Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

You I attempted that discussion once, and he said " Why don't you simply not look" Pretty much ask me to ignore the fact he look at it, that I have no right to peeking over his shoulder.. I am torn now it feels, it look like leading to the the ultimate line, it me or the porn..it hurts, and I discussed it even with a friend.. I been called dumb cause in my friends words "You want to leave him over some pictures"... I guess my self-esteem is jusst shot.

Sunny: Thanks for your input, and the telling of your story. I'm so sorry. My H did confront his issues and did quit his habitual porning. I am glad for him and for me that he did that. Not many are ever strong enough to. Good for him.

But the images still remain with me. And, they haunt me in weird ways. I hope to disarm them someday. Maybe that will happen, maybe not. But, it will not be for want of trying, because he did try too, and I believe is truly remorseful. That fact for me is the key to my trying. He is remorseful. If he were not, if he hadn't stopped, believe me, I would do as you already have and enforce space to live my life the way I want to.

I know about those shoes too, and I can truly sympathize and honor your strength regarding your best decision. Good for you. You're right! You are worth it!

And you could just as "easily" reverse this question back onto him. Question: And he would actually have you believe that something is so important to him, more than his marriage, more than you, more than his baby or the continuity between the child's parents, more than maintaining the stability of his family over some trivial pictures? If it is so meaningless to look, then why not stop looking? Why doesn't HE simply not look?

Brandy - I'm going to be blunt as if you were my longtime friend, so I hope you can appreciate my frankness.

You're not asking him to give up his relationship with his Mother. Now THAT would be a pseudo dumb move on the part of any wife, sure.....You are asking him to give up his relationship with porn, for crying out loud. His continuation in usage and intentional disregard of his wife's feelings about it and the risk to your trust? Now that is either dumb or an addiction. He can choose.

Is he debating such a "trivial" issue with you based on principal alone? What principal? Free will? The fate of a marriage is at both yours and his discretion, so there is no free will once you join together in marriage, unless it is specific to health or certain monetary issues that separate you. Other matters, such as matters of the heart are collective choices, because once you have a discontent member within that union, that individual has the ability to make choices that decide the fate of the relationship, so free will is not applicable. You are empowered to make choices that decide not only the destiny of "his" marriage based upon your disgruntled position, but as well as the relationship with his child - including the constraints that would be imposed upon developing and nurturing that ongoing connection.

If it is not an addiction and isn't threatening to your relationship in the form of trust and levels of intimacy... - then he should freely give it up in the interest of his relationship with you. If this is appearing to be some sort of sacrifice met with resistance, then re-read my comments on "free will" and make your argument.

You must assert your position so that he is made to understand that independent decisions can be made in both directions. No H is advised to ignore what is best for the relationship so in order to satisfy their extracurricular viewing pleasure. Because it is a marriage, there is no longer the question of what is conducive to "his" needs or "your" needs independently unless collectively agreed upon. There is only a "we" and an "us" and what is best for the marriage as a while. If it is not in the best interest of the marriage because one party is unhappy, then the topic needs to be readdressed until both parties are satisfied with the outcome.

Oh, and try to speak with those who understand your struggles. Most friends will either not be provided full insight by us because we are embarrassed or because they simply do not understand the true problem even with all of the information. ;-)

SheenRe - Thank you so much, too....not only for your support of my choices but for sharing with others that there are those who struggle with this addiction who do commit to the recovery process and have ongoing success Your H is a strong man with substantial convictions. That is so commendable.....You are a strong woman to open your mind and your heart to the effort it takes to forgive and move beyond the hurt to a place where your marriage and love can once again thrive.

