity absolutely confirms this belief and enhances feelings of low self worth. Addicts are committed to hiding the secret reality of their addiction at all costs because of their worthiness. Yet the addiction guides almost all behaviour and decisions.
Addicts create a front of 'normalcy' to hide their sense of inadequacy. They may even appear grandiose and full of exaggerated self importance, The front contrasts with actions that appear degrading or self-defeating or both. Others see decisions or behaviours as irrational, unfathomable, or even self-destructive, but not 'normal'.
Close friends and family members become angry and frustrated with the addicts egocentric quality, especially when there is insensitivity to others. They are troubled at what looks like destructive or curious behaviour that does not fit the image the addict projects.
The belief "No one would love me as I am" also sustains the secret world. Addicts continue to believe that everyone would abandon them if the truth were known. Consequently, they have a constant fear of being vulnerable or dependant on others. Addicts [ercieve their behaviour as so bad that everything that goes wrong becomes their fault. Addicts assume responsibility for all the pain in loved ones. Honest guilt and remorse cannot be expressed because that would require honesty about behaviour. Addicts progressively become more isolated from normal contact with family and friends.
Significant persons in the addicts life start to feel cut out, pushed away, useless, neglected, and unnecessary. They become confused: the addict makes seemingly generous gestures, but lacks any personal warmth or presence. The family and friends feel angry, hurt and rejected in response to the addicts contradictory behaviour.
"My needs are never going to met if I have to depend upon others" is the core belief that provides the addiction with its driving power. The survival needs of the child are transformed into the desparation of the addicts interior world. Basically addicts feel unloved and unlovable, which means their needs will be unmet. The resulting rage becomes internalised as depression, resentment, self pity, and even suicidal feelings. Because they have no confidence that others will love them, addicts become calculating, strategizing, manipulative, and ruthless.
Posted on 04/15/09, 08:04 pm