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Hi Everyone,

I find myself typing my thoughts and then immediately erasing what I typed. It is very difficult to find the words to explain where I am on my journey. It seems like I know what I have to do, but yet I get overwhelmed with what seems like a mountain that I have to climb. I have thought for years that I could keep to myself what has happened to me in my life because that is how I was raised. I know that that is not the greatest way of handling things now, but I find it difficult to break the silence that I was sworn to so many years ago. I was diagnosed with PTSD in October and while its nice to have a name to what it is I am experiencing, I also feel embarrassed that I can't just handle this on my own.

I have always had to be the strong one within my family and is such a feeling of weakness to admit that I need to ask for support (logically I know its not, but I feel that it is). My fears, lack of sleep and nightmares are taking a toll on not only myself but my marriage as well. Just when I thought things were settling down, things seem to fire back up with a vengence. I guess I feel stuck sometimes and wonder when I will feel safe again. I do see a therapist but the process sometimes seems daunting and tiring although I do know that it is what I need to do and why I have stuck with it. The one thing that I do that seems to help in the moment is writing and poetry.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings

Posted on 04/22/13, 10:47 pm
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Reminder: This is a support group for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.

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Reply #1 - 04/22/13  11:20pm
" Welcome, Tulip. Those feelings are pretty common. I don't believe PTSD discriminates... glad you have a therapist, and seeking help is a strength, it's a sign of courage.
Nice to 'meet' you. There's good support and info here.. "
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Reply #2 - 04/23/13  8:43am
" Welcome, Holly. May you find the courage to heal here.

In my circles, those secretive habits are a dominant trait. I had to move 1800 miles from my birth family to find a healing path. My psychobabble is still to close to home for their taste. My husband's family is even worse. Perfection is their malady.

I don't keep my therapy a secret, but I don't talk about it with them, either. My therapy network is alive, open and undeclared in their line of sight. Not hidden. Just undeclared. Folks in denial will generally hide what is in plain sight for you. Just plant a Christmas tree in the elephant's back.

That sense of climbing a mountain sure describes my feelings of it. I stay focused on just finding the next hand hold or the next foot hold.

Small steps. You just took a solid step by making this post. I suggest you take some time to congratulate yourself. Good job. "
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Reply #3 - 04/23/13  10:30am
" yes I can relate to you of being the strong one all the time when I know good and well I am hiding alot of my vulnerabilites in action mannerism or tone it is hard to be vulnerable you might get hurt my thoughts are with you on your journey "
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Reply #4 - 04/23/13  10:31am
" not sure people choose to become victims but alot of the rescuer types in my family have that feeling "
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Reply #5 - 04/23/13  10:34am
" I believe the trauma bonds of family of origin many times set us back over and over I had to completely separate myself from the traumatic family chaos in order to heal, they are not bad they are traumatized but we are no good for each other in a wounded state we were all abused , I feel I am loving them by taking care of myself I still love my family of origin and miss them esp as we are all growing older but I am taking responsibility for myself for today ONE day at a time,, "
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Reply #6 - 04/23/13  2:16pm
" That feeling of trying to climb a mountain to overcome PTSD, I get that all the time.

Welcome to our group. Your writing sounds like a great tool for you. What you cannot say to others, you can write in a private journal and help gain understanding.

There are many techniques for dealing pragmatically with common symptoms associated with PTSD (hyper-vigilance, triggers, flashbacks, panic) as they are occurring. We share what we have learned, and what appears to work. So ask away, if something is bothering you in particular....

Here you never have to feel embarrassed for needing help with a condition that is not your fault. We are all in the same boat trying to grow and heal. "
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Reply #7 - 04/23/13  8:03pm
" You are welcome here. I was always the strong one in my family, too. Good thoughts to you. "
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Reply #8 - 04/25/13  11:21am
" Thank you to everyone that responded, its nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

Holly "
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Reply #9 - 04/26/13  9:42pm
" The fact that you've found writing and poetry helpful is just awesome. Great for venting, great for insights. Glad you're here. "

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