As for the images you are unable to rid your mind of? Hey, let's hope it works like childbirth and our loose retention of the pain. ;-) Once we move beyond the misery of the experience and into the actual rewards, we'd do it all over again just to gain the potential we know exists after the agony becomes a memory of the past. I would imagine, as in the case with a baby, we would have to stay focussed in the here and now, the joy in the moment and the hope of the future in order for that to be possible. If we hung onto the unrelenting pain of giving birth, most of us Mothers would've stopped at one child. :-) I know I didn't..... :-)

But maybe it'll work like that. ;-)

Thank Sunny your right, I just need figure way to word it.. I've thought about maybe taking trip with my son, and leave my husband a very long detail note about the issue on hand. I made it clear to him I don't trust him home and alone on the computer, I made that very clear to him I just can't take his word he not looking it when I finding proof.. Look like I am going to have gone down that road and put a filter on the computer.. I hate to go this route cause I want to treat him as a mature responsible accountable adult. I am so tired, and the porn it making it where I don't want to be close to him anymore.

Brandy: Rick Reynolds is a counselor for couples who have experienced infidelity in their marriages and he seeks to help them recover the marriage. I find parts of his work very helpful. Myabe the following info that he provided would be helpful. I hope so.

The Three Stages of Boundaries:

If your mate continues to seek their own pleasure at the expense of the relationship and your well being, boundaries need to be established. But, donâ??t forget that behavior doesnâ??t equal motive. From time to time, we all fail and act in ways that are contrary to how we want to be, which is why I suggest the following progression when implementing boundaries.

The FIRST stage is a request where you clearly communicate how their actions are hurting you and ask them to stop. Donâ??t assume they are intentionally committing the offense. Explaining to them how their actions have hurt you and requesting that they not do it again gives them opportunity to show the condition of their heart. If they take responsibility and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, youâ??re off to a good start. If they are genuinely concerned over the fact that theyâ??ve wounded you and are doing whatever they can to help you heal, then theyâ??re acting in your best interest not theirs. If they're upset with themselves for having hurt you and are seeking reconciliation, then itâ??s a fairly safe bet that this person values you and the relationship and will do their best to avoid hurting you in the future.

The SECOND stage is telling them to stop. If youâ??ve asked and they continue their hurtful behavior, you turn up the volume by telling them theyâ??re hurting you and telling them to stop. The goal of the boundary is for your protection. They may or may not respect your boundary, but if you love them, then for loveâ??s sake the boundary needs to be set. Love always acts in the best interest of the other person. Allowing them to act in a way thatâ??s unloving isnâ??t loving to them. Itâ??s not okay to enable someone to act in ways that are self-destructive or to treat others in ways that are destructive. Love compels us to act in the best interest of the other person. .

Their response to your telling them to stop is the next litmus test of their heartâ??s condition. If there is no response, itâ??s time to go to stage three. If they are grieved over their continued failure and are attempting to address the problem, thereâ??s hope. If they say theyâ??ll stop, but arenâ??t grieved over the damage theyâ??ve caused you, their heart may still be hard and they may be ambivalent about stopping the behavior. Ambivalence is a state where a person holds two diametrically opposed positions at the same time and it leaves them stuck, unable to choose one or the other. For this person there is a strong likelihood that they will once again violate the boundary.

The THIRD stage is demanding they stop and telling them what youâ??re going to do to protect yourself if they donâ??t. This is the stage of consequences, but notice the point of setting the boundary isnâ??t to change them, rather itâ??s for your protection. We donâ??t control how theyâ??ll respond, but we do control how weâ??re going to respond if they donâ??t stop the destructive behaviors.

When enforcing boundaries itâ??s important to respond out of love. Itâ??s not about vengeance, itâ??s not about controlling them, it is about telling them that itâ??s not okay to treat others the way theyâ??re treating you. Itâ??s communicating that because of your respect for them and your own self-respect, you will not allow them to keep acting this way.

They will have two choices: they will either chose to do whatâ??s necessary to honor your boundaries or they will continue to act in their own selfish interest. If itâ??s the latter, you'll have to follow through with the course of action you've chosen to keep yourself safe. This is not an attempt to get them to change, but hopefully the consequence will result in their re-evaluating the importance of the relationship versus their own happiness.

