Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

First let me start by saying I totally get and expect that any SA in real recovery is taking full responsiblity for his behaviors, actions, emotions, and the hurt he has exacted on his SO.

However, isn't the co-dependent "label" the same as the "sex addict" label, at some level?

What I am saying is that two people meet and move toward each other because they have a compatible level of baility to be intimate. If they were not compatible, i,e. the same or similar levels of ability to be intimate, then they would likely disregard each other, not be interested and not get married.

For example, the denial of the addicts behavior is typically instrumental in the duration of the acting out. My wife knew something was wrong, because we were not intimate, (open, honest, real, (not necessarily sexually)) and instead of diving in, and saying what is wrong, facing the reality, she chose to allow the denial. Not all of that dance was my deception. Part of it was her willingness to live with not having her needs met in those ways by denying the elephant in the livingroom.

So, rejecting the notion that the spouses bring some level of brokenness to the relationship, or in other words, hating to be labled co-dependents, or co-addicts in the same sentance they call their husbands sex addicts is somewhat like placing the full brunt of all broken components of the relationship at the sex addicts feet.

"It is your fault, you screwed this whole thing up, and everything will be OK when you fix your crap" is a very typical statement, and attitude of co-dependents who are avoiding working their own recovery.

Another example of this is staying in the anger part of the grieving process, for many months or years, and thinking that withholding sex, affirmation, and other positive components of a healthy relationship from the sex addict inside a marriage for months or years, is productive toward healing the relationship, when it actually perpetuates the very emotions that are typically core triggers for the addictive cycle in the first place.

I am ready for the firestorm on this one, but I think here on this board, and in my groups and circles, the SOs who quickly resolve to take full responsiblity for their own emotions, reactions, behaviors, and recovery do far better, far quicker than those who persistantly look for ways to avoid their own issues they burn their SA husband in efagy.

The first thing God said was not good in his creation was the fact that man was alone. The essence of Carnes 4 core beliefs of a sex addict is that we think we are alone, which perpetuates us into acting out. I am not sure how many other men share this connection, but the core emotion I feel when my wife is angry is lonliness.

It is not unusual for a wife with small kids, and a 160 hour work week of activities to deal with, to roll her eyes and tell her husband to grow up when he sais he feels lonely, but I would hope that through this recovery process, SOs who are not co addicts, or co-dependents, and who think their lives are fully the result of "relationship trauma" would take a moment and consider the depth of pain men feel when they are lonely becuase their wives have a broken capacity to be intimate than they do.

......OK, fire away, I am ready....

First of all, thank you to everyone that offered opinions, support, and information. It's really nice to feel like I'm not an emotional crazy for the first time, that I'm not the only one in this boat. I'm actually a little amazed how much information is on here... I've researched what a sex addict is, ect. when we first started dealing with this, but now I wish I had looked for more information to help me. Glad I found this group!

Londy... thanks for the point of view of how to look at his addiction. I've never thought about it that way before, the sex part is so hard to look past.

I found the points from everyone about being traumatized especially interesting. Oddly, I've never put that word with how I felt, but once you hear it, it's like a light bulb goes on in your head and things make a little more sense. I think some of the things we experience are harder than many of the tragedies of life. Most days I feel like I'd rather have a car accident. At least that you can fix, move on from, and know the ordeal will be over soon.

Sheen... he was making attempts here and there but weren't doing much. A few months ago I think he finally realized that he would probably lose me if he didn't start changing and since then he seems to have a complete change of heart. He is being really honest with me, he's let me put content controls on the computer, gave me his email passwords, ect. I don't check up on him but for the first time he's ditched the secrecy and is telling me when he slips up. I know my self-esteem doesn't exactly relate to what he does, and I think I probably would have felt differently if this hadn't blown out of proportion while I was pregnant. I think my feelings have more to do with than then how I feel now. It is frustrating and I know it will take time. But I love him and I'm willing to take that chance. But you are right, there isn't something someone can tell you about how to repair trust and I have no idea how we are even going to do that, or really, even if it can be done. But we are together and I think it counts for something.

Choose... I know you are expecting some backlash from your last post, but I actually agree with some of what you said. For an addict in a relationship to recover, I think it takes work from both partners. Don't get me wrong, I think even Mother Theresa would have reacted the say that most of us spouses/partners do with anger and denial. But I do think there comes a point where you have to realize that your outburst of emotion can make things worse for the addict. My husband has been doing much better since I have made it a point to talk often and openly about it, but also in a way where he doesn't feel attacked or judged.

Thanks again, and hope everyone has a good week.

Serenity,

Thank you for your consideration and acknowledging your part of the dance, however, I want you to know that you totally blew my whole point. I wanted to start a robust arguement, stur the mud a little, get everyones juices going.

Your polite, responsible way just messed up my whole jig here..... thanks alot!

Silly Choose,

I know you like to get things stired up but please read the book. That's all I can really say.

Lorilou

Choose: You said, "It is your fault, you screwed this whole thing up, and everything will be OK when you fix your crap" is a very typical statement, and attitude of co-dependents who are avoiding working their own recovery."

What is it that I am supposed to recover? No one seems to have that answer. Do you?

You are recovering from the pain SheenRe. The hurt, the betrayal.

My parents told us all the time when we were kids, that no one could make us mad. We chose to be mad. We choose how to react to things. As a child I was sexually abused for many years. When I was young I didnt know enough about what happened to me to bitter and angry, but as an adult I sure did. I had to decide to forgive those who abused me. I chose not to let that ruin my life, and ruin my intimate relationships.

