What is Sex Pornography Addiction
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a postulated form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
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I cant shake all the anger i have for him the lost time the abandonment, the therapist brought up alot of hard things that i have been through today he is asking me to do a timeline of all the traumatic occurrences in my life, this hurts, my birthmom was 18 when she had me her parents took me away from her due to her bad choices drugs men ect I was given up for adoption at age 2 and brought to AZ . My parents couldn't have kids and i was pretty spoiled but i knew my adopted mother never wanted me....she hated me i think for being there she left my dad when i was 12 i think I was raped at 13 by a drunk 20 something guy when i snuck out and drank with a friend. I married my first husband was 4 yrs older and Arab i was pregnant with the 10 yr old and he wanted me to have an abortion but i didnt so he married me and he left when she was 4 months old, just left i came home from my great uncles funeral and found his wedding ring on the counter and that was that. He sees her on the weekend and pays child support so i guess i am lucky......I met my PA H when Jasmine was 1 yr old and i was in college, we met at a house party i was never supposed to be at, we had sex to soon and one night he trapped me in his room and tried to talk me into performing oral on him even though i did not want to and i ran off. We stayed together against everyone's advice and 3 yrs later i had our first daughter together my 2nd child ..............during the pregnancy my H choked me almost to the point of black out during the course of a fight, while i was 5 months pregnant with her my biological mom committed suicide and i went to clean out her place, I think she felt so guilty for being a horrible mom and leaving me and my 2 younger brothers i have always spent my life trying to prove i was nothing like her......our first daughter was 7 months old and my PA H was out of work and being a jerk in my home that i let him move into he tried to hold my child away from me and i bashed him over the head with a mikasa crystal picture frame and he was hurt bad, i knew i was wrong and regretted it right when i did it but i was arrested for domestic abuse, rightfully so. After that we seperated for a few weeks and he was gracious enough to let me try to get counseling and make it work. I became pregnant with our 2nd child together when the first was just over 1 and she was born we were doing okay i guess I got the call when she was 3 weeks old that my mom that raised me adoptive mom had died of breast cancer I had not spoke to her since my bio moms suicide and the last thing i asked my adoptive mom was " do u regret adopting me?" she said yes she was never meant to have a child. My stepmom the dentist that my dad married when i was18 was in the picture now and hated me as well. I got pregnant again when the 3rd baby was only 9 months old and it was finally a boy and i really wanted to be married before giving birth again i knew this would be the last child. I pressured my H to marry me and he gave in...........big mistake...........we married our son was born and 3 days later my stepmom died of breast cancer also. My father has also been battling cancer of the liver colon and pancreas it is E cell cancer since 1996 and it forced him to retire from dentistry. I have been through seeing him go through so much and scared to death everytime he has another procedure, fortunately he goes to the Mayo clinic 2 times a month and they keep him alive .........Then our son was just 4 months old and i knew something was up with the H and he seemed different he spoke of a new girl at work and i had bells going off at this time my dad was also in for another procedure and i was worried that might be the one that would take him I opened up to my H and said i am scared he reassured me and said i will never leave u or hurt u jamie.......a few nights later i am laying in bed with H and the phone rings it is a man and he tells me to be quiet he is going to help me and to listen carefully, he proceeds to play a voicemessage that is my husband's voice saying "hey baby she just left again I miss u I cant wait to see u tomorrow" I could see my H get up from bed and get real nervous. I am calmer than i ever thought i would be in this situation i asked him questions he said she was 23 and a stripper that took a position at his company and had 3 kids with 3 guys and that had not had sex or any physical stuff just he was confused and cared about her.......he immediately made it clear he "needed" to go see her and explain i am upset and told him if he left it was done ( our marriage) and i begged him to stay I knew on some level he would have sex with her if he left that night, he said he would be back in an hour and left me holding our son........he did not come back i spoke to him in the morning and asked if he slept with her he did 3 times with no protection...I let him come home and cooked him dinner WTF is wrong with me? He swears that was it and he never saw her again after that i kept talking to her on the phone and even found where she lived i spoke to her a few months after the night and she swears he had come back after that night. I am so numb and hurt I just want to get this out...........the porn is the icing on the cake after the affair i figured he would be humble and grateful, he was prideful and arrogant and still looked at porn not just porn but teen 18 barely legal always making me feel like i am not young enough good enough anyway..................we did counseling with my godfather who married us and was a christian fam counselor and pastor it did nothing and he still looked at porn up until june he claims a few times but whatever, I feel so dead inside and my current counseling is like ripping the scabs off of my whole damn life! I don't know what is up or down or right or wrong anymore i feel dead inside.