Sunny: Thanks for the support. I do hope too that the childbirth example applies. I'll know that, if and when, it occurs. On the other hand, Ha, is the case, I don't want to have any more of this kind of baby....ever! Childbirth was a lark in comparison! On this one it seems to be a VERY slow, baby-step kind of progression, with very little "wow, it's here" kind of markings. Tiny little increments of value.

Weird humor, that also helps. This may be the only childbirth where one is in continuing labor for nearly two years and counting (actually maybe 28 years). Yikes! Maybe because I'm trying to give birth to twins, a fully grown mature man who finally knows what he really wants and knows what it costs to get it, and a fully grown mature woman willing to pay the price for that too? Daunting thought.

If not for my belief in certain spiritual attitudes, I wouldn't have even given him the chance at the onset. Even if I had believed he could overcome his once-hidden obsession, it wouldn't have been worth the cost to my inner self to even try. You see, I suspected the cost to me at the onset (been there before), although now I'm much more informed on what that is this time (28 years lost to virtual fantasyland), and I wouldn't be willing as "just a woman" to pay that cost. Only my spirtual beliefs would supply me with that much drive to overcome the sheer pain, rage and sorrow his behavior initiated.

However, much to his credit, my H has exhibited no weakness, or at least very little (crappy little attitudes and seemingly trivial behavior) (that's another road we've travelled), in his resolve to stop that behavior and to work on restoring the damage he caused between us. His choice. Not mine. I really didn't want to even try. He had to convince me that it was even worth the effort all along the way. Apparently, he really GOT it.

He knew that I was done with him if he continued even once more. No doubt about that. I made myself perfectly clear. I also made myself clear on how "I" felt about that kind of entertainment. And, how I felt about it in regards to women and men in general. We talked a LOT. And, no matter how it hurt to end the relationship, I would have, and I will, if necessary. My boundary. My enforcement. I gave him a simple choice, that...or us. Nothing in between whatsoever. Had he at any time indicated to me "I can't" I would have done what I had to do and I will.

He used a method called AVRT, Rational Recovery, The Final Fix, to stop, and not reinstate the habitual self-gratification behavior he once embraced. I would suggest it to anyone who really wants to stop, and not make any excuses whatsoever for continuing. Used...it works. Ignored, nothing will ever work. He was given the tool by his psych. He chose to use it. HE chose. Not me. I had already made my choice clear.

That has been, in our case, the key to recovering at least part of the relationship. Meaning that I didn't divorce him, and I am trying to work with him to try and restore most, if not all, of what we once had. Or, what "I" once felt. He apparently wants that lots more than the visual images that he once valued above our relationship. Amazing! I really didn't expect him to succeed. Honestly I didn't. I had prepared myself to leave and get on with life. I thought that anyone who had continued like that, through all these years. was a hopeless person.

I can respect him for making his choice and I can love him for that. Not many ever get that centered and focused. His psych, also mine now, says that most when confronted with the REAL damage they caused and the TRUE meaning of what they are embracing, will not have enough care to accept what they have done and make the efforts required to make amends. As you said, my H is an outstanding man...most uncommon!

See, having SEEN what he had done convinced me, for the first time in our marriage of 28 years, that he didn't care about my feelings at all and that his moral personality was one I don't like, much less love. Seeing, is truly believing! So, what he had to restore, was monumental. And, we are both still working on that.

He had to be willing to stop....listen...walk in my shoes...and evaluate his thinking. He had to decide what it was he wanted most and go for that. Because there was NO way he was going to have both as he once did. His behavior literally woke the sleeping lion and she was not a happy camper, to say the least. Ha! More weird humor.

I had to BECOME willing to control the rage that ensued. I had to be willing to give him one last chance to get it, or get out. That was the beginning. And there has been MUCH road traveled since and there will be more before I can ever feel as I once did. I had really believed he was the man I wanted to share my life with, and he had blown that straight to H. I have suffered. He has suffered too. I know. I watched it. He knows. He watched it. So, we do at least share that now. That THING, attitude, nearly decimated not only our marriage but our self worth...both sides.