Rape Support Group

No one has a right to touch you without your permission. Even if the interaction had started consensual (which it doesn't sound like it did), you always have the right to say stop, no more. It is *your* body, *your* sacred space.

What you are experiencing (waking up, feeling they are touching you) is known as a flashback - a memory so strong you can feel it physically. This happens sometimes when we are exposed to really horrible things. It doesn't mean you are crazy. It is just one way the body copes with memories it doesn't quite know how to process.

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. Is there a trusted adult or friend at school or in church/synagogue/mosque that you can turn to? Someone you trust to listen to you and not blame you for this? A local rape crisis hotline? It sounds like you really need to talk about this experience and what it means to you. The more safe people you can find to talk about this with, the better you will feel.

You can also try journalling - sometimes just writing out your story and how you feel about it can really help.

Rape is a very painful thing - even just to hear about it. Sometimes your friends and even people who really love you blame you because it is easier than imagining that something so horrible can happen to someone they care about. That is their coping mechanism. It doesn't have to be yours. The decision to ignore your "no" (or to put you in a position where you felt afraid to say "no") was someone else decision. It wasn't yours.

Healing takes time and hard work, but it does happen. Your pain doesn't mean you are weak. Quite to the contrary - it takes a lot of strength to face the pain of an experience as horrible as this.

Take care, beth

well, you're certainly NOT crazy. although, honestly, i feel like i am, too.

what you're feeling and going through is normal. at least for some of us. me included.

you were FOURTEEN. it wasn't your fault. as for the police. tell them the truth. seriously. explain what you're feeling - that you were afraid. if they're smart, they'll look into it.

i'm so sorry this happened to you...similar to mine, but not the same...

if you need to talk to someone, i'm always here. message anytime...

and i hear you about the "it only gets better". it's been a while for me...and i'm in the same boat. i wish i was killed in the process of what happened...there was a time when i felt grateful that i was spared...but i'm not sure where that went...because now i'm just blah... =/

Beth,
no one is there, i feel like i cant talk to anyone... idk it hurts to talk about it, it hurts to know that people are judging me, that they are looking at me like a filthy whore. Pretty much, everyone ive talked to say i need to take responsibility if he's doing this to other girls... i know he's a coward but if i dont do anything to stop him from doing this horrible disgusting thing to someone else, it makes me feel like a coward. and i go to a christian private school, these people would shame me for how dirty i am, if they really knew. these people act like they are virtually perfect... how do i even compare myself with there high standards?? i feel like no guy will ever want me, he wont love me if he knows the truth... i just feel so alone.

I'm sorry!


As for Shai,
i feel like its to late to tell the police... its been more than a year.
i feel like it is my fault, they said it was. he manipulated me into helping him get him money from his friends, i was never suppose to have sex! he promised me, he promised me. i never wanted that, i wanted to help him, i so badly did, he took advantage of me and i don't know how i can ever get over the fact that my life has been degraded :/

First, good for you for being proactive and asking for help finding a rape support group in AZ (your other post). You are beginning to take control again. This is important. You can also call the hotline at RAINN for referrals - check their website they have a toll free number and a national directory of victim support services.

What to tell your parents.... Hard to know since I don't know your parents. Each parent is different. Even the really good parents are just grown up teenagers. Parents can vary a lot in how good they are at this parenting thing even when they love their kids more than anything. Some are really good at listening and helping their children find the support they need. Some aren't.

What I *can* tell you is how I would likely respond if my daughter told me a story like yours. I'd be upset and confused. Some part of me would want to blame my daughter (not because it really is her fault, but it is just easier than dealing with the reality); some part of me would blame myself because I couldn't magically prevent this; some part of me would just want to take her in my arms and cry together and tell her "its bad now, but we'll work together to make it better". I don't know what would come out first - I hope the last.

But once I got past the initial shock, I'd work like crazy to build a support system for my daughter and for our whole family. You may be surprised at the "whole family" bit - but that's because knowing rape as I do (I was raped a little over 14 yrs ago), I know it impacts everyone close.

I'd start with the local rape crisis center, or one in the nearest city, or RAINN (as I suggested above) just to find out what's available in my area.

I'd ask around for therapists that have a good reputation for helping teens and families deal with tragedy - things like death of siblings - rape is a trauma not a mental illlness. I'd look for people who are really going to listen to my daughter - not just try to paper things over with formulaic theories. Rape has a different meaning for each person. What is important is that you find *your* meaning.

I might talk to the school adminstration about ways they could be supportive - everything from more time to do schoolwork to providing someone to talk to if she felt a really painful memory at school (or at least a cellphone and the option of leaving class if she needed time out). If the school wasn't supportive, I and my daughter might discuss changing schools.

