Rape Support Group

My name is Caitlyn, and i am 15 years old.

Alright, so I've decided to come out about a few things that have been going on, with people who are going through the same exact thing. I've had a good bit of traumatic events that have happened in my life.. I was sexually abused by my step brother from the time I was 7 to the time I was 14. I finally had the guts to tell someone, DHR got involved and removed him from our home. When he graduated high school last summer, my dad ignored DHR's orders and allowed him to move back in with us, so he could find what he wanted to do for his life. It happened all over again. Not only with me, but with an innocent 5 year old little girl, that did nothing wrong. I resent my father for many things but this is just one of them. He let someone back into our home, knowing what this person has done to his daughter; whether it was his step son or not, he was fully aware of what could have happened if he was brought back into our home. Luckily, when I told my therapist, he made it certain that he would never stay in the same home as me ever again. I still see him every once and a while, because he IS still in my family but I try to keep my distance, and I am very alert, and keep a very close eye on him when he is around young girls. It just really bothers me and I will do everything I possibly can to prevent it from happening to anyone else. Eventually, my dad had his second divorce, due to my step mom's drinking all the time. I think the divorce was hardest on me, because every time I think I have a mother figure in my life, it's a joke. I started using drugs and drinking alcohol quite a bit when i was about 13 years old because my step mother allowed me to be around that kind of stuff.. April 17. 2010, I put myself in a terrible position. I was at a party, under the influence of both drugs and alcohol, and I put myself in a bad position to get um raped. it took me almost a year to let it out, but once I did, I felt worse, because talking about it made me feel like I was reliving it. I was still very traumatized about what had happened to me. For months, I wasted time on trying to ignore it and pretend that it never happened, but the reality is that it will never go away, I just have to work towards recovering from it, and hope for the best. To this day, I feel guilty. I feel like it's all my fault because, you know, if I hadn't been drinking or using drugs, then I could've done more to stop him. I know- everyone tells me that just because I was using doesn't mean that I deserved to get raped, but they don't seem to understand how I really feel.. I've been doing a little better today, but sometimes I still do blame myself. After this event happened, I started drinking and using drugs nearly everyday.. On October 19, 2010, I had just turned 14 years old, & I got arrested for bringing 7 of my step mom's prescription pain pills to school. I was charged with a felony- distribution and also charged with possession charges. I finished a year of probation, drug treatment programs, and I promised myself that this wouldn't happen again. I disappointed my family, and that was the worst thing ever. I met this guy, while I was over at a friends house. He started talking to each other and eventually started dating. For the first maybe 4 or 5 months, our relationship was nearly perfect. He was nice to me, he treated me right, and well, we loved each other. Then I started noticing the verbal and emotional abuse. He was calling me all the time wondering where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. He was practically stalking me. He started telling me what to wear and what not to wear & who to hang out with. He isolated me from my friends, especially male friends, and sometimes my family. He always blamed me for everything, treated me like everything was my fault. After about a few months of name calling and such, he started getting violent. He hits me, kicks me, chokes me, slaps me, punches me, etc. He was very abusive towards me. In February, he beat me up because I wouldn't have sex with him. Left bruises all over me. One on the side of my face, two on my neck from where he was choking me, all over my arms where he pinned me down and forced me to have sex with him, and two huge bruises on my back from where he threw me off the back porch. In April, he strapped me down to my bed with a dog chain, forced me to have sex with him again for the 4th time, and then burned me with a curling iron 6 times. After this happened, I started having symptoms of something called Stockholm Syndrome, and also PTSD. Then last month he kicked me and stomped on me with his steel toed boots and broke 3 of my ribs and fractured two. No matter what- I don't feel safe in my own home. Paranoid that he is coming back at any time to hurt me, again. I just really don't know what to do anymore. And I just feel so alone in all this, like no one really understands what I'm going through. But I know you guys do, so I just need all the support that I could possibly get. Thank you for listening to my long story. I'm sorry I couldn't make it brief, just seems impossible to make something like this brief. I have lots more to say, but I'm afraid I won't ever finish this post. Anyways, well thanks for listening again. God Bless You all, hang in there, I know its hard, but keep trying. And what ever you do, please, don't give up.
(((hugs)))
Posted on 07/24/12, 03:25 pm