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I just don't know what to do anymore... I've searched everywhere on the web to try and find out "where I'm at"... if my level of self injury is bad or not... It's just like I "don't get it"?! It has become such a habit that I just do it... watch it... clean it... and then life just goes on like it never happened! It's like I completely disconnect from myself and like I don't always register if it's bad or not. I started taking pictures cause in a weird way when I see the wounds on myself, it's never big enough.. but when I see it on a picture, then only do I register that it's acutally bad. There is one friend in my day to day life who is aware of the self injury and another on the other side of the world... and both of them are worried... and I don't seem to get why they are worried to the extent that they are?! Let me just make it clear that I do not want to do this... I hate cutting... but I just keep on doing it... So my friend doesn't know what to say and do anymore and it just makes me feel even more helpless. I'm not at a place where I'm ready for counceling due to past insidences where confidentiality was bridged... and I can't afford any of this to come out now. I'm just confused as to what qualifies as bad or not?! And like how do I help my friend not to lose hope...? How do I get it through to her that if she loses hope... it makes it so much easier for me to do the same! I just want to stop... but the more I try... the more I mess up... but never serious! It's just confusing... you want people to care... but not worry! Am I wrong not being ready for counceling?
Posted on 12/13/12, 05:40 am
69 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Reply
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Reply #61 - 01/12/13  2:35pm
" Lene,
im sorry you've had a rough couple of days. Hopefully it gets better for you soon. i know the fear of someone finding out that you cut, but the sugar level thing is serious. Please don't dismiss it because of fear of getting caught. Take good care of yourself :-) I'll be thinking about you. And if you need me, im here to talk. Shoot me a message any time. "
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Reply #62 - 01/12/13  6:54pm
" Hey Louann521,

Thanks..I'll do that.. :-) I just need you to be honest with me if I say things that make things difficult for you..cause I really don't want to do that.

Do you think the sugar thing and the cutting can be related? I think it's maybe just my body screaming for me to take it easy.. It's never been as bad as yesterday..and I'll admit that I got a fright.. But I promise I'll be careful.. X

Stay strong you hey! "
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Reply #63 - 01/12/13  8:00pm
" I'm not sure about the cutting and the blood sugar. correct me if im wrong, but have you had an on going problem with your blood sugar....diabetic? i'll look some things up and message you privately if i find anything. Hope your feeling better

Lots of Love "
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Reply #64 - 01/13/13  10:11pm
" How are you ladies? I've been busy, but good overall. Just wanted to check in and see how you both were doing!! "
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Reply #65 - 01/14/13  6:36am
" Hey msfraggle

Nice of you to pop in and find out how we're doing! Thanks! I'm glad to hear that you're doing good!

Things have been a bit hectic on my side... it's just been a difficult weekend. From Friday with the episode at gym to just having a bit of a hard time fighting this thing... so it's been difficult...

How's things your hubby now? Being busy is sometimes a good thing! :-)

Take care both of you and I hope to talk to you soon! Be strong hey... xxx "
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Reply #66 - 01/14/13  9:06am
" Lene & msfraggle,

glad to hear your doing good msfraggle and keeping busy. That always helps.

my weekend was pretty rough. I did good fighting considering i didnt get to see my boyfriend all weekend cause he had his kids and my dad being in the hospital. Last night i slipped :-( I saw my sister, let me give you a little background on this....

my sister let her boyfriend/husband/baby daddy sexually harass me for years. trying to pull down my shirt. look down my pants. fallow me to the bathroom, and video tape me and try to catch these thing on camera while i was drunk at there house. The night i was raped by him she left me alone in the living room with him and went to bed while we watched a movie. Once everything came out a year later she told me on multiple occasions that she didnt believe me about what happened. And she went back to him 3 or 4 times. They had a very messed up relationship. So seeing her triggered flashbacks that were very unwelcome. i broke down and cut after i put my kids to bed. I talked to my boyfriend and he made me feel a lot better. He said he new what i was going thru and that he wasnt mad at me for cutting because he knows how good ive been doing. I felt awful tho, i know in a way i let him and myself down. But at the same time it was so relieving to let it go and not fight anymore. And honestly i felt so much better after doing it. But guilty at the same time. i hate that constant battle i have now being right and wrong on the subject. Im determined to keep fighting it, even tho my set back felt so good. I do think the anti depressants are helping tho. i can tell that im much calmer with my kids, and more patient. The little things dont upset as badly anymore. But when i do get upset it like im only upset on the inside and numb on the outside unable to show or express my emotion. and that's a little frustrating. The valum is helping me sleep, the nightmares still come but im able to get back to sleep easier and i feel much more rested in the morning.

