Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Thanks for the encouragement Choose. I'm gaining a lot from Boundaries...helps me at work too in the situations i find myself in as a manager.

BTW, I don't know much about longhaul, but he admits he is SA and is aware of disrespecting his wife with porn... and that is miles ahead of my h so he can't be too much of a fool.

Maybe something has changed recently. Last year he was all about "porn is not a problem" what's the big deal.

I have to say my jab was actually a bit disrespectful. If he has a change of heart that's good. If not, plan on his porn advocacy.

Sounds like you simply don't like opinions other than your own there Choose. My position from a year ago HASN'T changed actually. Porn isn't a problem, it's simply a device or a tool. Same as a gun, by itself, completely harmless. You could be standing right in front of a gun and it's your choice as to whether or not to pick it up and use it. Porn is no different. Yes, the addiction is very real and i'm not ashamed to say that i have it. I've been open and honest with it my entire life. The reason i have been so successful in living with my addiction is because i deal in reality. Hey, by all means, if you're a bible thumper and quoting scripture is your thing and it works, good for you.
I'm a very sexually active and agressive person. However, since i still have to live out here in the REAL world, i know that the temptations are out there and that i have to deal with them as they come, ESPECIALLY with having been in the military and the whole "guy code". Sure, you can run and hide and swear never to view any form of porn again as if it doesn't exist, but that's not reality. Just like a recovering alcoholic, sure, he can't ever drink again, but that doesn't mean he can't walk into the bar.
She said that her husband is becoming more open and honest with her about his porn viewing. That's a great start, a lot of men wouldn't be. I first thought that he was hopeless and that she should leave him, but now it seems there is hope.
Just because one partner enjoys porn and the other doesn't care for it doesn't mean that the one that likes it should have to give it up as if it were a bad thing. Since the wife and i have been seeing each other again the last 4 months, we still have yet to have intercourse. Mostly because she isn't quite ready for that yet again, and i respect her wishes. You don't know discipline until you're lying in bed with the one you love and you have a raging hard on (pardon my french lol) and yet you STILL respect her wishes and just simply continue to hold them and love them.
She also has a newfound respect and love for me because i have lived with having to restrain myself. Trust me, we have spoken about it and she knows how badly i want her and she says the same, but it will be when she feels ready.
On the OTHER hand, she knows very well, even before the seperation, that i have a love of porn. We aren't living together again yet, but she knows that all she needs to do is open my hall closet and on the top shelf is my collection. I don't put it in front of her and i make sure none of it is out when she comes over. But she knows VERY well that since we spend almost entire weekends together without sex, that as soon as she leaves my apartment, a dvd is going in and i'm gonna do what i gotta do.
It CAN be lived with. IF both parties involved are completely open and honest with each other about it. I'll be the first to admit that going behind your partners back to view it DESPITE their objections is wrong and disrespectful.

Theo, one of the only things that you really need to know about me is that i'm honest and open and REAL. Not to say that others here aren't by any means, but let's just say that i'm one of the very few here that have learned to live WITH it, rather that let it take me over, and i can honestly say that i'm a happier and healthier man for it. I'm also not one to mince words and can really care less what people think of me on here. After all, it is just a computer and this is just a website lol

Oh, one other thing i should maybe mention that may help you and others. In the 15 months that we were seperated, i dated pretty often, casually. One of the other reasons that the wife hasn't wanted to have intersourse yet is because she wanted me to get a blood test done to ensure i'm "clean" first. I didn't blame her at all and so i went to the veterans hospital and did just that. Happy to report that other than a slightly high cholesterol level, i'm clean as a whistle :) which i knew all along anyway lol

Just a little info in CASE someone has a partner that they think MAY be getting a little on the side. Just like Law & Order...if you got nothin' to hide, you shouldn't have a problem doin' it lol

Oh, one other thing.....in all my 38 years on this shitty little world, including the 14 spent in the military in numerous countries....i've been called MUCH worse than a fool LOL

"Sure, you can run and hide and swear never to view any form of porn again as if it doesn't exist, but that's not reality. Just like a recovering alcoholic, sure, he can't ever drink again, but that doesn't mean he can't walk into the bar."

Longhaul - not sure how this relates? Walking into a bar isn't going to get someone drunk. The body doesn't start changing behaviors until the alcoholic drinks something. Porn, on the other hand, instantly triggers the release of dopamine (same chemical release as cocaine). You don't have to jack off to achieve that high. So actually, yes, the goal for any recovering addict IS to avoid ever seeing porn again since most of the addiction starts there.