Posted on 09/30/09, 01:09 am |
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sorry that was so long i feel like shit now 
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Wow, you have had alot of deep heart breaking wounds. After reading this story, I have to appologize for being so presumptuous to you. Most of my thoughts will work because they are Biblical, but without a deeper undersatnding of your pain, I can see how naive they have been.
All I can say is stick close to your counselor, he likely has it right and will be able to help you heal some of this stuff. I am going to back off with all my seemingly useful advice, and try to spend more time encouraging you that there is hope. God has healed many people in worse situations than yours, and the joy you will have helping others who are suffering becasue of the strength you are gaining as you face this will be very powerful. Keep the faith,
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I must also say that you've been through a lot. I think it would be most beneficial for you to learn to be happy independably of other people, and to pass this knowledge down to your children. If your H realize what a special person you are, good for him. If not, too bad for him. You don't need him to be happy. You have your children, and I hope you have God in your life.
Like Choose said, keep going to counceling, keep talking about your pains. Thats what I did with my PTSD related experience. It hurts every time I mention it. But the more I mention it the less it hurts. I know it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but there is almost always a bright side to almost every story. What is your bright side? In other words what do you have to be happy and thankful to God for?
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Oh wow Irish, what a painful story. I never knew your story until now, as you've never shared it in the spouses group. You are obviously a strong woman, to have endured all this, and still be standing. That strength will see you through.
It is going to be imperative that you keep the counselling up for you. You have alot of baggage to deal with, and need to get yourself in an emotionally healthy place, so you can cope with the other stuff with a clear mind. You need to look after you, for you are worthy of recovery also. And then you can be the best mum you can be. I'm going to respectfully not comment on your h, at this time in this support group, as you have told us spouses he has joined this group looking for support, and i don't wish to be seen as taking sides, or upsetting a SA starting recovery. May you have continued strength.
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listen, please read this, hopefully when you get to the end it will make sense my counsellor told me basically human beings are split into 2 groups, those who are able to abuse and those who aren't able and therefore become the abused......sounds awful doesn't it... but if you think about it...it's very true...my mum found it very difficult being a parentt, and as i child..i was always singled out or left out by her...even today she finds it difficult to show me love ( proud to say this only made me more determined to be the best of mum's...watched my kids grow into amazingly happy and successful adults....) my first husband was alcoholic and beat me up for 16 years.....then i meet, fall-in-love and marry this wonderful gentle guy ...who turns out to be a sex addict.....have had him back 12 times after he left me to get his kicks.....now... at last i have realised i have the power to decide what i will and wont accept..the power to expect to be traeted as a worthwhile human being....i am praying i can be strong... that's my aim.... you have ben through so much...you deserve the same as i and all others....make sure you get it... love sue xx
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Thank you guys for the support that was alot to get off my chest, I try not to think about this stuff but I guess I need to to heal as a person? Therapist is a professional that works at the Meadows I guess that is a big addiction place. He asked me what made me pick these 2 guys to marry and by the time i was done talking he looked like he was gonna cry, it feels bad to think about this stuff but yes I guess I have issues too, it is ironic because if you ask most of my friends they would say i am the happiest person they know I guess I just put on a good show, I am concerned about the depression and dont want to feel that but it is starting this is just alot to deal with but I am glad I found this counselor he also specializes in stress management. Thank you all for caring
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Oh, Irish, that looking back thing is soooo hard. I'm so sorry it was that hard. How difficult that all must have been. I've had to do that too, so I understand. Though I hardly think that even I have suffered as you have. I wish there was something I could say that could make you feel even a little better. I hope it helps to know that others do care and would erase it if they could. I would, if only I could. Hugggg!
