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I've Hit a Wall
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I've hit a wall,figuratively speaking. I have so much pent-up anger that so am just scared of what I can do to myself or others. I think about this complex ptsd and its just that: it's too damn fucking complex for me right now! I don't think I have ever cursed as much to myself as I have these last two years. Its like damn this shit, wth? I just keep having this image of an angry God and it makes me spin. In my own head, I know God is not angry at me, but somewhere deep down inside of me: I just feel that all the things we go through is unfair and he's partially to blame. We don't ask for these circumstances, we don't wish it on our own enemies.

Psalm 77 comes to mind. check it out if you want. I don't know the spirit of gentleness. I don't know what its like to be gentle on myself. I don't know what its like to not feel ashamed for doing what's right for me or speaking up for myself. My past shouldn't affect my being and my living, but it has... and that's the hard truth for me to accept...
Posted on 10/05/12, 01:59 am
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Reminder: This is a support group for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.

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Reply #11 - 10/12/12  12:09am
" FindingKat,

I've been thinking about you. I like how you took the time to respond person by person--thanks for including me. You wrote to me, "Gentleness is not a gift given to everyone; it is made. For people like us who dont know the spirit of gentleness, it is a fight everyday." Well said. Keep up the fight. I'm in your corner like you've been in mine. "
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Reply #12 - 10/12/12  12:18am
" CC, thank you. Most of these responses were long. I wanted to reach out. I haven't had a lot of ppl, think of me and i don't want to mean to sound wrong or needy. Its been a rough couple of days.... "
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Reply #13 - 10/12/12  9:42am
" This is a great and wonderful thread. I want to thank you for writing it.

I have some major PTSD issues and all that I can say is that I literally have to work through them. I came to work today crying quite violently, but I went and put cold water on my face and I am stronger than I was.

My signature red face was there when I was on the elevator and some indians looked at me. I once told one of them that I had listened to the Gita. I know that I am rajistic (angry) and that I follow many passions. I am having to re-schedule an appointment with the doctor for the fourth time because my husband says that there isn't money.

I have had a lot of sexual abuse as a child and have had many bad relationships, bad marriages, bad miscarriages, etc. and my life is currently a living hell, but I am learning this-

If you can cry it out and then compose yourself and go about your business, you get stronger. Actually, the ones who cry aren't really weak, they just don't realize how strong they are.

That's my two cents. Hi. I'm 4myson744/ "
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Reply #14 - 10/12/12  9:46am
" Music also helps. It provides feedback and it doesn't cost anything. You get a whole bunch of music burned on your work computer and just listen all day long as you work. It blocks out other idiots and it keeps you focused on your job.

I don't know what types of therapy deal with PTSD because my therapists have never dealt much with my PTSD, except one long ago. I don't know if DBT is added to the picture for the PSTD and C-PTSD.

Somehow, I've got the Norah Jones one a loop so that it plays over and over--the "Peace" song-"Peace is for everyone." I love it.

As for antipsychotics, I am sure that they work, but I don't like them. Currnelty, I am on mood stabilizers, klonapin and I sometimes use Benadryl.

Work with your therapist about maybe doing some excersizes that can clarify your issues.

Let me read the psalm 77. "
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Reply #15 - 10/12/12  9:49am
" 2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.

Yes, I felt exactly this way this morning. My husband has thyroid issues and has some breathing or respitory infection and he won't do anything about it and then the house is falling apart and it seems so disorganized that it is getting beyond my ability to clean it.

All that I can say is to do put one foot in front of the other. If you can afford seeing a therapist twice a week, then do it.

Uhm...let me see........God...........

I guess that God is with us in the storm but I believe that God set up a system and bad things still happen.......that's all that I can really "grock" of that, although I have been pretty religious as of late........... "
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Reply #16 - 10/12/12  10:29am
" This is a great thread.
I was raised as a Baptist till I was 15, church 3times a week NO MATTER WHAT. Raised by the Sword... This created an enormous spiritual issue for me. It's taken years of 'unlearning', and still am very conflicted spiritually.
I still consider myself a Christian, who believes in a higher being that I call God. I believe in heaven and hell, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and in Satan, or the evil power constantly at war in our consciouses. I believe we're all praying to the same God. I believe it's all about faith, and I wonder if, if you truly believe you go 6feet under after you die and that's it, then maybe that's exactly what it'll be for you.
I have had a few miracles in my life, where God has directly touched mine and my family's life. I've felt His hand and seen His power.
My issue of late has been: the conflicting powers are equally strong for me, and I can't tell whose voice is whose. People have said I should read the Bible and it'll show me the way, but really!? Just pick through!? We all read things differently at different points in our lives, and the Bible is very much open to interpretation. I feel the Bible is divinely touched for sure, but through the years likely not as originally intended or appropriate to the world we now live in. I also can't conceptualize why God allows these horrific things to happen, and feel it's unfair to just get to trust that there's a reason for everything and that this is what he planned for our life. What I DO know, is that I am more fulfilled as a person if actively trying to keep a close relationship with God. It helps my lonliness, it gives me an ear who'll listen and hear my worries, and it's become a good avenue for me to express my concerns to my kids. I know its somewhat selfish, but when I pray with my daughters before bed I can say things that I'd likely not otherwise say to them, through prayer. It's strengthening our realtionships, lets me get my apologies as a mother out, lets me express my concerns for them, and lets me further praise who they are in a subtle way. Despite my frustrations and suspicions, I choose to believe that He has a plan whether I like it or not, and it's up to me whether or not to follow it. And the only way I know how to tell if I'm on it or not, is if my life is falling into place or not. If I keep (which I am) bumping into the brick wall, chances are I'm not on track (which I'm not). Psalms 32:8 has been my verse for past month, "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go." I'm going to read Chapter 77 now... "
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Reply #17 - 10/12/12  10:46pm
" Since my dad was a fraudulent faith healer as a missionary evangelist fleecing believers overseas, I grew up with a thick layer of spiritual abuse overlaid on top of my home's physical and sexual abuse, too.

So I'm always happy to see fellow PTSD survivors who are still willing to try to discern something useful and real about God. Thanks for putting yourselves out there, everybody. In spite of all, I'm a believer, having lost my faith and gaining it back again inch by inch. Being real and keeping it simple has always helped me around God matter. Blessings. "

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