"Theo, one of the only things that you really need to know about me is that i'm honest and open and REAL. Not to say that others here aren't by any means, but let's just say that i'm one of the very few here that have learned to live WITH it, rather that let it take me over, and i can honestly say that i'm a happier and healthier man for it. I'm also not one to mince words and can really care less what people think of me on here. "

Healthy is not a word that comes to mind. And "real" is not either. Pornography is about objectifying human beings. So there is nothing "real" about it and using it as a tool. The only tool I see here is denial and rationalization.

"On the OTHER hand, she knows very well, even before the seperation, that i have a love of porn. We aren't living together again yet, but she knows that all she needs to do is open my hall closet and on the top shelf is my collection. I don't put it in front of her and i make sure none of it is out when she comes over. But she knows VERY well that since we spend almost entire weekends together without sex, that as soon as she leaves my apartment, a dvd is going in and i'm gonna do what i gotta do. It CAN be lived with. IF both parties involved are completely open and honest with each other about it."

You call this living??? This is a nightmare!! I know, I lived in one but thought I was "fine" until I entered recovery. She is love addicted to you, you are an avoidant sex addict. ...Living?

"Oh, one other thing.....in all my 38 years on this shitty little world, including the 14 spent in the military in numerous countries....i've been called MUCH worse than a fool LOL"

Wait a minute, I thought your were happy and healthy. Oh, I see, the world is shitty, you are just happier and healthier than the rest of the world. Narcissism is what this is called. Although, I just needed to look at the avatar to make that diagnosis. The anger, denial, and projection confirm it.

Sorry Longhaul but you are far from healthy. You want to be honest about your dysfunction on this board, fine. But stay away from trying to either normalize your addiction or calling yourself healthy. Those are lies even if you don't realize it. There are others here who are vulnerable and looking for true guidance and support. You just end up confusing them by claiming that "it can be lived with." Sure, as long as you remain an addict. But there is no such thing as a healthy addiction.

As long as you're living within the confines of your addiction - no matter the depth - you cannot be considered level-headed.

Soberone lives in sobriety, without the ebb and flow of unnecessary chemical highs. I'm likely to trust his word over Longhaul's.

Thanks Sober.

LONGHAUL: You're views are interesting. You said, "Just because one partner enjoys porn and the other doesn't care for it doesn't mean that the one that likes it should have to give it up as if it were a bad thing. Since the wife and i have been seeing each other again the last 4 months, we still have yet to have intercourse."

That's disturbing to me on many levels. And probably is self-explantory on why your wife isn't ready to have sex with you. Ever wonder why she's not? You might ask her. I think I could write a book about that. The why she's not.

I know that if my H told me he reserved his right to lust about others and not care how that made me feel, I wouldn't want to have sex with him again either. What would that mean? You'll do sometimes, but, I just need something else too because you just don't fill the entire bill? Heck, even if I wasn't married to him and he let me know that he preferred porn and masturbation to me, just as a date, I'd rather leave him to it. Just a matter of choice. How insulting could he possibly be?

Also, I would expect that he might not want to be married to me either if I reserved my right to sleep around. Which to me, would be infinitely more satisfying than imagination and little photos of degenerate people faking for cameras while I self-gratify. Oooooh, I love me, I love me, I love me? What would it feel like if they were to want me? Good grief, that would mean that I couldn't even appreciate that someone does want me...my H. Oooooh yeah, you want me, but that doesn't mean anything at all. Now, if that person wanted me, that might mean something to me? What? I fail to get this. Maybe in your straightforward honesty you can make me understand. I'm a little confused there.

The right to sleep around though, might well be the same horse of a different color. Yes? No? Are you an advocate for open marriage? Would you feel comfortable and content if your wife reserved a right to sleep around, or even self-gratify while lusting after a picture of some other guy, lots younger, photo enhanced, whatever? Letting you know by proxy that you just aren't quite gittin it done?

I know that upon questions my H didn't want to give me that "right" to be married, and live a dual life or live a so-called "open marriage." (Not that I would...wouldn't...just wanted to get to know what his values really were). He didn't want that at all. So, why on Earth would he expect that I defer to him on his porn? Same horse...different color? Feels the same from here.

I can agree that the one partner has the right to continue their sexual habits if they like, and be single. I think that's why lots of folks stay single....so they can live their life anyway they want to with no consideration of anyone's feelings at all. One does have the right to live life the way they want to. As long as they're not hurting someone else with their behavior, they get to own their own behaviors and the repercussions of that over time. My H could tell you much about what it got him...personally...aside from the marital damage.