I am facing the same battle with my H's PA. My CHOICES are:
1. Be bitter and stay
2. Be bitter and leave
3. Stay and be happy
4. Leave and be happy
or maybe choke him in his sleep!! JOKE!! ;)

I guess what I'm saying is that you don't have to let his actions dictate your future. We can't change the past ... but we can choose to live in it, miserably, if thats what we want.

My 2 cents.

Hmmmm, ok...sounds good on paper. Just because my marriage is a disaster, doesn't mean that my life, or other relationships are a disaster too. Are you happy in your relationship?

Am I happy that my husband was addicted to pornography for all 14 years of our relationship, and I just found out last month? No. Am I happy that I feel like I've been duped? No. Am I happy he was exposed to porn while he was still playing with G.I. Joes? No.

But the list of things that I do have to be happy for is long, long, long. I have 3 beautiful children, we have a home, heat, food, he didn't die from his addiction and leave me with 3 kids and no education, I didn't bleed to death the last time I had a D&C (tho I came close), I'm healthy, there is medicine to help me fight depression(thank heavens!), I'm smart enough to study 16th French Literature, and tough enough to hang sheetrock.

I don't believe for a second that any man or woman wants their life controlled by this addiction. And I won't be controlled by it either.

His disease is not going to be the end of my happiness. Or my children's happiness. And I hope and pray for him everyday that it won't be the end of his.

You really do have more control over your life than you think ....

(je t'aime m! ... avec tout mon coeur ... nous allons reuissir! ensemble!)

Sad: Good for you. I know that I don't have to feel anything in life at all. I suppose I could just ignore it and him and close off any feelings I might have in either direction. Perhaps that truly is best..to feel nothing about anything at all. But, then I would feel very dead I think. Maybe not. I don't know. I always thought that my emotions were what made life...life. Joy, serenity, sorrow, whatever. I guess truly there is a time for everything and this is my time for sorrow. That is part of life too. I think I may have just placed my marriage in a too high priority status and it needs to go far back on the list of those things of importance. Hard to reorganize those sometimes. I'm working on it.

Glad to hear that you have your priorities in place. I think that I've come to reaslize that no one should ever be in the position to affect our lives so profoundly. My doors were far to open for my own good I think sometimes.

I too am centered on getting back to some peace in my life. I have many things to celebrate too. I try and remind myself of those things each time I can.

I think that I'm just really tired of being kicked down and having to get on my feet again. Seems to happen so much with personal relationships. They just seem to be too much trouble. I guess with age I've just gotten tired of the nonsense. I should be looking back on all that I've accomplished and I just feel beaten instead...at least in the marriage arena. I try to focus instead on the work I did to make myself a better person. I did work on that a lot. I still am.

The problem is that I don't know how to overcome this one. I'm alive. I can carry out daily routines. I have days when I feel almost sane.. Ha! Then the weight of it all just drags me back down into depression and anxiety. I don't really know where to go from here.

I don't have any little ones to tend. That was once a great source of energy and direction for me. Our daughter is raised and living on her own finishing up her four-year degree. I feel like we did an ok job there. She's a great young woman.

I'm retired so I have no career any longer to pass the days and provide a challenge either. So, this plays on my mind like a broken record. What to do? What to do? I guess it will occur to me in time. Till then, I just try to stay busy with whatever presents itself as a distraction. I guess that is best.

I just wanted to welcome you to the group and tell you that you are among friends.
I am sorry that you are going through this trauma. I agree that it is traumatic. You are sleeping with a man that had a double life, and had you have known he was having mind sex with fantasy women, it probably wouldn't have happened. It is a very violating feeling.
I don't agree with the assumptions made that we are all codependents either. I asked my husband over and over if he was looking and he would lie to my face. Yes, I would get tired of asking, especially when he was so good at hiding it, I had no proof. I thought I was crazy. I took anti depressants because he had me convinced that I just had anxiety. Ha! I also don't agree that all SO's don't give enough sex and spend too much time with children and their jobs. I guess I am an exception to that rule too. He got plenty--2-3 times a week or more, during the addiction! And, I am in great shape. I look great, especially for having six kids. No excuses! Don't let people tell you it is your fault. It is an addiction. No matter how much sex he had, or how good you looked, he would still act out. It isn't about you. It was before you ever came along, probably.
I would recommend that you do things to learn self love and trust. Prayer has been my lifeline. My faith has gotten me through anything that has come my way, and I haven't had a rosy path either.
Your marriage can heal. Ours has tremendously, and I still hurt from time to time. I have images and confessions that haunt my mind. The thoughts come up subconsciously. I choose what I do with them. Sometimes I have to talk to my husband, and sometimes I have to think and pray them through. The times that i can't heal are when my H withdraws from me and instead of comforts me and just holds me, he puts up a wall of defense. He is getting better at hearing my pain, and I am getting better at not blaming anymore. I was told to feel the pain and then let it go. I am still figuring that one out.:)
It's very difficult to soften your sweet heart once it's been pricked and so much blood has been drained out, it feels hardened. Find who you are. Work on yourself getting better and stronger. Therapy is so helpful. Educate yourself on pornography addiction. Rely on your Higher Power to help you, and start a little at a time to give love and trust back to your husband if you can, and if he is truly in the right direction in recovery. You can experience so much joy in forgiveness, and he can benefit from your strength and your encouragement. I have seen this first hand.
My husband is an amazing man. It's like I am with a new and improved man. There is hope for you and for him. We made it, even after losing our baby. Statistically, we should not have made it through that loss alone.
Come on over to the spouses group too sometime. Take care, and keep your chin up. You can make it through this pain and feel joy and happiness again. Don't give up on yourself! ((Hugs))