Rape Support Group

I have a hard time saying it too, but I think we both need to work on that one. It is what it is.
My advice is that if you plan to be with this man, you need to tell him what that triggered in you. If he can't respect you from this point on, kick his ass to the curb. If you really think he would have forced himself on you, that is really something to consider. It could be a sign of an abuser.
Good luck on this one. Not an easy thing.
Blessings,
Rosemary

@AsheCeci

I hope you don't mind if i sneak in here with my opinion. granted, a male opinion - however i have a considerate amount of history with my own sexual abuse.

i totally understand why you might be absolutely terrified of using the word r**e. and i understand why you feel as though you were the victim of such.

i don't know your history with sexual abuse and similar occurrences. if your experience is limited to this incident, i would beg you to strongly reconsider how the event was summed up and see how you might let it settle in your heart and your mind.

if you were my daughter, i would suggest you consider first of all knowing in your heart that this guys was a pure asshole and clearly inconsiderate and abusive. this comes with ignoring your repeated requests and behavior.

the thing i am most concerned wiht regarding your experience is how it will affect your self perception including all of the baggage that comes along with having been a vicitm of r**e.

it can be a long hard, hard road for many eyars to overcome, and in some instances the victim may never overcome the resulting emotional problems that come with such a shitty thing to happen.

i would encourage you to maybe think of it as the following:

abusive of your feelings
abusive of your boundaries
inexcusable and inconsiderate
attempted forceful violation of your body

i am not using the word r**e because of the hugely negative connotations. this is not to say i don't think you have a right to feel what you feel. you damn sure do. and he is clearly a motherf**ker for his actions.

i would hate to see you go through life wiht this horrible feeling that you were a victim of r**e. being a vitcim of anything is horrible and can have largely irreperable damage.

but i am suggesting that maybe you can look at things in a way that gives yourself permission to not have to live with the label of "r**e" victim.

maybe you were the vicim of being in a bad relationship wiht a real asshole who went WAY TOO FAR and you aren't going to stand for that sort of behavior. period.

toss him to the curb and embrace the empowerment you've gained by working through the issues, and being in charge of how you let people treat you.

please understand, i am not suggesting–again–that you don't deserve to have the feelings you have. but please don't do what might be unnecessary damage to your already fragile self-perception ( i am surmising here).

plus, not all men are bad. really. and it is often difficult for victims of r**e to reconcile this notion and ultimately never have the opportunity to enjoy a truly healthy relationship with a good man.

i think you are brave for even broaching the subject to seek input form others. yay!

i THINK the extension of the definition is different for each person.

for instance, the last person to r*pe me was my ex. during the middle of our relationship together til the very end he would do things to me when he didn't think i knew (ex. when he thought i was sleeping).

to me, i don't consider it r*pe because i didn't say "no" or stop pretending to be asleep to tell him "no" (i was too scared to cuz he already knew of my "past").

i ended up breaking up with him because of that (and for other reasons)...and he ended up "really" r*ping me. and that's what blew me away...

ANYWAY...(sorry, i feel like i'm making this all about me)...i'm assuming your bf doesn't know about your "past"...if that's the case, i think you should ask him WHY he would do something like that...ask him WHAT he was thinking as he was doing it. not in a lecturing type of way, but somewhat innocent.

after he explains (and i'm hoping that he TRULY was oblivious to your feelings of fear that night and was just trying to be playful), let him know how it made you feel. let him know that it ISN'T okay for him to behave that way...

and if he DOES know about your "past", what he did that night is just messed up. and i'd suggest re-thinking the whole relationship.

hope that helped...! message anytime!

OOH! let me just add...that if another person was telling me that she didn't speak up when he was during stuff to her (while she was pretending to be asleep), i would consider it r*pe...

it's hard to explain.

it's like, if you and i both got a B on a test and the reward was ice cream, i'd think i didn't deserve it, but you did. does that make sense? or did that come out wrong?

i don't know how to explain it. in this case, it wouldn't be the victim's fault even if she didn't say anything. but in my case, i feel it was my fault...sorry, i really don't know how to explain what i'm trying to say... =/

I think I understand what you're trying to say, Shai. We know what the rules & laws are, but we tend to set higher standards for ourselves. We tend to be our own harshest critics.

AshCeci, I would definitely consider dumping this guy. I mean, even if things didn't get far enough to call it r***, it sounds like "attempted r***" to me. He is someone who clearly does not understand your boundaries or respect your wishes. You deserve better than that.

Thank you all soo much for what you've said. I just wanted to add. That recently we were talking about "us" in general and he did know what he was doing. And he does know about my past. =/ He doesn't seem as great as he used to. I was so angry you know? Like after he told me he knew that he was forcing things. And on a side note, I've definitely been awoken by him touching me or whatever and just like pretended to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do.

This is so crazy. Thank you all again so much.

Deep down you know the answer......you deserve way way better than him - apologies I know he is your bf but I don't think you chose him for these traints. He deserves to be cast aside in the rubbish before he goes any further with his thoughts! By far not easy, but this part of the good fight! on healing I think xxx