Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Support Group

Need someone to make your filthy trash look good?

Let's get phloxinsox!

She'll do it. She'll do anything!

I am going to log off and cry now.

Poster girl for social justice!

I never signed up for that job, but am compelled again and and again and again to serve political and social justice representation.

A political whore!

I pray that God knows, but I also know that religion (people) can be exploitive in religion, too this way.

I pray each and every day for God's help.

If I am going to be used as a political whore...

If the representation sought is aimed at serving the broader population, then how can "I" make it meaningful?

When I was subjected to other efforts to prostitute me (physically), I responded by letting my body stink...in an effort to discourage the interest, to make it less desirable.

Parallel to this, my identity is also exploited. I try to avoid it by staying out of the systems that have exploited it. I try to keep a low profile. I try like hell to find work...most of all. And if and when forced into a circumstance of sheer desperation (faced with the street), which also seems to be a leveraging force, I try to ensure only that it happen within a more private environment.
I don't understand why...it happens so much with me!

I am not the brightest star in the sky, but I'm not dumb, I have PTSD, yes, and I am affected...but I try so hard always to be congenial and polite. I'm not that hard to get along with and I'm not that offensive. I have also worked my ass off. I am educated and have skills. The fact that this has happened so much in my life is perplexing to me. I don't understand it. It just doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't add up.

I am really venting tonight. I pushed myself again today and let things fester and brew.

Kapsha,

I did stay with a minister and his wife and family for about seven months while looking for work in that community. In exchange for a room and the use of their computer and phone, I...

•Volunteered at the food shelf,
•Volunteered at the parish school (grading papers, collecting money for fundraisers, volunteer coordinator, helped the secretary, and helped clean),
•Cleaned the families dishes every day,
•Did a thorough cleaning of their house each week (including laundry and ironing for a family of five),
•I organized closets,
•I raked the yard,
•I helped prepare for, bake goodies, and clean up for two very large parties (100 people each),
•I helped (substantially) with a large fundraiser,
•I did administrative work (proofreading and editing documents),
•I helped move furniture
•I helped clean someone else's house and an office.

I offered the help as an expression of my gratitude because I was in a shelter and was feeling threatened in the shelter. I was very grateful for having a room when I had no place else to go in a VERY big and nice home by people who were of my faith community, who trusted me completely. But things got sour. I didn't have the sense that they really intended to ever be supportive. I began to feel like a "slave," too, and was also experiencing a very sharp distancing from them. I remained polite through and until the very last day. I remember when they asked me to leave they said, "Don't put us on a guilt trip." Anticipating that I was going to lash out. I submitted to serving them as a gesture of my gratitude. I am still grateful, and yet I felt humilated and rejected.

I eventually found one very part-time and temporary job there, but not enough to sustain me. And they had to ask me to leave after I could not find work there...so I checked into a hotel in another city where I lived another chapter of hell.

It is possible to do maid service in exchange for a room, but unfortunately in that situation...I don't think they really wanted to support me in finding work or staying in that community (either). Even though it was not their place to do so, they criticized me because of the separation with my biological family. I was feeling punished.

My biggest problem is (it seems) in finding people who are sincerely interested in supporting me. But, you get into a community where you are an outsider among long-stablished residents, and chances are you'll get the driggs. They are, of course, interested in serving their own before they'd serve a stranger or outsider. No-matter how good the references are (in this case, it was a priest).

I carry a lot of bitterness about many things.

Would I do it again?
When one's safety and security is threatened and/or they are faced with the street, one considers doing things they might not ordinarily be willing to do.

i've been where you are and im so close to being there again....sadly though i have no more ideas that could help either of us.

things will get better though..they have to right??

Thanks to those who offered understanding and support.

The process of looking for work is so complicated. It truly is a full time job. I do overtime with it. And there are triggers in the process that set me back. I have a good tool kit, but sometimes I just can't do it anymore.
I pushed through this morning and as a consequence, scheduled an interview. I am forever thankful to those within my support system...many of which are strangers (you here, the telephone counselors). I am exhausted and the triggers challenge me on so many different levels--most of all my feelings of self worth and self confidence, but know I have to continue.

An interview isn't a job offer, but I am thankful and will do my very best to boost my self condidence in the week prior to it...as I also continue this painful marathon.

It is important to say "thank you," so I offer my thanks to each of you who are present here to me in this way, who understand the complexities of PTSD in every aspect of our lives and how hard all of this is.