I was raped for the first time when I was 13 by a "friend" in which I lost my virginity, six months later I was raped again by a different "friend". The first time I spoke to my friends about it and only one person believed me it felt horrible as the guy was saying all kinds of horrible things about me. I shortly there after became suicidal, I am no longer suicidal and haven't been for the last 3 years. My
school counselor was informed of what was going on through a friend of mine. My mother was then informed and couldn't stop
yelling at me she was so disappointed at the suicide thing that she couldn't focus on the rape (she had been raped 3 years earlier). She said you don't need
counseling and you don't need drugs. So I "dealt" with it. Six months later I was raped again by a different person, since almost no one believe me about the first time I thought why would anyone believe me this time. I constantly feel guilty as the second guy raped another girl 2 years later and got her pregnant, she told and he went to
jail for a few years. I can speak freely about the accounts this is not my problem. My problem is ever since the rape I have felt very low self worth in turn I became very promiscuous thinking well I already lost my virginity what does it matter now. I am now 21 and I have not been able to keep a real relationship with a man. Whether it be I can't see him for long or I date someone for a long time but I am constantly cheating. Every time it has happened I have felt extreme guilt and never know why I do it I don't even like the people it happens with but I really care about the person I cheated on. I don't know if this has happened to other people but I will try really hard not to cheat and then if someone tries to get with me I will try to be sweet and keep saying no but they always make me feel really guilty which is what happened after the first rape. Beyond the promiscuity I also have flash backs every once in a while and I just freak out. For example an ex boyfriend 2 years ago grabbed me by the risk and it felt forceful I just freaked out I pushed him very hard away from me and I hit him in the chest and then I just went and sat down and cried. I told him why I freaked out and he understood. But its hard to keep a relationship like this. I recently broke up with a man of 3 years and I feel guilty every day because of cheating on him, most of which he doesn't know about. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to be intimate with as the intimacy decrease radically in the past year. Any suggestions to help with my problems?
Posted on 11/07/09, 04:11 pm
The only thing I can think of that might help is talking to a couselor & being very open with your boyfriend. If he really cares, he more than likely will understand the fact that this is more like an addiction and not just you being unfaithful, and he'll try & do whatever he can to help. Maybe when you feel the urge to cheat, call him and talk to him. It's going to take you and him tackling this together for it to be fixed....well at least in my own opinion. And also, if you go to counseling, then you can get to the -what I like to call- the "why" factor...you know, why do you do these things, and once you learn that, then you can really work on fixing the problem.