Because my experience of rape raised deep questions about the nature of self, body, human action, even God, I'd look for people that might help me deal with them - a clergy person, pastoral counsellor or other religious thinker who is willing to coach us on developing our own faith response to it. Based on my experience, any encounter with real freely-chosen evil (and an encounter with a rapist qualifies) requires a lot more religious sophistication than you can get from the "believe in Jesus and it will all be better" kind of Christianity. This kind of thing needs a Detrich Bonhoeffer, Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Desmond Tutu sort of faith. They didn't do great things because they were "perfect". Their strength came from being willing to stare evil in the face. They had come to believe that God was as mad and sad about what they saw as they were.

Action can take many forms - it could be you'll decide eventually to report this to the police (make sure you have lots of support if you do - it will be an uphill battle).

But there are lots of other ways to stop the evil; simply getting yourself back on an even keel does that - right now you are in so much pain, it is taking energy from all the other things you need to do (like go to school). You have something to contribute to the world and you need your whole self for that.

Or you may decide at some point that you want to share what you've learned with others. Or you might decide that "the system" needs to change and that you want to fight to change laws or the way the police work with 14 year olds might be another. Whatever you decide to do is a very personal thing.

The point I'm making is that help isn't going to come from just one person or just one source. You have got to be creative in putting what you need together.

Beth

Beth,
Thanks for the amazing response. its so weird bc i feel as if i have no control at all. that even tho the rape isnt still going on it is in my mind, it is happening all day over and over and sometimes its worst than others but i just cant see how they can still control me even tho theyre not even with me, i can see how they has control when i was with them... they did whatever they wanted.

As for my parents, they sorta already know bits and parts. obviously i was missing for 30 hours and to the police station then the ER (WHICH FELT LIKE IT WAS WORST THEN THE ACTUAL RAPE) i denyed it at first, i just simply avoided answering any question, for the sake of my life (they said they would kill me) what was i suppose to do?? i feel like i did everything wrong. after this all happen, my parents knew something was wrong (serious problems) i went into counseling and got on Prozac for depression. i felt like i was sick.... and at first i fought it. i realized how it was hurting my family so bad. after that, i stopped making a problem out of my thoughts and re accurances in my mind. My mom thinks im doing soooo much better now, but in reality i just keep it from her. i feel selfish to feel sad and bad about myself. she has soooo much on her plate, i just dont want her to worry about me. so i go on with my day smiling and happy (and no, im off the prozac, ive been off for about 3 months) i sometimes take anxiety meds. but thats only when i have my horrible panic attachs. My moms been a great support but she gets fustrated when i talk to the counseler and not her, and she hates that i just cant get over this. she;s always saying im strong and better than them... but she just doesnt get it! she literally thinks im doing so good, i just hide all from her and its not like she can even tell, considering how she works so much, i feel selfish to steal some of her time after she's worked a 10/12 hr shift.

Im afraid to call RAINN, i really am. i tried calling a helpline like that back ago maybe a couple months and i ended up just hanging up bc i felt as if they were judging me and looking at me as if im naked. i dont like that. i dont even know what to say to them....

Isnt it too late to make a police report? and seriously they dont care. i was in 3 districts of police during this ordeal (PHX, Chandler, Maricopa) which one would i go to? the guy who set it all up.. moved! can u believe that? he literally moved not even a month after this happened... he still lives in az. but wow, i wonder what he was afraid of... i kinda wish he still lived just down the street, i think i would have probably gone over there and forced him to tell me the names of the cowards who did this.... but im just a coward myself. i never had the strength to do. not even to this day. its really sad, that i cant stick up for myself....

i just dont know how to deal with it anymore....

I am so sad for you. This kind of thing happens a lot more than anyone knows. You have seen pure evil as Beth said. I am sure this guy has done this before and will do it again but it is not your responsibility. It is like expecting a doctor to perform open heart surgery on himself. It is impossible. You're are healthier in your response than you know because a lot of people just bury the feelings and avoid the pain though drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, self-injury. You are feeling the pain which is hard now but in the long run it's better to work it through. Everything that you are feeling is normal but what you are dealing with is so much that you need a good rape counselor to help you (note that just because they are a counselor doesn't mean they know about rape victims). Depression and everything else for you are symptoms and reactions to your trauma and are not the primary problem. You should read up on rape and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which will help you understand . Your mom can't really understand what's happening to you because she is your mom and her own emotions are involved and only another rape victim and a good trained professional can really understand what's going on. Your feeling guilty about not being the good daughter and being "trouble" by not "getting over it" and needing help. What happened to you is just so bad. It is not just the assault but that you trusted someone, that you went looking for someone to love and pay attention to you and they pretended to love you in order to harm you.
I went to the police over a year and a half later and sometimes people go ten years later. You could go in and just say the truth of what really happened and that you were afraid (how could you not be afraid!). I think it might make you feel better even though there won't be much they could do about it. If you decide to, try to make the report to the Sexual Crimes Unit which hopefully should have an understanding of typical rape victim reactions.
Here are some links you might want to try. It helps to know they are others.
http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/r...
http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/effect...
www.domesticviolenceservices.com/rape
http://www.911rape.org/home
http://www.rvap.org/pages/trauma
http://sexual-abuse.suite101.com/a...

