What is Rape
Rape is, in most jurisdictions, a crime defined as sexual intercourse or penetration without valid consent by both parties. In many jurisdictions, the penetration of the anus or th...
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I hate sex.
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I was raped when I was 12 years old. I am now 19 and I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half now, and he moved in with me and my parents at 2 months. I told him up front that I didnt like sex and why and he seemed like he understood was okay with it, we had sex early on in the relationship not because I just really wanted to but I thought if I started having sex after about 2 years of not having sex that I would start wanting to again. I want to want to so bad.
Its starting to distroy my relationship, I used to feel 'forced' he doesnt force me to but I felt like I had to to keep him happy to keep him from cheating on me. I now dont even want to try, it has been over a month since we had sex and we have had many a argument of him just being fed up with me not wanting to have sex, he feels like its about it and that kills me. Its not about him. I cry every time I think about this and how its my fault, my mentaly screwed up self is whats ruining my relationship. I dont feel like he understand anymore, when we are having our arguments over us not having sex I will just cry and cry and end up laying on the bed going to sleep just crying as he plays his game. My aunt just had her trial for her rape case and that has really just hit a nerve inside of me and made my problems that much worse. I have tried taking female labido pills, I even bought some of that horny goat weed crap trying to wake up my libido. I do love him and thats why this is killing me so horribly. I feel like its not fair for him to be with someone who doesnt want to have sex. I know this is going to ruin our relationship and i NEED TO FIX THIS. Posted on 10/12/09, 01:10 am |
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You need to talk to him about all of this hun so he understands where your coming from 
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Hi there,
My first advice would be that you are 19, very young, and could probably make do without a boyfriend for a while. That being said, since you do care for him (and he cares for you) there should really be no need to be stressed out about sex. However, my wife, who has also been raped and has ptsd, sometimes uses KY Intense to get in the mood. So there's that, if you want it. I just sometimes think that we who have been raped put a lot of emphasis on sexual relations, get stressed out about it/them. I know I do -- I can be very demanding when it comes to sex. I think it has something to do with my wife's acceptance of my sexuality. Good luck, there are lots of people who are concerned for you (like me, for one)! 3030
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I had to write a reply to your post, as it sounds like I have been going through a similar thing.
I think there are a couple of issues here to consider. Firstly, it sounds like your boyfriend genuinely cares for you, and you care for him. He may not understand what you are going through and how it feels right now, and that is why he is getting so frustrated. He loves you and therefore wants this pain and anxiety you are feeling to disappear, and is frustrated by the fact that he cannot make this disappear for you. You need to talk to him as openly and honestly as you can about how you're feeling and why. The other thing that strikes me is that you were so young when you were raped. I was very young when I was raped too and I think there is a difference between being raped as a child and being raped as an adult (not that either one is better/worse - just different). When it happens that young, it is usually your first sexual experience, and therefore you have no frame of reference in which to put it into context. Though you know that sex is not always violent and abusive, you were not able to experience that first hand before being raped. And that has a huge impact on recovery. Sex was a huge thing for me - something that I never thought I would be able to enter into, let alone enjoy. It took me a long time (and I still have a way to go yet!) but it is possible to build on positive sexual experiences and begin to heal sexually. On advice from a therapist I started off with myself - just paying attention to my body at first and gradually building up to safe sexual touch. It's important to do whatever feels comfortable and not to push the boundaries too much or else you will want to retract and it'll only add to the negative experiences you already have. Go easy on yourself too! Recovering from such a horrible violation is not easy, it's hard work and we all stumble on the way. If it was easy, none of us would be here talking to each other and giving support!
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You two really need to talk. Make sure he understands how you feel. NOBODY is perfect, and we all go through our ups and downs, so if he cant understand that sex is hard for you right now, because of what you've been through, then he's the one with the problem. You are not what's destroying your relationship. Love is not sex. A realationship can survive without sex, but it WILL NOT survive with out love.
I really hope you guys work everything out. Good luck
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I know what you're going through. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now and need to take a step back. That's what I had to do.
At times I want to have sex, but I don't feel like engaging with a man. I used to have sex with my ex just to keep him happy. But in the end I felt more ashamed and conflicted. I realized I wasn't ready for a relationship. You are young, and there will be plenty more oppertunities for you. In one respect (assuming your boyfriend is young too)guys like to have sex and expected to get it when they are in a relationship. In no way am I saying you should have sex with him if you don't want to. Its alot to ask a guy to be with you but not have sex especially when he;s young. They just don't understand, they think girlfriend and sex go hand and hand. If he can't be considerate enough, then break it off.
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I understand completely as I too was raped at 12, but he has to understand you and if he doesn't then good bye to him. I realize it may be hard, but you will find the write man that will. When I was 18 (now am 26) I thought if I just give it to my boyfriend it will shut him up, but honestly it is not helping you much by doing that. A guy that understands you and takes your feelings into consideration is more important. You should never be pressured. Trust me on this one I am now married with a man that doesn't mind that I don't want to have sex at the moment and he has never cheated on me, so I know it is possible for you to find the same thing.
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I also want to reinforce the point that someone who is really right for you will understand your up and down feelings about sex. Despite what songs, movies, and even friends may say, no person has the right to demand sex from their partner in return for love.
Both love and sex need to be mutual when they are given, but they are not interchangable. You can not give love in exchange for sex or sex in exchange for love, because they are not the same thing. In the meantime, if you are comfortable with some level of physicality, but just not intercourse, perhaps you could explore alternate ways of giving each other pleasure and expressing affection. Beth
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