Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sounds like a problem to me BUT he has to see it as a problem. You will not be able to force him to see it as such as long as he is in denial.

SO the question is what to do? Be patient. Let him know you are uncomfortable with his obsession. Also thge last thing you want him to do is go further underground with it, so there is a delicate line between nagging and reminding.

Keep an eye out for other behaviors, you may need to draw the line with some consequences. Keep the lines of communication open, try not to be judgmental and read as much as you can about por addiction. Others have posted some great resources so go back and check out some of the posts from the past.

I recommend you read one of the books by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows perhaps, just to educate yourself more about issue.

Unfortunately I think that pornography addiction is a norm in our society, meaning majority of the man have it. I do not at all think it is healthy nor normal. In a matter of fact I think we going to have this thing explode in our faces in a very near future. Take a look at this http://www.google.com/trends?q=por...

As far as approaching him... I don't think you have a choice. I doubt you will be able to have a happy marriage with him, and the things will only get worse. I am glad my girlfriend approached me on that issue almost 3 years ago, and I am truly am a changed man.

That being said I am not a doctor, and I don't have statistics to back up my advice, just my life's experience.

I think the best way to approach your husband is when he is very calm, relaxed and aware. Meaning when he is being at his best and able to think clearly and logically. Also giving him a book may Dr. Carness to read could be a way, but the trick is to get him to read it. May be saying something like that calmly would work the best. " Honey, I know we've talked about it before, and I know you don't think you have a problem, and I do not want to make a big deal out of it or argue about it, but I was hoping there is something that you could do for me?" "What would that be?" "Could you read this book? Its about sex addiction, I know you probably have nothing to do with, but it but would you read it for us just to be on the safe side? You can take as long as you want to, no pressure, but I really think you reading it would help me feel so much better about the whole thing".

If he agrees to read it, I suggest you let him read it and think it through and don't bring up the issue again for a month or two. If after reading this book he does not recognize that he has a problem, come back here and update us, and we can take it from there.

Feed.

P.S. Please try to not mention specific websites in the future, since its triggers a curiosity response in SA's minds, and makes us wonder what this site is about. Not a good thing for us.

P.S.S. I am in no way trying to compete with Dr. Carnes, I truly think choosing him is a way to go, but I've been trying to run my own blog on the same issue, in hopes to reach out to those who don't wont to spend any money on books and stuff like that. Once again, I advice you get the book that I recommended, but as a last resort you can try to use info on my site. Perhaps my post Pornography - The Visual Drug will be beneficial , I start it out with presenting various believes that people developed about sexuality though out the ages, and conclude it with quote from Mark Kestlemans book the drug of new millenium, if you don't have time to read the whole thing, read the last part of it ( you will see it is moslty quoted). http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/20...

It is not natural nor necessary for men to look at porn. Really.

You should not put up with it, especially since it is affecting how you feel towards him--and very likely how he feels towards you.

Put your foot down. If he loves you, it is a small thing to give up, and he will likely be happy--eventually--that you do. Pornography is nothing more than a gigantic waste of time and energy. He could be doing so much more with his time and with you.

If he needs help, find help. If he promises to quit, but can't. Find help.

If you need to keep an eye on the home computer, check out SurfRecon. You can use it to detect porn on your home computer and monitor Internet use. Nice little toy.

Good luck.

There is an underlying issue if it is indeed a porn addiction, and that issue will be of an emotional nature. For all of us, we have triggers, then we have responses. Try to observe if there is a pattern of behavior that you could thoughtfully point out to him if you end up discovering one. Try to be especially aware of stressful moments in his day, then observe his behaviors in response.

Putting your foot down is ill advised, and I will share the reason. If porn is his coping mechanism to pain, strain, sadness, loss, feelings of inadequacy or insignificance, pressure and more, then your words will only serve as a trigger, the porn is the bullet, and you'll end up ensuring the the gun goes off. That is logically not the solution, nor is it the way any of us would wish to be addressed if we had an emotional issue that resulted in any number of responses.

If it is an addiction, it is more about his own limits of control and emotional soothing and not about women or some shortcoming on your part as a wife. You must believe that so you are able to detach and address the emotional aspect and not see this as a form of lusting after countless females. You can use this as an opportunity to understand your husband's mind and how he deals with his own emotions. If you are able to allow your defenses to fall, you can potentially open a dialogue that encourages trust and openness. You may not always feel comfortable with what you hear, but at least you are receiving the truth. You can make better decisions regarding the fate of your marriage and your own ability to forge ahead when you have the truth in hand.

