Rape Support Group

in a way i can relate.
i was abused for almost ten years, sexually and physically. and i crave sex, constantly, and in all honesty, it disgusts me at times. because there are times when i use it to fill a void, or just to cope with things. my boyfriend somewhat understands, but not completely. so he doesnt fully get why, after we sleep together, why i get so angry so quickly. do i make sense? message me and we can keep talking.

Just throwing out a thought. You were treated as a sexual being/object and you feel that is your only worth thus you need that attention otherwise you are nothing (being something and getting attention is better than not being and being ignored) and when someone rejects your sexual advances it makes you feel like they are rejecting you, maybe the only part of you that you've ever been valued for and that you value yourself for so it is the rejection of you not of one sexual act. Your whole self worth is wrapped up only in your sexuality?

The relationship between love, being loved, and sex is incredibly complicated. You can love without sex. You can have sex without love. You can have love overflows into sexual expression and creativity and thereby strengthens the love. And you can have love that would be destroyed if it ever turned sexual.

Sorting this all out cannot be reduced to rules. You need your whole self: intuition, reason, emotion, experience. Even without child abuse it takes time to figure out just how to put it all together

This is true *even if you come from a religious tradition with lots of rules*. The rules, at best, are just a shell that you have to fill with yourself, your feeling, your intuitions, your experiences. The path to doing that isn't always clean or straight, no matter what people say.

With child abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, the distinctions between love and sex are blurred and you have an extra layer of complexity to sort through.

Intuition is one of the most important tools you have in finding the right (for you) relationship between love and sex and it may be that it is the tool you least trust. Perhaps you were told to ignore your intuitions and see the world through the eyes of the person who abused you? Or perhaps somewhere inside you knew what was wrong, but you told yourself to ignore those intuitions so that the truth wouldn't hurt so much? These are just two ways you can start feeling stuck in your own behavior.

Do you have someone you trust whose views of love and sexuality (in your opinion) are really grounded? Perhaps talking over some of these things with him or her might help.

But ultimately other people's opinions or insights won't solve things, because it is your body and your intuition. Even more important is making it a priority to find/create a safe space where you can work out *for yourself* how you want this all to fit together.

If you can find the right therapist, therapy can help in two ways: first it can give you tools for creating that safe space. Second a therapist can be a sounding board that lets you test out new ideas and check if they are really grounded and growing out of the best healthiest parts of you.

Some people are very good at processing on their own. But sometimes when we feel bad about ourselves we spend so much time looking at the parts of ourselves we don't like that we forget about the rest. A hole can't exist without something solid and whole around it. Otherwise how could it be a hole? A therapist can help you see all the stuff around the hole and not just the hole itself.

Best, beth

Beth;
You offer some solid advice here and a coupled points that have become quite thought provoking for me.
I am a 53 y/o male and was molested when I was young and again as a teen as a form of malpracticed therapy for overcoming social phobias around females.

May I send you a message, or could you send me one so I won't take up space here ?

Thanx; Tom S. in Tn.

I'm not really comfortable with private conversations around this issue.

I wouldn't worry about "taking up space". When [babydoll192] shared her story ("took up space"), others gave advice and you benefited even though it was her question. In the same way, you'd be surprised how *your story* and the way people respond to it might help others.

But do be careful and share only what you feel comfortable sharing publicly. Your privacy here is only protected by your anonymity.

Unfortunately, the only way to get actual confidentiality is with a therapist. I know you have some very good reasons for being afraid of therapy, but private therapy would be a good option if you need genuine confidentiality. There is an excellent chapter on choosing a therapist safely in Matt Attkinson's book Resurrection After Rape. You can find the website for the book at http://www.resurrectionafterrape.o... There is a link to a downloadable PDF on the chapter.

Best, beth

i know exactly what your talking about. but never forget even if u do run around naked noone should do anythng to you
i know what your going through i act oddly at times or dont act anything at all uif u knwo what i mean

Beth:
I can honor your concern with this issue and private conversations. But I couldn't care less about anonymity. That's why I use my real name, home state, and an actual pic of myself. I despise trying to hide, all the while being tracked by whomever.

You appeared to have a decent knowledge base (appeared sharper than the average DS posting bear), and that's why I chose to single you out for advice.

I'm going to follow your advice however and read for a while, but over on the intellectual board though. Man, do I ever need that for a change.

Thanx, and best regards; Tom S.

Thats not uncommon for children who are abused to grow up and have similar behavior to yours. You need to get some counseling, please, get some counseling. You worth so much more than having all these horrible things ruin something good that you have with what sounds like a wonderful man.
Another thing, I don't care if you stripped buck naked, gave the guy a lap dance, and fondled him in the process, no means no. In no way was it caused by you. period. end of story. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. good luck.