The thing is that whatever it takes, it takes, to put the past to rest, acknowledge the pain, voice what it made you feel and why, and then learn what you can do to take care of yourself in the now...where you live today...and where you are strong enough to protect yourself from further injury. You will discover that you can. I know you can. And, I know that you will. I think that you can only be kind to you, do what you need to do to find peace in your life again. No matter how hard we try, we can never have a better past. But, we can sometimes see in hindsight where we weren't kind enough to ourselves, and where others were even less so, and where we were too young to protect ourselves from hurt...and plan to do that "caring for ourselves" in the now and in the future. And we can also acknowledge that much of our past was seated in uncontrollable situations where others were in the drivers seat and we just did our best to deal with whatever we had to because of their choices. Children are always in that position with no power to protect themselves from others who are struggling with themselves. But, we are adults now (we do have power) and we can choose to protect that tender innocence that still lies inside us cowering from the battering. We can protect that inner self though, once we realize that we are innocent in there and so fragile and so in need of care. When we see how we were hurt, and how others may not even have been able to do what is right. We can see that we couldn't have done a thing in that time frame to help ourselves. But, we can also see that we are able now. We can then care for ourselves and protect ourselves from the actions of others that hurt. Nice to know though that we can eventually learn to only accept those in our lives who do care enough to nuture us and give back what they are given. Who are positive in their actions and who will care what happens to us too. No matter what you may think right now, not everyone is so inclined to be hurtful. So, know that delving into what is already past, is only good for planning for a better future. You do have a future...and now...you have choices that you can make to make that better. Really affective boundaries inside is one of the main ways to do that. Search out in yourself what you are willing to accept and what you're not. I'm still in the process of doing that. Feels much safer. Place boundaries for the actions of others, clear and enforced. You can protect yourself. Your lovely inner self needs that. Look in the mirror and tell that self that you...the adult...the able...will take care of you. You can pamper you. You can do things that make you feel good, if only for a moment...one moment at a time! You will feel better! You will..once you've seen that you can take care of you...and you can enjoy others who do appreciate you. Huuuuggggg!
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I wanted to also recommend a 12 step group for you. I found it to be very helpful in my recovery to be surrounded by people who could related to me, and were 100% understanding of everything I would say and share. It is just different from the support that people get from their family. It feels like a safety net that will always be there no matter how low you fall, and it feels really good.
It took me a long time ( 5-6 ) meetings to really get used to the people and begin to feel that way, it might also take trying a few different meeting before you really find the one you like. But when you find a place you really like, you will be glad that you did it. Here are few 12 steps programs that might work for you, since you will be better able to relate to other peoples recovery: # CoDA - Co-Dependents Anonymous, for people working to end patterns of dysfunctional relationships and develop functional and healthy relationships # Co-Anon, for friends and family of addicts # COSA - Codependents of Sex Addicts # COSLAA - CoSex and Love Addicts Anonymous # EA - Emotions Anonymous, for recovery from mental and emotional illness # EHA - Emotional Health Anonymous, for recovery from mental and emotional illness # FA - Families Anonymous, for relatives and friends of addicts You can view the full list with the links and description of each group ( for link click on the group you like and scroll to the bottom of the page where it says external links, or just google it) It takes a little of overhead to get into group but it is great for you. Once again best of all to you.
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Sorry forgot to include the link to the group :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_...#Programs_patterned_after_Alcoholics_Anonymous
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Thank you feed and sheenre, I think i may require as much counseling as I can get, it is funny cause I went into this thinking I was going to talk about the PA H and I nearly fell out of my chair when the counselor said what about you why did you pick him? He also said that he shouldnt be in the same house with me without him being in counseling as well he has a busy schedule but we will have to make time and funds available for him to get counseling asap
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