Atarglu,
please dont feel sorry for me.... he did hurt me, i really thought he loved me, but like a brother. id talk to him constently and he's tell me what an amazing girl i was. he told me hes never met anyone like me and i could go on and on.... i just wanted to help him. how could i get soooo close to him and he still would do this horrid thing to me?? i feel like i wanna cry now.. thats all i ever want to do. everyone keeps saying how im so strong and how i am in control and that i can get over this.. but i really cant. i really really cant. and im not strong and im not incontrol.... i let them rape me! i told them to stop i cried and yelled and they hit me and pulled my hair. i feel disgusting... i feel like their bodily fluids all over me and its sick... i just want it all to go away... the feelings, the thoughts, the nightmares, the terrifying reaccurances, the draw backs and everything! just take it all away.
i hate them bc i feel like i can never be normal or have a normal relationship again, not only with a boy but anyone... i gave him everything! every part of me, i gave him evrything and he treated me like i was garbage.. he sold me. am i really worth what he got out of it?
he reminded me of my brother, through him i was helping my brother (or so i thought) it doesnt make a difference now. i didnt help him, i didnt help my brother is in prison and theres no way i can help him now and all it ended up was me getting hurt!
i know, i know i sound really really selfish... im sorry for that.
i really do wish i could get over this....


The websites were interesting but i still dont think that i have the strength to actually call someone. im scared of what they're gonna think of me... i feel like i wont fit in, im too disgusting for anyone to want me in there "group" the things they did... i dont want to tell anyone all the way. its disgusting to me, its ehh. i disgust myself, what makes me think that what they did wont disgust other people... they will look at me weird and just i cant live with that.

Hun, first of all, I am so sorry for everything that you have gone through.

Despite what we may feel, we are not to blame. I struggle with this every day.

You're not crazy. That I can promise you. As the others have stated, you're experiencing horrible flashbacks and "body memories". I think most of us go through this. I am not trying to minimize your pain, I am just wanting to let you know that you are not alone. None of us are.

I know you want to get over this. We all do. It is a common goal. I was sexually abused as a child by my cousin than raped/almost killed in 2004.

Don't think that because it's been over a year, that you are going to be forced to get over it. Everyone heals at different rates. We're too different not to. There's no right way to deal with it anyways.

You know, you may have lied to the police to protect your attacker,...it was self protection. You were afraid. I have pressed charges against my rapist, however, I dropped all of them. Allowing him to torment me for so long afterwards.

Last week, my counselor told me something that I think applies to us all. During something like this, we either try to fight it, we run from it, or we freeze during it.

I was a freezer myself.

If you need anything, please let us know. We understand.

Thanks so much!
im not sure if im a freezer or what.. but i sure do feel like a scumbag coward. isnt that how they should feel?? why do i feel like this is my fault when they dont give a damn. everything is so messed up......

One of the worst things anyone ever told me after the rape was "You're strong, you'll get over it!". I am strong, but the experience of rape was different from any other challenge I faced before. The very core of the experience was that I had tried my best and I *still* couldn't stop it. That was the very problem that upset me most and they were side stepping it!

I'm a fighter. I fought physically when I could and the psychologically when it was clear I had no chance of physical escape. I apparently did such a good job at defending myself that the police themselves were impressed. A friend of mine who used to run the DC rape crisis center said that my rape defense was "textbook".

But it didn't stop the rapist. Some people just really, really want to do bad things. They actually think it is fun to treat you like you aren't even human. And unless you are bigger and stronger and have the fire power of Rambo, you just aren't going to stop them. But even Rambo got pretty bruised up trying to stop the bad guys.

During my rape I wanted the be absolutely certain that the rapist had made a conscious choice to hurt me. At several points I said to him "This is wrong. You have no right to touch me without my permission. You have free will. You have the power to choose. You do not need to do this. You can stop." He didn't stop. He didn't want to.

I don't think that 19 year old and his 3 "friends" were any different. They wanted to hurt you. And you couldn't stop it because they wanted it.

The hard part about rape is that it forces you to realize that there are some things you just can't stop and you *still* have to go on and make sense of your life. What I've been discovering to help me over the years is two things: (a) we can be both powerless and powerful at the same time (b) being strong doesn't have to get in the way of getting help. Sometimes it can even help you get help.

A bit of caution: if the photo above is an actual picture of yourself, you may want to think twice about that. It makes you less anonymous. This is a public forum and anyone can read it, including people you know whom you may not be ready to share your story with yet.

Beth