Rape Support Group

Ok..a lot of people will probably say I souldn't be saying this...but piss off to anyone who says I have to forgive him in order to heal...that gives him power he shouldn't have.

No, you don't need to forgive in order to heal ......... you just need to be able to put the past in its place and decide that the perpetrators really aren't that important in your life. Easier said than done, I know!
I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened to your daughter, and to you as well.

I dont think at all you will ever need to forgive them... I definitely never will, they dont deserve my forgiveness for even one second of their miserable life.

To say I forgive him would be far to strong. But do I hate him I don't know, because in order to hateI have to feel and for him I feel nothing. I have forgiven myself though for all the stupid decisions I made that night and my hurt is more peaceful. Does that make sense?

Okay, I'll chime in. I forgave... and it helped ME.

I'm not telling anyone that they have to forgive... So please don't tell me to 'piss off':o)

What I discovered is that the old saying; "Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die", is very true. Anger and hatred eats away at us. It's even medically proven that people that have bitter hearts suffer physical problems because of it. As well as emotional problems and relationship problems because it seeps out into other area's that are unrelated. (Have you ever known a bitter person? They aren't much fun to hang out with.)

When I was angry at my rapists and held on to it, it felt good! Anger is a powerful emotion. I thought it was 'weakness' to forgive. I couldn't have been more wrong. When I forgave, I found true power. Those men no longer held me captive in hatred. I took that away from them, in order to live my own life without that influence in my heart. As long as I stayed angry, I was 'tied' to them. When I forgave, that tie was cut.

When I forgave, the panic attacks started going away. The headaches and bodyaches left. My relationship with my husband began to mend and actually grow. There was peace in my own heart because I didn't have to worry about whether they were experiencing good things or bad things in life and being uptight about the thought of anything good going their way. It became a non-issue for me. I no longer cared and was even able to pray for them that they would see God and humble themselves before Him and find His forgiveness... just like I did.

Forgiving made a tremendous difference in my life, for my life.

But how do you do it? I mean, my feelings about my perps are very confused, I don't know what I think any more. But I don't know how to feel differently - if I could control it, I would like to let go of all this.

Forgive him? Geez I'll be happy to stop hating him so much I think.

Ok..my comment is in 2 parts and I hope it helps or makes sense so here goes:
1st - Someone told me that there are some hurts that never have to be forgiven and they include (Sexual Abuse, Molestation and R-) its because of what it does to the victim/survivor and nobody has the right no matter what to inflict that kind of abuse, pain or trauma on another human being under any circumstances period.
I don't know if you know much about the Bible but there were 3 cases of R- mentioned in the Bible and in all the cases the perp(s) all died very shortly after the crime or within 2 years (Ex: Dinah -Jacob's daughter-Genesis 34:1-27 / Tamar -King David's daughter R- by her half brother- 2Samuel 13:1-18/and the Woman who was R-ed all night until she died by men of Gibeah Judges chapters 19 & 20)
The Bible accounts mentioned above are true and God had it written for our instruction ..these stories show how God personally feels about this horrific crime.
Every1 who commits the crime of R- is deserving of death and they will have to answer to God for what they've done even if they seem to skate free from the legal system now--It's not just a little thing!
2nd-About hating the person(s) try not to let them rent space in your brain (I know it's easier said than done) it's just that hatred causes so much harm if you hold on to it--you would be the one to end up sick or suffering other bad effects of intense hatred. You can HATE the horrible act of R-....but don't give the R-ist the satisfaction of robbing you of your health too! sorry to be so long-winded...I wish you the best!

I really like Kaye10's reply!! Very helpful. I happen to agree, although the thought of forgiveness made me extremly mad at first, myself. I could barely fathom the idea. Now that it has been put in your head, you can play around with it and see in time if it will work for you. It took me a long time to think about forgiveness before it came to be, but it did set me free....maybe one day it can for you.

And cuddles76, I thought it was very interesting about the bible excerpts. I'll have to check them out.

I don't know about forgiveness... most of the time, I want retribution.

But then I think about it.... I mean, this guy was a close friend of mine, someone I trusted above most other people. For him to have hurt me like that makes him a pretty fundamentally f-ed up individual, and for that, I pity him... sort of. I'm healing because I refuse to let him ruin my life. I refuse to let this be the defining moment that takes away from all of the good I'm trying to do with my life and all of the things I want to do with my life. Kaye's definately a stronger woman than me... Pity's the best I can manage, and that's only when I'm not wanting to cause massive physical pain. If you can manage to forgive, more power to you. It might be healthier in some ways that wanting revenge, but sometimes, the anger is all we have to keep us going.