And, if they give themselves that unalienable right, they have to accept that others are going to live life the way they want to as well. Yes? I told my H that if he wanted to live his life that way, he was welcome to go do it, but that I didn't want to live with him that way. Fair enough?

Go enjoy your porn and masturbation, I want more than that from love and marriage. Maybe paperdolls and play work for you, but I want a LOT more than that. I want to have real intimacy and real connection to a real person. Love consideration, support, caring, togetherness? Focusing my thoughts elsewhere is certainly not going to get to that end.

And, if the open-marriage partner is straight-forward honest with their partner (good for you) and that partner is willing to allow them to continue with no hurt feelings or damaging of intimacy or sexual fulfillment (which is obviously not the case of your wife who can't even bring herself to have sex with you), then where's the fault there? Both sides are then happy? OK!

But, that isn't the case with your marriage is it? Your wife is not happy with that is she? That's why she can't bring herself to have sex with you? True? What you're doing is hurting her ability to be intimate with you and that's why she doesn't feel good about sex with you? True?

So, we know how you feel about sex and marriage. But what of the partner who has chosen marriage and fidelity as their path? If they are one who believes in total fidelity, and the porn feels like infidelity to them, then they might just raise issue. I take it your wife did?

And, if the thing the one partner likes (porn and masturbation)destroys the good feeling of sex and intimacy for the partner who doesn't like it, what are they to do? They can only then make a choice, as the porn partner has already done, live life the way they choose too and let the porn partner go their way to do as they wish. Seems the only viable alternative to me if the wayward partner insists on continuing and refusing to allow for another persons feelings. Beong totally self-absorbed with no consideration whatsoever.

What on Earth does imagination and mastubation give you that is sooo great it replaces real sex? I wonder about that. If I was so unsatisfied with my H that it felt better to have sex alone...with just me, I would wonder what I wanted him around for at all. But then that's just me. And if my doing that hurt him, then why would I want to expose him to those pains? That would disturb me even more. I love you, but I don't care how you feel? Only how I feel? Yeah, great marriage partner?

I initiated watching porn with my husband and now I'm afraid it will lead to an addiction on his part. (he has an addicting personality).
For me it helps get me in the mood. It's a change of pace for us. We've been married for 22 years and maybe we just need to experiment a little. It keeps us interested.

There's lots of ways to get creative and experiment without resorting to porn.

LongHaul, Thank you very much, noone has called me a bible thumper since I was in high school BEFORE my addiction fired off the first torpedo! I am honored, and humbled that you and others are beginning to see my true self in such a positive light. Thank you again.

On that note, the reason porn is not and never will be good is because it is founded on lust. I just read this statement. When "she" becomes "that" this is anti-human. Humans are special. Humans have a spark of God in us. We are not gods, we are the image of God. When we are turned into objects the reality that God created us in His image is denied. Brunette1982 has a beautiful testimony about the results of this belief. It beats the light of life out of someone until they have no conept of worth. They are broken, beat alone, and dead. This happens to women (and men) who are objetified. That is why SOs loose there self esteem in the face of their Hs addiction. This happens to sex addicts as they walk away AGAIN from the dispicable dark hellish rooms in the back of book store after another orgasmic fix. WE degrade ourselves by denying the fact that we are the image of God. We are cherrished, adored, desired, and valued so much that we are worth dying for.

Is porn bad. Yes, because we can not be whole at the same time we berate the Holiness of the temple of ours and others bodies.

Longhaul, I appologize for calling you a fool. I know exactly what it feels like late on saturday night when the whole squadbay is drunk and loud, and full of testosterone. I know fool is "cute" compared to the blanket parties that go on just for the fun of it. I own that mistake, and disrespect, but.....

It is not disrespectful to point out that your "porn is fine what is the problem" mantra is both predictable, and sad. Not for us, but for you, and your wife, and all the people around you that might be touched by you.

You are accontable to God. And your belief that this is not true has no impact on the truth of it any more than believing porn doesn't hurt your wife keeps your wife from being hurt by your useing porn. I am sure her denial can make her think it is OK.

Regarding your statement about leaving your wife alone in bed while you have a "raging hardon"; Your not all that. That is pretty much a basic foundational part of every respectful husbands life. Your not special because of how difficult that is. You have no idea that the pain you experience at those moments is BECAUSE you are an addict, and have never experienced the true sexual pleasure of brushing her hair in that moment is far more sexual than any orgasm. The reality is the connectedness, not the sex or porn. Those are just simptoms of the heart. You are not a body with a spirit. You are a spirit with a body. And denying the spiritual part is just .... well foolish.

Thump, thump thump ;-)