Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Support Group

In my mind I see the little girl that I was not even six years old, trapped. I had no where to run no physical place I could retreat to hide while a walking nightmare of my abuser noisily moving in the house where I was left alone for the next eight hours, took his time getting to me. I had no where else left to go,so I retreated into the far reaches of my mind to hide, it left me freeze-framed in my physical world a helpless wisp of a skinny little girl hiding obviously behind a door, a chair, and sometimes underneath a pile of unwashed clothes.
Yes I know what it means to feel unsafe. Even years later a young woman who still cowards deep in anxiety when I find myself suddenly alone in the house. I still feel the urge to go not just go but to GO! Immediately urgently leave flying out of the place before 'he' can get inside the house and began the terrorizing end of the world abusive hell, I had to endure day after agnonizing day for over a year.
I learned to retreat into my mind. I learned my mind is a vast jungle full of wonder, splendor, with huge powerful trees whose canopys reach towering into the heavens where clouds sail and the sun waves sparkling diamonds all around me. In my mind I often watched as a darkness fueled by someone elses will drives all the color from a lush green world suddenly dark with sounds of a beast that with unerring certainty sought to tear my soul and flesh apart. I watch unable to move as this tropical oasis I built inside my inner world plants shake and limbs part with the rush of a predator hell bent on his pleasure in the wake of my destruction.
In my worst termors truth is reveals that it is my own voice screaming in pain born in sighs of pleasure. What does a child know of sensual pleasure? I assure you a child knows nothing. Nothing at all. What an adult takes for granted easily cultivating the 'Oh' of love all a child's underdeveloped body experiences is a unnerving ache of a sensation that threatens to tear a physical sensation up thru nervous system like my skeleton ripped inside out! A child by physical desigh can know nothing of love and sexual abuse is not love!!!
Yet I run, no where to hide I retreat into the world of my mind and hope the illusion of safety becomes real. For a while it does. Mental blocks are a blessing to those who have them, a curse for those who don't.
Often times I wish I had the luxury of not remembering, I long for the time when the nightmares came and upon waking, I could no longer recall what it was that terrified me sweating and trembling waking suddenly with a scream trailing my lips.
Still I say I declare my best safest place after all the hiding places were found out, my mind is best. When I am afraid to this day I retreat to the safety of my inner world. I've had years to grow and perfect it. My inner world is vast it is a galaxy full of star systems some alien and strange, some as famliar as my own skin when it tingles at a breeze in fall, or the rain in summer.
When you have no place else to hide go there, in your mind you are master, you are lord and no perpatrator has the key even if you with your conscious mind try to give it them. This is work GOd has done, he has given us power when all our power has failed. Even many of those in a coma wake describing another life lived and that one not in vain.
My mind is still a strong tower, I rightly enter it and am saved.
sjaypetwo
Posted on 07/04/09, 03:07 am