What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the person experiences as h...
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What's the matta...aren't I sick ENOUGH for you?!
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FAIR WARNING TO SENSITIVE MEMBERS. This post is intended for the purpose of venting and contains vulgar language.
I've experienced a problem with certain individuals who--knowing of the relevancy of triggers in my history--have deliberately relied upon them (for some unknown reason) to antagonize. These antagonists, who are presumably contending with some feelings of inferiority or insecurity in relation to me, are seemingly relying upon the triggers in connection with trauma in my history (serving as a form of emotional weaponry) to intimidate, undermine, provoke, confuse, cause emotional outburst, or inflict insult; which apparently causes them to experience a sense of power and control in relation to me--causing me to feel "small" and "victimized" in relation to them. Isn't it bad ENOUGH that I have had to endure the traumas AND a lifetime of consequences; but add to this SECONDARY VICTIMIZATION by those who then USE stimulus in connection with the traumas against me as weaponry?! I feel like asking these individuals... WHAT'S THE MATTER "fuck faces," AREN'T I SICK "ENOUGH" FOR YOU?! OR IS IT THAT YOU FEEL SO SMALL IN RELATION TO ME THAT YOU'VE GOT TO RE-VICTIMIZE ME THIS WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BIGGER AND BETTER IN RELATION TO ME?!!! And, HOW IS IT THAT YOUR RELYING ON TRIGGERS IN CONNECTION WITH THE TRAUMA IN MY HISTORY TO REDUCE ME IN CONSCIENCE (AN INVISIBLE WEAPON!) MAKES "YOU" ANY DIFFERENT THAN A DAMN FUCKING RAPIST?!!! Posted on 10/24/09, 11:10 pm |
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Because the stimulus is subjective to traumas in my history, not only are the emotional attacks COVERT and easy to confuse as unintentional, therefore I am at risk of appearing paranoid or nuts trying to defend myself...so it renders me all the more helpless and defenseless.
I have THREE incidents of trauma in my history. The affect is therefore compounded. I also know that, as a result of the proverbial pounding that I have already endured, my sensitivities are super heightened; but I do not and will not doubt myself. I HAVE experienced this as harassment! It's all come back to me this evening. Add to this, intense scrutiny as well (often by the same individuals who are antagonizing). Tell me that's fair?! To give me a proverbial beating only to turn around and scrutinize me?! I am sorry for anyone else who may have experienced similar phenomenon. It's too bad that some people just cannot feel good about themselves without making others feel inferior, helpless, injured or small! That this is the way some define POWER! And they tell me that I'm the one with all the "ISSUES"!!! I want to scream!!! 
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FACT! If these individuals would have just BACKED OFF, I would have been much more advanced in my healing process!!! Not to mention my life goals, which have all been delayed as a consequence (relationships, career, etc.)
My condition has been complicated by re-traumatization/re-victimization! If they were REALLY interested in my "being well," (which is the underlying premise) how the FUCK does antagonizing me HELP?! Oh! But that takes fucking ROCKET SCIENCE!!! I STILL want to scream! Damn it!!!
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I'm. Going to go pick my fucking nose now!
LOL PS, I'm one foul-mouthed bitch tonight.
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"Mucus happens," therefore I must pick my nose.
LOL
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I know how you feel but I can't say I'm going to go pick my nose now
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Please i mean NO offense, but your vent reminds me of that cartoon character that's really smart with the huge glasses, or how "The Brain" in "Pinky and the Brain" used to talk...is cute and smart...
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On another note what you're describing is a very interesting, i saw how it unfolded exactly as your saying, when i saw one of my sisters not too long ago.
My sister's husband likes latin girls a lot, i met my girlfriend who's a realy pretty girl from Venezuela and she met my sister. After we left from meeting my girl friend, my sister was very quiet and all of a sudden blurted a verbal attack on ME, belittling me, covertly though, but basically saying she was better than me because she had a college degree..... So SHE felt intimidayed by my very good looking girlfriend, because she's exactly what her husband likes, so she felt "small" and decided to feel better she would make ME feel "smaller" by putting me down for not having a colllege degree............ She did that putting down to make herself feel better ALL our life... This time i saw it.What neanderthal coping skills those are, but people have all the time.
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First off, I do apologize (sincerely) for my crudeness. There's no excuse. I am convinced that it's a hysterical reaction to the overwhelming stress and supplies some form of release.
And well, I'm experiencing triggering here on this board too, lately...so much so that I have decided to withdrawal my participation; however may find cause to hop on and vent from time-to-time. I appreciate the supportive responses. Generally, there's nothing that I can do except to continue to follow the advise from authorities who I have consulted with--as well as the suggestions by several counselors. Not so surprising perhaps, but ironically, some of these individuals also pose as having so much "class" and "decency." I'm sorry that some of you, too, have experienced similar behavior. "Neanderthal" is a good word for it. I can't believe it! I trust the authorities and several of the counselors who I have spoken with. It's no different than a physical beating. In this case, you just don't see the wounds. I'm off the board again. Too many triggers; but do appreciate the sincerity and kindness of of your responses. Thank you.
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Phlox,
First (and it's not because we're "friends" here) we all NEED to vent sometimes, and sometimes that venting involves profanity. You did good to warn, you also very much did good to vent and go ahead and let the words fly as you needed to. That having been said, you've been here long enough to know that this happens to many, maybe even most, of us. There's something about learning triggers that some people cannot resist. One of my big coping skills that I learned at least 25 years before I started therapy (or indeed knew I have CPTSD) was that I am more important to me than the people who choose to trigger me. I don't care if they're family or friends... that may get them a second chance but that's all. If they continue, they're gone from my life. Problem I've got right now is the "get over it" attitude and especially the words, are a trigger for me the last couple of years... and how many times do we hear THAT! ;-) Hang in there, D.
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Waving excitedly to brassai : )
Hi, and thanks for your gentle and understanding response; as well as offering a helpful tip as to how you handle similar situations. I appreciate it. I often feel badly after I use profanity, or the crude comments I sometimes make (although some still make me laugh). Sometimes I cannot believe what comes out of me!!! The profanity is not very lady-like of course; and yet I know we need a safe PLACE to vent, and I have found this venue to be helpful in that regard. One of my therapists trained me with an effective tool to "putting the anger, etc. in a box." I have an assortment of boxes analogious for this purpose. Thanks again for your supportive encouragement. I hope you are safe, well, and good. IT'5 NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
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