well the kids are done with breakfast, gotta get busy. ill talk to you all soon
stay strong and hope your doing well...HUGS "
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Reply #67 - 01/14/13  11:52am
" Lets see...to answer your question lene about how things are with my husband...ok, i guess. After the other day (Idk if I posted on here about it or justa msg to louann) I decided to not talk to him about it anymore. Just a quick recap incase I didn't mention it already...I tried to talk to him a 2nd time and he blamed me talking to you two for the reason i cut. He said I think about it more than i used to and its only been since i joined this site. I tried to explain to him, but we just ended up arguing so I am not talking to him about it any more.
I have been doing really well. Not a single urge saturday or sunday. I've been super busy though. Working then once I get home Ive got lots to do. It was also nice that me and my best friend started talking again yesterday after our argument/disagreement on thursday when he didn't come over. So things seem to be going well. I have a busy day ahead of me today too. Sometimes I think its good and sometimes its over whelming.
Ya know, I almost feel guilty telling you I'm doing good and haven't had the urge in a couple of days and I've been clean for...uh...9days i think. (lost track :/) I really do feel kinda bad...
I'm so sorry to hear you slipped up, but I can understand why with your past. No one can blame you for that. We all slip up some time. As long as you get back up and keep trying thats all that matters. Also with you saying you don't think the anti depressants are working...they usually take a few weeks to regulate your system. The brain takes time to adjust and the chemicals in your brain will begin to level out, it just takes time. I was already thinking of looking up the one your taking and seeing what I could find. I have different books from past classes that may help shed some light on it so I can try to help you understand how it all works better...if thats ok?!
Well, like I said I've got a million things to do so I better get to it!! Talk to ya'll soon and stay strong :) "
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Reply #68 - 01/14/13  1:18pm
" hey msfraggle, i meant to say that i think they ARE working, sorry for the confusion. Not a lot yet but some. And i know they take time to get in your system, but the dr wasnt real clear on how long. some r 30 days some 3 some a week or two. I know cause my ex went thru a ton of diff meds. But of course if you would like to look it up and help me out a bit on this that woulds be great! Thanks Glad to hear your still going strong. Keep up the good work! And dont feel bad about being proud of yourself. Im proud of you too! One slip up may set me back and make me feel like shit but im determined to get back up and start over! "
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Reply #69 - 01/14/13  2:04pm
" Hey Louann and msfraggle!

So nice to hear from both of you! :-)

Louann..I do understand the situation with your sister sooooo much more now! I can't believe that she still went back to him and that she didn't believe you.. But ya..I do understand why being with your sister is so difficult..so don't stress about us judging you for slipping..I think both mysenf and msfraggle can understand why you slipped..BUT I also think both of us know that you are strong enough to keep fighting this and to get back up! Xxx

Msfraggle..I hear what you say about your hubby..it's difficult to talk to someone when they just don't "get it".. So I guess I would have done the same.. Just know that you can talk to us about it..anytime!! PLEASE don't feel guilty or bad about your progress!! We're here to celebrate it with you..cause if we can't encourage each other to get better and celebrate each other's victories and walk through the valleys together,then it will really turn into a morbid place! :-) so please don't ever feel bad about doing good and making progress!! Just know that I'm happy for you and proud of both of you for fighting and wanting to overcome this..and where I'm at has got nothing to do with me being proud of both of you! So don't ever feel bad cause you're doing good! Xxx

You should both take care and I'm glad to hear that you've got great days ahead of you..even if it's a bit busy..I think it's a good thing!! Enjoy!! :-) "

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