Rape Support Group

I am sorry that I haven't been on recently. I feel horrible for not being here for you guys.

My boyfriend and I just finished moving into our own place. We were living with roommates and it just needed done.


Eating wise, eh. Lots of soda. Lots of junk food. And the occasional healthy dinner. Right now, I think a lot is going on with the change of scenery and being in the new place. It is certainly freeing.

I am a binge eater. That's how I have coped with all of this.


Let's see...Counseling wise... hmm. I know it's been effecting my eating.

3 Weeks ago, I actually started telling my counselor about details. My counselor actually started tearing up saying that she had no idea how much torture was involved with it all.

The next Tuesday, Marissa ended up going to a seminar/ uptraining in Seattle, Washington.


Week before last, I went to counseling normally. Marissa had gone to a training on PTSD that was being done by the military. Apparently, they have been working A LOT with PTSD over the years and are now releasing new treatments to civilians. The organization I am going through, is one of the first counseling enters to get it.

Marissa felt that I would be a good candidate to try it. She said this will help me to stop "avoiding" dealing with it. Which I want to do! It's just so much harder than I thought.

One of the first things we covered is natural healing vs non natural. She explained that some people can heal from traumas with no problem. They do it without assistance and where as it stays with you, they handle it okay. They process it without issue.

Others, like me, have "stuck points" that they get caught up on.

With the new program we'll be working with, identifying these points are one of the most important steps and Marissa said that there would be a lot of homework.

My first assignment? List as many "stuck points" as I can. I came up with alot actually.

Most of them "untrue" but it's how I felt. She kept the paper b/c there is a lot listed on it and we will be revisiting it in the future,

This past Tuesday, we went through ALOT of painful things. Things I havent admitted to anyone. I felt that I was breaking the vow of silence that I created for myself. It has hurt me to break this vow. It's what kept me safe. All the guilt that I carry and all the blame I take, has been covered because of this vow...


The newest assignment I have started yet. Not sure how to. It's called an Impact Statement. It's something you write about a page long (or more) in which you describe what happened (no details), why you think it happened (NOT blaming us, but trying to understand how we feel about it), explained how it effected our self esteem/trust/intamacy/power/self control.

I will have it done though. I have no clue where to start though.....sighs.

I know this will be worth it. It's just hard. And I think as I process this more, I am getting more emotional, and therefore, I am eating a heck of a lot more.

I have become obcessed again. I have been watching Law and Order:Special Victims Unit which is a giant trigger to me. I left work early one day JUST to go to the library and research sexual assault.

I want to know why this happened. No one can tell me that. Other than the fact I WENT to his house...

Just wanted to check in.


Celeste
Posted on 11/07/09, 04:11 am