Schizophrenia Support Group

Yes I have attempted it maybe 30 times. I tried hanging, cutting, and overdosing. I still have the thoughts and they race through my head constantly. Things that pushed me were low self-esteem, being bullied, being abused and having a bad relationship with my parents. And for husband I don't what he could have been seeing. It depends on the individual person. It could have been anything, a lot of people talk about demons possessing them. Maybe but I don't want to say that was him since I don't know him.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have been close to suicidal many times and all I can say is that your husband was in worse pain than you can probably imagine. But also, you must remember, that suicide is not a rational choice and so a rational person cannot understand what is going through a suicidal person's mind. Your husband could not see that life could get better, for to commit suicide is to not have hope. I imagine that even in your own worst times, you knew that life would get better eventually... Suicidal people do not have this knowledge, which is the tragedy, for it is true-there is hope. Most people who are depressed and may feel hopeless do not have the motivation to go through with killing themselves, which is why it is sometimes seen as a dangerous sign when people who have been severely depressed start doing better-now they have the motivation to complete an action that they previously only contemplated. If this helps in any way, people that kill themselves usually also think that they are helping the people that they left, that the ones left behind are "better off." This is why women with postpartum depression sometimes kill themselves.

What I want you to understand is that your husband was sick and you can't understand, nor do you really want to understand what he was thinking/going through. To understand would be to believe that there is no hope and in case anyone reading this believes that, then I want you to know that hope is real.

I do not have scizophrenia, I have bipolar and I was just looking on this board to see if somebody had responded to a post I needed to make and I found yours.

First off, I am really sorry that you lost your husband and also that even before that you had some tough problems of your own.

I have attempted suicide on a few occasions, I wont give details as it could trigger somebody who might read this. Some times it was a long long build up to it, id get more and more depressed, my thoughts would become more and more negative and the thoughts that justified it were that is was the only and the best option for me and everyone involved. no more suffering for my family caused by me, no more for me either. When well, you know that suicide causes more pain and leaves far more questions than any illness could evoke, but your thoughts and brain is wired very differently when unwell and you have no perspective.

and the other times... something just flipped in my head. totally. I could be relatively ok.. just a bit agitated and something might happen, or I might hear a voice in my head say something or a thought would come in and id be on autopilot and I had no control over what I was doing.
I know you said there was no sign of an episode before this, but has he been ill recently prior to it? Sometimes people can seem well once they have decided on something.. made the plan.. it comforts them knowing it will be done with soon.
From the little you have said, I think for your husband it might have been more like a switch flipping. I dont think he really would have known fully what or why he was doing it, but obviously I cant really acurately make that judgement. even if I knew you both very well I still probably couldnt. nobody could.

I dont really think there is any way to tell what he was seeing. The only thing that comes into my head is that he didnt see anything atall.. not even himself. Perhaps because he didnt see himself, he didnt feel he should be here. Or maybe it was as simple as seeing himself just made him feel such pain and reminded him of all the problems he endured. He probably saw himself and felt bad that he wasnt stronger for you, for his family. I find it hard to look in the mirror when I am unwell. It could be that, it could be anything.

You have to ask yourself, would it really help you to know? Even if you knew it might never make any sense to you. Just try and take a little comfort in the fact that hes not suffering his problems anymore and know that if able to, he would truly regret leaving such a caring, loving wife behind.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone for your replies. As I think back on the events of the few weeks before his suicide I have been putting things together that I overlooked at the time that should have been signs that he was not well. One thing that comes to mind is that he would have sudden outbursts of laughter. When I would ask what was so funny he would never tell me. He also had all of a sudden become concerned that I was unfaithful. He had never been a jealous person before. It seems like he was probably mildly ill for quite some time before but I had become so used to his symptoms always being present in some degree so I didn't pick up that things were different. I guess I never will know exactly what he was thinking. I had just hoped to get some idea since it was so sudden and I'd never delt with such a serious mental illness first hand. I just can't comprehend why he would do this when he had a wife and three young children. Not to mention a terminally ill mother and a brother and sister that need him more now than ever before.

That probably was a part of it... that he had you and the children and couldnt be well for you all. And that he had people who needed him who were really ill and he couldnt be there for them either. He probably felt like he was causing you all to suffer and that youd suffer less without him.

Really, your mind totally rewires. He would have thought it was best. There would have been no convincing him otherwise. Hed have thought it would help, that much I know because I have been there myself.

I dont think you will ever get the answers you are looking for and that is the hardest and saddest part for somebody having to deal with the suicide of a loved one. Please dont feel like you should have noticed things and that maybe you have some fault, because you do not! It was always his decision.

Please get some help for yourself to deal with this xx

hmmmmm i dont know how to answer this because well ive tried to commit suicide alot of times. im really sorry for your loss. i cant explain what it is that your head does to you to make you want to try commit suicide. its diffcult, for me once the vocie tells me to do something im court up in it, i cant stop mulling it over with the vocie argueing with it, but sometimes there is no argueing, its just a vocie saying u must do this and all the things like worrying im not good enough,that people hate me and out to hurt me and no cares if i die become so very concreate and i have to do extactly what the vocie tells me. i read about some of the things u noticed before .... like the laughing... i always have this. the battle in my head with gavin makes me laugh or its clear on the outside im finding something funny because ive had random outbursts and my boyfriends wondering what the hell im laughing at then asks me and i cant tell him,its not something he can know.i know when i get bad i shut myself from everything and everyone because i have gavin in my head its almost like everything else doesnt exist, nothing else is there almost...once gavin convinces me suicide is the answer im turned against everything and everyone and nothing matters...not the fact that i have people who love me ect.
i have no idea how it was for ur husband becasue everyone is different but i feel i can relate to what you are saying but i cant really explain myself.
erm, yeh.sorry for waffling.hugs

Wow. I could be in a relationship like that. I have my own private world away from everyone else. I'm sorry for you too. I know people love me. It shocked my boyfriend quite a bit when I just up and started mutilating my arm because I was doing an art project on it. It even got to me finally. I'm wondering if I have schizophrenia. I really relate here a lot. I live in a different world I can't seem to leave and it can be scary, isolating, and debilitating.

i am soooo sorry for your loss