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Advice:
How to handle an unsupportive husband
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I am two months pregnant with my first child and feeling like I am going through it alone. To my surprise my husband has been unhelpful, disconnected and seems overall uninterested with the pregnancy. His support is pretty basic- went to my first doctor's appointment with me.

Since I don't know what to expect from my first pregnancy and labor, I am afraid but I am reading pregnancy books and I want to sign up for classes. My husband doesn't think we need to go to any classes and he told me that I can go alone. I just feel like crap because he doesn't care at all that I want to attend classes.

I feel as though I am going to have to go through my pregnancy without a husband. It's as if all he expects to do through this whole experience is show up at the hospital and hold my hand.

I really don't know what to do and I feel like I am going to have to seek counseling soon because I am really depressed about this situation.

I'd appreciate any advice and hope that I can somehow find a way to work it out.
Posted on 02/04/11, 07:33 pm
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Reply #1 - 02/04/11  8:30pm
" I am so sorry your husband isn't being supportive because you definitely need his support. I don't know that I have any good advice, but I am wondering, how does he feel about the pregnancy? Is he scared or apprehensive about becoming a father? Assuming that he's not typically an insensitive jerk, my guess is that he has some underlying concern/fear/misgiving that he isn't being direct about. Or he's just completely clueless with what you are going through and what you need.

Please know that the ladies on this board are here to support you in any way that you need. I sure hope things improve for you. "
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Reply #2 - 02/05/11  1:38pm
" Hey UK,

I am so sorry your hubby isn't supportive. Mine is not either. I'm also two months along, due in September. Do you happen to be in CT? I am in the same boat as you, except this is my 3rd, 1st with this husband, and my youngest is 8, so it's been a really long time. I too am feeling all alone and unsupported. I am more than willing to be your support :) I know how badly we need it during this time.

Has he heard the heartbeat yet? I keep being told that he will change when he hears the heartbeat or sees the baby via ultrasound. I'm hoping so.
I'm here if you need to talk. :) "
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Reply #3 - 02/05/11  9:56pm
" hey there i am in the same boat as you, i am 5 months pregnant and my boyfriend is not there at all..... i have been through many arguments with him and he swears up and down that he will be there but i really dont think anything will change!! but on a lighter note when i got into my fourth month my hormones seemed to balance back out again and the baby started to kick...... when i sat back and thought about it, it was like i was ok that he is not there for now cause its just me and my baby kicking me in the gut every night before i go to sleep......... i hope that things turn out better for you!!! "
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Reply #4 - 02/06/11  3:41am
" i'm 3 months pregnant (13th week) and my husband is also not supportive at all. in fact, i read your post and feel even worse because my husband even refuses to go to doctor's appointments with me. i've had 3 ultra sounds so far, and he hasn't been to any of them. he says no one goes with the wife and i'm mistaken in thinking so. he says he's too busy and always late for office when he drops me at the clinic. whenever we talk about the baby, all he says is bad stuff like 'our life is over','we won't be able to go anywhere for vacations for a longggg time', and 'babies are the biggest responsibility in the entire universe'. he doesn't seem the least bit interested or excited about the baby. when i see his attitude, i wonder if dads like him even deserve the love they get from children, once they are born. anyway, if it makes you feel any better, at least your husband has been to the doctor's office with you. mine has better things to do like playing xbox, chatting with other women for hours online, and going early to work only on days when i have a doctor's appointment. "
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Reply #5 - 02/06/11  7:03am
" EDD-

Are you serious?! Other women? Bless you, I'm definitely not strong enough to handle that. My first husband began cheating on me when I was pregnant with my son. It didn't end well.

I am finding so much support in reading these posts from all of you. I am so thankful for each of you, because now I know I am not alone in this battle.

I don't know why men are this way, they should be involved, they should want to be. I am so dumbfounded at why they behave this way.

This is my husband's first baby. I guess I reverted to not knowing better, in hopes this would be exciting, supporting and loving. I thought things would be different. When they weren't, I panicked and here I am, all alone once again.

