Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

He believes that he has a dark side in him that is stronger than his bright side. He loved you with his bright side, but his darker side won.
If you look at my profile , there is a really good analogy for what happened to your H there, and why Pornography fueled his addiction. ( i am writing from a phone, so can't copy and paste) Pornography addiction is a sexual addiction.

I wrote a fairly long post about my addiction and some of the thought process that I went through. I can send it to you if you think it would be helpful. I honestly don't know.

as far as your H goes there are two options that he will realize that he has a problem or he doesn't.

If he doesn't realize it will be better for you to let him go.

What initially helped me realize that I had problem was a book by dr. Carnes called "Dont call it love".

For any addict hearing stories of other addicts
and realizing that they can relate to the most of it is usually a first step.

If your husband left that recently I am betting you are not actually asking if porn leads to sex addiction. You are more likely trying to negothate through the shock of the situation you are in.

But to answer your question, I think the answer is yes. Sin leads to death, addictions are we humans exagerating God's Gifts to cope with feelings and situations we are not capable of dealing with ourselves. In isolation, we do the best we can. After a while of doing something not so distructive, we find it does not work any more, and we go for a bigger stronger fix. This progressive characteristics of an addiction is very real.

It is definitely possible that a porn addiction would progress to a sex addiction, but it is also possible (until the internet, probably) that many men were addicted to sex, prostitutes, strip clubs, and the like when playboy first came out, and their sex addiction lead them to a porn addiction.

So, what are you really asking? Was it your fault? Could you have done something to prevent it? Why did you not understand the problem earlier? Keep asking and answering these questions. You have to deal with the issues that you brought the table with or without him.

FeedingtherightWolf that is a good analogy with the dark side winning. I will read your posts, thanks. I think that maybe deep down he knows he has a problem but doesn't want to or doesn't know how to face it. I think it may be to late for us. I think he has his mind made up that he isn't coming home and wants a divorce. I think it may be because I make him face his demons

ChooseaUserName, I don't think it was my fault, I know it was probably something within him he has to deal with. But yes, I am in shock, I am in shock that he would walk away from me when i have loved and supported him through so many affairs and flings. I guess I want him begging me for forgiveness and he isn't. He just don't care anymore. That is destructive for his soul. I know that I have done everything humanly possible to help him and stand beside him unconditionally. I hope if he walks away from me with anything it is with the knowledge and proof of true love and how to display it.
Thank you for your support. I still want to help my husband if we stay together or not. He needs help. How do I address that with him?

Ok, I am going to be brutal with one point you made, twice. I want you to know ahead of time, that I am cutting loose in the hopes that it will break through your very effective and insideous form of denial and provide you with a moment of self-actuallized hope.

He had 10 affiars, and you think you are being loving and supportive staying with him through that? Maybe having 1 affair is tolerable, if true remorse and change is expressed, maybe a relapse in the form of a second affair, that is quickly dealt with, and shocks the addict into a real form of recovery is acceptable with a great deal of work by both parties. Three or more, after disclosure and a reaffirmation of a committment to change is a pathology.

I am never going to condone or encourage a divorce, but "get out and do not come back until you can promise me this will not happen again, and you have been to therapy at least 5 visits." is a boundary.

You have no boundaries if you want a man who does not want to change, had 10 affairs, and to come home.

Let me catagorically, unequivocally say that there is a great deal of hope for your marriage, But none for intimacy as long as these types of behaviors are continuing and being condoned.

So ignore your husband and his needs right now, he is responsibley for all of that and all of his consequenses.... and so are you.

So go to therapy, go to cosa or s-anon meetings, deal with figuring out your stuff, there is plenty to do there, and at some point the opportunity to reconsile the relationship will present itself.

Be patient with yourself, talk it out with lots of people, and realize that most of the feelings you are having right now, are probably inaccuratei

I love honesty, thanks chooseausername. I know you are right, I am in denial, still codependent on covering up his mistakes. I am lying to myself which is what I have been so hurt by my H for doing for years. Thanks for setting me straight, I needed that badly! Thank you!

From my perspective, a pornography addiction is a type of sexual addiction, just as an addiction to crack cocaine is a type of drug addiction. I don't believe the two can be separated. And if that's the case, the pornography addiction didn't lead to the sexual addiction. The pornography addiction WAS and IS a sexual addiction.

You indicated in your original post that you were open, and downright "adventurous" in your sexual activity with your husband, sometimes having sex with him more then once a day. I'm sure you realize this, but I'm going to say it anyway. There is nothing you said or didn't say, did or didn't do that caused your husband to look at the pornography and to wander from you. He is a sex addict. He has a disease. And he is powerless over this disease. This is the definition of an addiction. So don't think that any of this was in any way your fault. It wasn't!

As far as your husband goes, he's going to have to realize that he has a problem on his own. To do this, he's going to have to "hit bottom". Every addict has their own bottom. For some, separation from their family because of their behavior is their bottom. Others need to lose a job due to their sexual activity, while others need to be arrested for the behavior. Until your husband "hits bottom", recovery will not be possible. And you need to understand that for some addicts, there is no bottom. They will die in their disease.

Since you and your husband are now separated, the idea that losing his family will cause him to "hit bottom" is obviously not likely. So at this point, his recovery is pretty much out of your hands. All you can do is work on yourself. You indicated that you have some codependency issues in your original post. If you are dealing with these issues in therapy, please continue on with your counseling. If you're not now in therapy, you need to get into a program NOW! Also, you might want to check out one or more of the groups for the partners of sex addicts. If you'll click on the "Recommendations" tab at the top of this page, you'll find all of the information you'll need to contact S-Anon/S-ATeen, Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Co-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. The website for each group should contain a "Where and When" list that shows all of that fellowships groups, indexed by state for your convenience. You might want to check and see if any of the meetings listed would be convenient for you to attend. If not, then check on the telephone groups and the online meetings. Something in all of this should work for you. Get involved in a group or two on a regular (weekly) basis, and get yourself a sponsor.

The third and final thing you can do is to learn as much as you can about sexual addiction and codependency. There are several websites that have suggested reading lists that you might find helpful. Among them are the following:

Sex Help (www.sexhelp.com/)
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (www.sash.net/)
Sexual Recovery Institute (www.sexualrecovery.com/reso...)

I hope something here proves helpful. Good luck to you!

I'm sorry that you are facing this problem. But, it does sound like it's been ongoing for a long, long, time. There is a large difference in support and enabling a person to continue bad behavior. But, the line is hard to see when you love someone. You need to get some help in determining the difference between the two...and why you have allowed anyone to treat you that way. Our intentions are often good, but denying our own needs in favor of another is rarely affective. There is nothing you can do to help him at all. there never was...and there will never be. But, you can do something to help yourself. Look inside for those answers. Go to a counselor to get some help. Know that you are not alone. This problem is rampant. I'm sorry that you are hurting this way.

Thanks Charli for the words of encouragement and all the information. This truly helps.

Sheen, thanks. I know what I have to do.
I feel better just being able to come to a place where this is all understood so I could get some kind of peace of mind.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. Your contributions to this issue has helped me more than you know.

We all know how much the pouring out of others help is a light in that bleak, desolate moment of darkness. This is the human condition, believing we are alone, then in our most fearful moment of truth, we think we are going to die, we feel the hand of someone else who has been where we are ttouching our sholders. The gift of being able to do that for someone is actually the redemption God rewards us with as we walk away from all that agonizing pain. We need to offer our help to you as much as you need it!