Self-Injury Support Group

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm so sick of it being in my head. Like a bad relationship you wish you could just rip out, erase. I don't want it. I feel like I don't need it. But this goddamn sickness is there. I've been sooo good. I really have. Yeah I slip up. Yeah I think about it daily. But it's been four months, probably more, I don't know anymore. I mean, the stupidest shit I cut over. It's the last thing I want to do but the first thing I think of to do. I don't get it.

I'm so tired of my brain suggesting it. Why does it flash a drawer full of knives? Why can't I just get to sleep without thinking Am I going to wake up craving still?

I drew hearts on my leg. I stopped when I realized I'd cover my whole body before it could even get a small percentage of what I feel I need.

I'm sick of feeling.

I almost want to go back onto lithium but then I feel inhuman.

I can't afford health care. I can't afford to go on disability with the random ER visits without insurance and the bills those racked up.

I'm trying to listen to uplifting music.

I'm trying to just get over the bull shit.

This too will soon pass.

I'm stuck. Always stuck.

How am I going to work tomorrow? How the hell am I going to be able to drag my selfpitying ass out of bed? How the fuck can I do it for the next three months? For the rest of my life?

Positive thinking. Finding ways to make things work. Keep myself out of others business, focus on the self, on helping myself achieve what I want so badly. There are ways.

But my brain always reverts back to this shit. This stupid cutting shit. I wish I'd never started.

You know the only way I feel I can get around it is to just do it? Hush myself up for another four or six months. All that will do is fuel it, though, I know. All it will do is make it easier to do it the next time. So why even try to rationalize the idea that it's ok to cut? It's not. It's simply unacceptable. The only way to not cut is to not even reach for the blade in the first place. So I'm keeping my freezing hands busy here.

I'm trying to be the change I want to see in others. Be the person I know I'm meant to be. I've fallen far behind, but that's how it's been for a very long time.

I'm so sick of this shit. So SICK of their shit. It's not mine. No, mine is very personal, barely even involves them. It's like seeing a blade in the hands of a TV doctor, it's a trigger. Seeing them do their lives is simply a trigger. And he's going to make it so much more about him that it ever was. I'm not jealous. I'm envious. I'm not flipping out because he put his hands all over me and then literally in less than ten minutes has them all over the friend that I am so jealous of. I know better. Her life is far from perfect, her expirences just as harsh as mine. But as pretty as she is, as well off she is with her parents paying for school and her hard work ethics... Well, fuck it, it's a bit too hard for me not to feel like absolute shit after tonight. I don't even like him. He's my effin roommate and he says he doesn't want to complicate things but when it suits him he'll have his fun with me. When I request it myself he says no no no don't want to complicate things. I'm so confused. I'm not even hurt by them. I'm hurt by my past as a whore and a harlot. I'm hurt because I'm infected in the mind and body and it's all my fault. I'm upset because it's not easy for me.

Jesus mother of God I'm not as crazy as I think I am.

I'm simply falling back on an outdated type of therapy. Cutting releases endorphines. It makes your realize you are you, in your body, and it releases all the stopped up shit you didn't even know you were feeling 'cause you couldn't see it.

Of course I want to cut.

But I don't have to.

So I won't.
Posted on 11/06/09, 05:11 am