Thank God I have all of you. "
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Reply #6 - 02/06/11  8:54pm
" @Victoriajm

I hear ya gal. I also don't understand why some men are like that. we're married for 7 yrs, and we;re both in our 30s. so its not like we're teenagers or unmarried. but my husband still seems very uninterested in having a baby. he some times says things like, it'll be kool to have someone energetic to play with coz he says i'm so low energy & boring now. but thats about it, he seems least bothered most of the times. i don't feel like he has any feelings for the baby. he's only made this pregnancy difficult for me so far. its my 1st.
congrats on your pregnancy and i hope that you;re taking good care of your health as that would impact the baby. these men have no idea what they're doing. i can't understand why so many end up going to courts trying to get custody of kids once the kids are born and if a divorce happens. they sure don't seem to have any feelings about the babies during pregnancy. maybe because they cannot feel the baby like moms do. maybe they only develop feelings after child birth. maybe. i hope thats the case. anyway yea you're right that this forum is a blessing. specially for women like me, i can at least discuss all my concerns here. and thanks to you and all the other great girls here who always listen and try to help. wish you a very healthy and happy pregnancy :)

as for the 'other women'. my husband has always had lots of other women friends. after we got married, i found out that he was talking to some ex-galfriend for hours (on the night of our first anniversary)... then i found out they had been talking on the phone regularly during our engagement and after our marriage too.. ever since that day, i've found him talking regularly to many ex gfs and new friends as well. whenever he works in an office, he becomes friends with lots of women. he's a very charming guy and females love talking to him. i haven't found him physically cheating on me yet, i've never tried to find out either. but he had a few emotional affairs (told the gal he loves her and will marry her) i don't know what to do any more. i've given up trying to change him. i spent yrs trying to change him. he still keeps making new female friends where ever he goes. "
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Reply #7 - 02/06/11  9:00pm
" I am so sorry that you don't have the support from your hubby. That makes me sad:(

My husband has been wonderful but it really didn't "sink in" until I started to get a belly. Even though he had seen the ultrasounds.

Maybe he will come around and get on board! Fingers crossed for you, I really can't even begin to understand or comprehend how you feel. "
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Reply #8 - 02/06/11  10:15pm
" I can kind of relate. This is my third pregnancy with my husband. With our first one, we were both kind of young (25) and hadn't been together long (7 months). I was his first serious girlfriend. He was completely uninterested in the pregnancy. Oh, he went to the doctors' visits with me-because I forced him to. He didn't want to talk about the baby, though, and later told me that he knew our lives were going to change soon enough so he wanted to enjoy things as they were for as long as he could.

As soon as the baby was born, things got worse. Our son was demanding and a horrible sleeper. He was almost 6 months old before he slept more than 2 hours at a time. We fought constantly and were exhausted, depressed, and lonely. Nobody tells you that the birth of a newborn is one of the most stressful times in your life. We thought that we would be excited, feel like a family, and that once the discomforts of pregnancy were over we could have fun bonding with our new baby. We knew nothing about sleep deprivation, depression, and anxiety that comes with having an infant. (Or can come, I should say.)

But then, things got better. We communicated better and he is a great father now. We've been married 5 years.

The second pregnancy was horrible. I had hyperemesis and was completely shut off and isolated from my friends. I spent 9 months holed up in the house, only getting out to go to the doctor. My husband worked 2 jobs and when he was home took care of our son. he would literally being me up plates of food and something to drink and then run downstairs again to be with him. My physical needs were being met, but it was a very lonely pregnancy because I had no emotional support. We later read that a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out that she is pregnant but that a man doesn't become a father until he holds his child. I believe that with my husband.

Our second child was a dream. He slept well, never cried, and because we knew more of what to expect we had none of that anxiety or depression that we had with our first. Unfortunately, he passed away 6 weeks later from SIDS.

Now, we are pregnant again. This time, I have hyperemesis again but I am being more demanding about having my emotional needs met. I communicate with my husband every day and I just flat out tell him what I need (a shoulder to cry, on a hug, a cuddle, conversation, etc.). We are both terrified over this baby being born because of what happened the last time so I understand that sometimes his lack of support might come from his own fear. Sometimes, even I wish that I wasn't pregnant and that we weren't having another one because I am so afraid.

Anyway, I agree with the others that unless he is just a jerk this might be coming from someplace else. Perhaps he is afraid of shortcomings, his life changing, or just not knowing what to do. It's important, though, not to suffer in silence. Complaining to your friends and family might make you feel better for awhile (it did me!) but talking with your husband and letting him know what you need will be more helpful in the end. I wish I had done that more the first time. "

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