Rape Support Group

i havent told many people, but teh ones have just really have no idea what to say, usually.

When I finally told...my friend said I deserved it. Her dad was one of my abusers. She said it was my fault.

It took me six years to get the courage to tell another person...it took me a total of eight year to tell my mom (and I only told her about my ex doing it)....I've had negative reactions...and so-so reactions. One positive...

Before I begin, I'd like to say I'm so sorry Shai! That's awful!

Ok, well, in my experience, the people I have told, reacted with instant sympathy or were just stunned and didn't know how to react. With the exception of the jack ass deputy that took my report, everyone has been supportive. (: I've told a couple people, and I try to steer them towards an appropriate first reaction, which I believe makes both of us more comfortable in the conversation.

The first person I told was my boyfriend. He noticed that every time he touched me I'd tense up. He had a friend that did the same and he knew that she was raped, so one day he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me. Told me he loved me and then asked me if I was raped. I cried instantly and he felt like crap for making me cry. But he also told me that my answer wouldn't change how he felt about me. In the end I told him everything. And the next day he took me to get tested for all STD's since I hadn't done it. He also convinced me to go to therapy for it. In addition to everything he had already done he got me in contact with his friend who was raped, she helped me through a lot of things. Now this day she is one of my very good friends. I got very lucky to have such a great and understanding boyfriend. But I have also had not so good stories with telling people. Like when I told my best friend she just stared at me... For like 5 minutes... Then said that she didn't know what to say.

I had a friend once whom I just told the most general things (that I was assaulted as a freshman in college). Whenever we would be by ourselves at school, she would ask me questions about it. "What was it like?" "How do you feel about guys now?" I couldn't take the barrage of questions, and I stopped being friends with her. I still feel bad about it.

I blurted it out to someone at work due to crazy circumstances (again, just that it happened), and he never spoke of it again. I always wondered if he thought of it when he looked at me after that. I don't know.

I never spoke of it again to anyone else. Here on DS is the only time I have ever opened up about some of the details, and it is very freeing. I know I have MANY issues on which to work, so I am summoning the courage to go to therapy to discuss this in person, where I am not anonymous. It is a big step for me.

I think people will have different reactions, and it depends on your relationship with those you tell as well as their personalities. It is a big step for you to tell someone. It may feel better if you can tell someone about it completely on your terms - the timing, the details, etc. And remember that their reactions, if not what you desire or need, reflect nothing on you or your pain. It is their problem if their are not supportive or constructive.

Of course, telling a professional could be helpful. Therapy is always a good choice. I know I am the biggest hypocrite, but I now know that, for me, it will be the only way. I have tried almost everything else.

I had one friend (my best friend at the time) tell me that I deserved it and I probably liked it. Her reaction crushed me and I had a breakdown and didn't speak to anyone for weeks not even my family.

I didn't tell many people after that. Not unless I completely trusted them and they passed all my tests - which were pretty extreme. Where I live now there are 10 people who know what happened (and some of them don't know the whole story). That includes my doctor, my counsellor, and my psychologist.

Worst of the worst was the one who asked a lot of questions about the attack itself and then told me I was really screwed up, stupid, and a host of other things, and it wasn't r*pe at all. These are topics since specifically what he said to me was so horrible I wouldn't dare repeat most of it.

I continue telling people topics but will "dance around the fire" for quite a while before I actually do and details are scare... the ones that occurred when I was an adult... the details now are non-existent since I feel like they'll get flipped on me if anyone knows anything about them at least with the childhood attacks I have yet to encounter someone cold enough to tell me THOSE were my fault.

Best initial? I started shaking as I told him and he didn't say anything but extended his hand. His first words were "I don't know why you told me now, but I am honored you did."

I don't have any brothers, but I have a male cousin who had told me many times over the years that he was my big brother & that he loved me very much & that if I ever needed anything at all at any time I should go to him. Well, about a month or so after it happened & my head was starting to clear, I decided to take him up on that offer. It was a hard decision to make, but I reached out to him, only to be betrayed. After grilling me for all the lewd details he concluded that it was my fault because boys will be boys & that I should have known better. He said he couldn't blame the guy for doing "a guy thing." Naturally, I totally regretted telling him anything. He wasn't any help whatsoever, and all this did was to lower his opinion of me. After that I never told another living soul until I started dating my husband. I didn't want to tell him either at first, but you know how guys are, wanting to know every detail of your past. So I very reluctantly answered all of his questions honestly, because I did not want to start our relationship off with a lie. He wasn't very supportive in the beginning either (men!) When we were engaged we finally had an argument that almost broke us up. After that he never brought it up again and I was relieved. I put it all out of my mind as best as I could. I never did talk about it again with anyone. But lately, things have happened to trigger those memories, and when I found myself crying during my physical a couple of months ago, I decided I finally needed to address this properly. I wasn't ready for therapy (still can't bring myself to say those things out loud just yet), so I decided to join DS. I have found it to be very helpful, because these are all people who have been through the same thing, so they/we tend to be very supportive and non-judgemental. My advice to you is to talk to us on DS, talk to your therapist (if you have one), and be very discriminating in who else you choose to share your story with. Not everyone is understanding, and many people are not capable of giving you the support that you need. Some people say stupid things which they don't realize can really set you back in your recovery. Just look at me. It's 12 yrs later and I am just now starting to go through all the symptoms that most of us go through in the beginning. I was totally in denial because the initial responses I received were negative. SO be very choosy in who you talk to. This is what I like to call "privileged information." And remember, once it's out there, it's out of your hands and you can't take it back. I hope that helps.

Immediately after I told my sister and best friend. My sister was shocked and barely said anything, as if I hadn't told her. I was so stunned by her non reaction. She didn't tell me to go to the doctor or tell anyone who could help me and pretended for the next 14 years it had not affected me. My best friend wasn't that helpful either. She did tell me to go to the police but she didn't want anything to do with helping me. There responces totally devastated me for over 6 years. I finally told my doctor when I was at University away from anyone I knew. That was 7 years ago and I'm still needing help. I have told other people in the last few years and they have been much kinder and sympathetic. I was only 14/15 at the time so maybe age played a part. Expect to get mixed responces, but know that is other peoples ignorance that have left them to be unsympathetic.

yeah.. i dont like telling just normal friends...they seem to get uncomfortable (naturally)...so it doesnt help much talking to them