My best wishes to you, your husband and your marriage.

All of these posts are good, but the problem you are having is about how YOU Feel about YOUR relationship with a man who is addicted to porn.

You can figure out how to deal with his addiction without him changing one single bit.

I would share your plight with a trusted friend who is willing to listen without judging you or your husband but rather wants to love and support you.

Another option is to go to 6 cosa or s- anon meetings. There are people there who know exactly how you feel. They will not judge, and they want to help.

Finally someone suggested reading patric carns " out of the shadows" don't stop there. It will help you "get it" but there are also several good books for spouses like, an affair of the mind, every heart restored, and dealing with your husbands secret war.

I know you feel afraid and alone. But understand you are far from alone, people you know are fighting this battle, it is just well hidden.

And there is lots of hope for you now. By asking for help, you just joined a staistic of success! Most people never get that far. Mor hope will come.

How true. The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes is an very good book, too. It doesn't focus on addiction, rather his perspective as to why "we" do the things we do or in short, betray our own sense of well being in order to cater to someone else's.

First of all Feed: I am so sorry about meantion the site, I never would of thought, and I apologize to all whom I careless tempted a relapse without the the thought of curiousty killed the cat.

I really like the book reading suggestion, I don't think he ever ammitt, he rather lie that it was a pop up.. I know pop up happen but not all the time and they don't typ words into the search entry for porn.
I think his issue have a lot to do with is pass which I have no access to cause he believe it none of my business.. I have bad habit of having codepency is having me have an affair with chaos. I will be sure to keep everyone posted.. apporching him about the issue will be the hardest, it hard to tell someone they you think they have problem when they truely believe they are fine.

Hi again Brandy,

I think you have some options to weigh in, then you can decide which best works for you and your relationship in order to achieve the desired outcome. There are only two ways as I see it in order for someone to admit they have an addiction of any kind. Either they become threatened and are at risk of losing something vital to their overall sense of self, or it is clearly shown to them and then in their own time and after the first example, they come to terms in time. The problem is that none of us wants someone to seek help due to the influence of consequences, because in my own experience, I've found that to lack long lasting commitment to the process. One the threat subsides, the activity resumes and maybe even at greater strength. If you make a promise to leave, the you must. If you say you're going to do something, you must. If you want to highlight the contents of his activity on the computer, then get key logger software and monitor his usage. If you two have an understanding that this activity is not occurring at all, and it is a shared PC in your home, then you have the right to investigate your own property. The question is whether you feel comfortable in doing so, because many can perceive that as invasive steps. For myself, if an agreement is broken and I have reason to believe that there is inappropriate conduct taking place, then it is my own personal belief that I have the responsibility to myself and my family to confirm or discard such suspicions. The truth is that by not doing so, the problem will eventually resurface and you'll be forced to deal with it then. In this way, you are deciding when you'll come to terms with a potential issue, have time to mull it over and be proactive in addressing the issue and not reactive when it smacks you in the head.

Decide what your limits are, enforce your boundaries as a person separate from the relationship and make your position clear. It all begins with what you expect for yourself but more so, what you deserve. Decide what those things are then take steps to fulfill your own needs.

Pop ups do not create a path in your computer historical log.

I don't think that the issue of whether or not he has a sexual addiction is the valid issue. I think that either way, he is doing something that makes you feel dissatisfied with the relationship and that you do need to address. Do you know how that activitity makes you feel? Have you looked inside to find the roots of why you feel that way? If so, are you able to tell him what feelings that activity creates? I think that is where you begin.

I believe there is a difference. An addiction is a compulsion and should be viewed as an illness and treated as such. The material is immaterial. If she concentrates too much on how she feels, she may not treat a compulsion as an addiction, rather as a wife scorned by a lustful husband. My belief is to first understand what the situation actually is and then decide how to feel about it only then. Any feelings attached before then may be premature, misguided and mishandled.

I also believe that she needs to understand how she feels, but I believe that she or anyone in this situation needs to understand that these feelings are normal in response to an inappropriate activity. Why is she feeling this way? Because it's normal. It smacks our incompetency button and lodges them right into our deflated ego. But just how much of it is a husband having random excursions viewing porn on the internet and just how much is perhaps an emotional issue to which porn is only a coping mechanism......that would navigate much of my response.

It could be different for others, but generally speaking, if we don't know what we're looking at, then we don't really know just how appropriate our own responses are.