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Not a friend of the dark
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The night before, I had memories come back into my head about my childhood. I remembered the abuse between my brother and my sister. I thought, " why did he do that to her? why her?"
Those were during my teenage years.My brother was really strung out on the streets, doing weed. and just being the complete rebellion. I remember being at the front row seat of everything= always a spectator, never a mediator. It made me think, " why me? why now?" This started out, really in 2010, escalated immensely in 2011. and pretty much collapsed in 2012( our relationship). This is the aftermath of the relationships with my immediate fam... completely burned out. I dont know about you but there are some nights where I can just sit down and cry. I look in the mirror and I just see the tiredness, the life gone out in my eyes. I see how thin my hair is, how it's falling out. and I feel like... I should just become bald, for how thin it has become. I repeat to myself this verse: " For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life" ( John 3:16) I know change doesnt come easy. PTSD lurks around and makes my nights a living hell. It's like my body is prepared for the nighttime to come; stays awake, even when I drink a sleepytime tea and read the Word. People say" you need to do this and you need to do that". I know what religion is- that's not what I am seeking. I am seeking a real relationship with the Lord and this...monster that we have to tame...takes the best of us and we can't give it all to God. People who have traumas and hurt- they can't see past what they feel. God wants us to have a whole, complete life in Him. And I though I came to the steps of the Lord just over two months ago( reconcilation), this aint about feeling. It's not about happiness. It's the wholeness that we seek that makes us lead to the happiness we so desperately want. God knows we can't function. He knows we can't perform things as we used to. The happiness of others makes us cringe inside. Sorry for this long story. My depression kicks in strong at the night and morning time... does anybody understand what I feel? Posted on 08/19/12, 01:27 am |
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Yes, I do!
Romans 8 in The Message makes it so clear - His love casts out fear . . .but it goes on to say the fear is of His judgment. Which, makes me have to face do I believe my extreme financial situation is His judgment? Do I believe this PTSD is His judgment? I read in a book that God lets us get in an absolute mess (like Jonah in the fish's belly and Jonah, getting the plant to shade him then a worm eating the plant) to show us we're trying to control our lives and not trusting Him. So, I don't know what else to do. I thought I believed God really loved me - He's done so much for me. He's gotten me through this far. He's spoken to me. But, do I really BELIEVE He loves me? Or is the unworthiness sabotaging my believing He does love me? His Word says He withholds no good thing, that every good gift comes from Him, ask and you shall receive, that He supplies all my needs according to His riches in glory . . . I'm trying to believe. I asked Him to help me to trust. I asked Him to give me a revelation of His love. I'm trying to relax and lean on Him. Praise - it's all I know to do - praise Him anyways. 
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And, I think about - they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they will mount up with wings of eagles; they will walk and not be weary, they will run and not faint. I will WAIT upon Him!
And, I can rest in the shelter of His wing . . and I remember laying in bed last night and feeling as if a giant feathered wing was covering me. Just now, I thought - so much fear! And, I said, NO! SO MUCH PEACE! then I said SO MUCH PROVISION!
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I have light phobia where you have dark phobia. The uneven, shadowy light of the electric nights turns me into a prisoner of the indoors where random security lights are not constantly jabbing my eyes.
But when we reduce the electric lights and their shadowy offspring to simple phobias, the common factor becomes a trigger which causes individual withdrawal and isolation. My baby raping daddy was a total light lover. Brighter is better.
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Wow! I find so much comfort in this website than what I have found in ppl.
dbpalm- I agree with the Word and your point of view. I didn't know or didn't think about judgment that way. When you put it into those terms, it makes me think about PTSD that way. Most of the times, if not almost always, we are doing so. I question God: if He loves us so much, why then does he let us fall into these messy and sticky situations? Sometimes, the mess does not come directly from us, but it is created around us? I love the way you put the Word. That is a beautiful image. " For God has not punished us as our sins deserve... For as far as the east is from the west, so great has he removed our sins...As high as the skies are above the Earth, so great is his love for us". Arfie- I have never been a friend of the dark, ever since a child. Its now where I REALLY am not a friend of the dark.The last incident happened in my room and the lights were off... i associate the dark with trauma, if that makes sense. You confused me a bit with your phobia.You say your baby raping daddy was a " total light lover" but then you say,brighter is better when you are not a friend of the bright lights... enlighten me a bit.
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I will never know, but I suspect my father was totally night blind. He LOVED his electric lights. He would throw fits if my mother bought low wattage bulbs.
Never raped his children in the dark. His blinding flood of light in the night always announced his intent. Unwilling children could avoid him by tracking his lights and shadows. The brighter the light the deeper the shadow.
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I have night phobia also. If there are visitors at my house after dark I am ok but when everyone leaves I am here alone and it scares me. The dark outside the windows remains keeping me on edge throughout the night till light comes in the morning. Most of my trauma has occured at night,going way back to when my siblings and I were very young forced to stay in the basement bedroom with adjoining very dark rooms, we were allowed no night lights.I have night lights and porch lights but it is small relief. I believe in God that he provides comfort if not for that I would be much worse off.
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I have night phobia also. If there are visitors at my house after dark I am ok but when everyone leaves I am here alone and it scares me. The dark outside the windows remains keeping me on edge throughout the night till light comes in the morning. Most of my trauma has occured at night,going way back to when my siblings and I were very young forced to stay in the basement bedroom with adjoining very dark rooms, we were allowed no night lights.I have night lights and porch lights but it is small relief. I believe in God that he provides comfort if not for that I would be much worse off.
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I have night phobia also. If there are visitors at my house after dark I am ok but when everyone leaves I am here alone and it scares me. The dark outside the windows remains keeping me on edge throughout the night till light comes in the morning. Most of my trauma has occured at night,going way back to when my siblings and I were very young forced to stay in the basement bedroom with adjoining very dark rooms, we were allowed no night lights.I have night lights and porch lights but it is small relief. I believe in God that he provides comfort if not for that I would be much worse off.
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I have night phobia also. If there are visitors at my house after dark I am ok but when everyone leaves I am here alone and it scares me. The dark outside the windows remains keeping me on edge throughout the night till light comes in the morning. Most of my trauma has occured at night,going way back to when my siblings and I were very young forced to stay in the basement bedroom with adjoining very dark rooms, we were allowed no night lights.I have night lights and porch lights but it is small relief. I believe in God that he provides comfort if not for that I would be much worse off.
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I have night phobia also. If there are visitors at my house after dark I am ok but when everyone leaves I am here alone and it scares me. The dark outside the windows remains keeping me on edge throughout the night till light comes in the morning. Most of my trauma has occured at night,going way back to when my siblings and I were very young forced to stay in the basement bedroom with adjoining very dark rooms, we were allowed no night lights.I have night lights and porch lights but it is small relief. I believe in God that he provides comfort if not for that I would be much worse off.
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