What is Rape
Rape is, in most jurisdictions, a crime defined as sexual intercourse or penetration without valid consent by both parties. In many jurisdictions, the penetration of the anus or th...
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I'm trying to help, but I'm not sure what to do...
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I'm kind of out of place here, I've had uncomfortable situations but I'm not sure if they'd be considered rape, and if they were... I shouldn't have put myself in that position.
Anyway, my boyfriend of 6 months, Dave, is the most amazing person I've ever met, but he comes with a past that is difficult for me to understand. His ex-girlfriend was raped last year (after they'd broken up), it was a horrific story, a man broke into her house and raped her and her roommate. My heart goes out to her even though we've never met, but after the attack she clung to Dave with grips that I find hard to comprehend. For 5 months she wouldn't let him leave her alone, he was her guardian at all times, he let her move into his room and he slept on the couch for 3 of those months. He was only able to go to class and the gym, that was his only time. He gave up his life to help her. I just realized today that what happened to her, happened to him too. I knew that it affected him and I tried my best to understand and be supportive. Lately, we've been having sex less and less, and finally I questioned him on it. In the beginning of our relationship he was uninhibited and confident. Now I'm lucky if I can even touch him. That's not to say he's not affectionate, he's cuddly and kissy and adorable, but he finally confessed today that he hates sex because now he sees it as a weapon and an expression of harm. I guess I'm wondering what I can do to help him through this and to help our relationship. I'm not pushing him and I will not rush him but I guess I need some perspective as to how I can help him deal with what he's been through. Any input would be much appreciated.. Posted on 10/31/09, 03:10 pm |
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Firstly 'I shouldn't have put myself in that position' stop telling yourself that if you were raped, whatever position you put yourself doesn't make it your fault and I am sure they are other people on here who did the same thing and probably a million more people who did the same thing and wern't raped and don't beat themselves up about thier behaviour.
in terms of your boyfriend it does sound like maybe hes been traumatised by the experience, I think often men try to play the protector so it can damage thier sense of self also when somebody they care about is raped. It sounds like you are supporting him as best you can and maybe this is causing you to get in touch with some difficult feelings yourself, I wonder if your boyfriend might benifit from counselling to fully explore the feelings he had about what happened and if this is bringing up stuff for you maybe counselling would help you as well, I also hope you can find some support here and as far as I'm concerned you are welcome here, 
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