Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

EMDR is an unusual event when you first begin. I began to talk about an abusive memorie than my therapist would start the EMDR to keep me in the present so I would not live the PTSD.

With only a few memories it did not work . The memories were deep wounds I never realy delt with before. The EMDR could not keep me in the persent.

However, most of the time it did work and to this day I still use the method (when I can remeber) and it still works.

They usually tell you to go to a safe place. That was a problem for me at the time because there was no place that I felt safe in.

I hope you have a good experience and have someone who can deal with flash backs and DID.

like most regressive therapies, EMDR will dredge up memories and feeling that our brains blank out. it is difficult, but very much worth it in the long run.

Chipsy, My T uses the hand sensors too. She says its so you can close your eyes and concentrate better on whatever your supposed to be thinking about. I have trouble staying present, so until I get better coping skills we haven't really used EMDR much. Its awesome on headaches and emotions.

Thank-you for all the replies.
I have confidence in my T. She is very knowledgeable and uses more than one technique. She also uses Imago and a lot of analogies and metaphors which I really like (although I dont always know what the connection or similarities are until after I leave). I like that she gives me something to think about in between sessions. My T is a social work prof. as well as works in a medical office and sounds like she has a lot of experience working with trauma and torture (she has seen people from war-torn countries, etc.)...
I have basically been keeping the conversation to day-to-day living and what brought me to see her. A lot of attachment stuff thus far and not really any memories from the past. Its not really a matter of not trusting her ability to help - I think it is more a trust issue with myself as I have been fairly good at isolating myself so others do not see the flashbacks...or me have them, rather...
I was having flashbacks once in her office but only to the point where I froze and became speechless...stuck... I think she recognized it and got me to stand up and push against the wall. It was the first time anyone knew to get me moving as becoming statue-like was physically painful. Oddly, pushing on the wall worked to release the tension... it was helpful.

I was asked to think of a safe place a few weeks ago and like you Jessica, Im having difficulty thinking of one...

MojoPaw, that is what I am wondering about... so memories you have blocked out or cant quite remember details of or just have a familiar or gut feeling about - are you saying these become more clear? If they do, how do you remain seated as to not to react or freak out or get totally overwhelmed? That is the part that I am most skeptical about but willing to give it an honest shot as I have tried everything else. I have tried everything else.

Schims, how do you mean it is awesome on emotions? I almost feel like I need to know how I am going to experience it before I experience it - if that makes sense. I was told we would start with a dinner table scenario..meaning that would be my first thing I imagine myself at. At present I cant really think of anything that was traumatic other than the regular dysfunctional family dinner of arguing, etc... so I am good with starting there.... I have difficulty closing my eyes in front of people - like when Im doing a visualization or guided imagery, Im the only one with my eyes open... I think I would be willing to work on that part if it makes the process work better though... It will be a big challenge but I suppose I have to start somewhere.

Thanks everyone. I think it is time I start taking steps to making my life better as difficult and scary as that might be. There is no way to work through the memories without remembering them in front of someone (that I know about) I have avoided dealing with all of this for so long and it seriously impacts my life to the point of isolating myself from everyone and everything. Im tired of being alone.

I am eager to try it yet scared at the same time. all these questions is just a way to figure out what to expect, somewhat.

Thank-you for sharing your experiences with me. I have googled this and I keep reading the same over an over - its all of your experiences that I find most helpful though. :)

I have a ton of experience doing emdr. Years before I had woken up with a body memory at a treatment facility after doing emdr one time. I became very overwhelmed and suicidal and I did not do emdr after that. It's been 12 years since then and I started doing emdr with my current therapist. I told her about my last experience and she said that it was right that I was stopped from doing it at the time. She said everyone has a tolerance for things and that if people are not able to do it without decompensating, then you don't do it. With her I started with the memory that had come up. I used head phone beeps and hand sensors. You are supposed to have bilateral stimulation. In any case, I did not try to imagine myself anywhere, I just thought of the memory I had and let my mind go where it wanted to. I can't say that it wasn't traumatic to have these memories become clearer and more real as it was traumatic, but doing the emdr is meant to lessen the trauma you feel compared to when you first felt it. Sometimes I would start the next time where I left off the last time, but I usually started thinking about something and my mind would go off in all sorts of directions. The thing that it kept coming back to was usually what I needed to concentrate. it took a lot to get myself to do so, but I trusted my therapist to know what she was doing and that I was in a safe place. She recommended using anti-anxiety meds at one point and they helped for particularly rough sessions. I'd take them and go to sleep. Sometimes I'd go kill time looking around a store or something just so I didn't go home till I had calmed down. After a while of knowing what to expect afterwards, I ended up using the pills less often as I knew I could handle it. And as much as I dreaded what would come up, I was very motivated to do it and get finished so I could move on. i didn't know how much i had held in, but my therapist knew that it would be freeing in the end and I have become more able to be with people and take more risks.

I don't cry in front of people either but I will get weepy sometimes. It took me years to where I could do that. You feel what you feel and I still haven't matched up my feelings with what happened. I think if you trust your therapist a lot, then you will let yourself express your emotions with her/him. I still haven't ever sobbed and I rarely ever cry alone. There was a period while I was doing the emdr that I would shake a lot but i talked to my therapist about it and it seemed somehow okay. I think every person's experience with emdr is different. Just one session at a time and don't think ahead. Anticipation is always worse than the real thing I think. Feel free to send me messages if you want.

You can use eye movements, beeps or hand sensors for the bilateral stimulation. And it's not necessary to close your eyes. Once the stimulation starts the connections will flow and it's not important to close your eyes at all. If you have trouble staying in the present, it's better to keep them open. Also, if you can't find a safe place, you can choose another state like calm or courageous.

I suggest you read the book Getting Past Your Past by the originator of the therapy (Shapiro). You get an overview of the therapy plus techniques you can use immediately. The techniques also help in between sessions. It's a new book with the latest information in it.

Thank-you for your replies Reese and Stella.
It is good to know that I dont have to close my eyes for it as I think that was one thing that was getting in my way of doing it. The main thing is fear of the unknown. Not only how I will react to the EMDR but also what am I going to learn about what happened to me. I know I blocked out a lot of it and I also know that my brain is trying to tell me some things as it keeps coming up over and over again. I can draw my own conclusions but it doesnt feel real and I wonder if I have an overactive imagination sometimes...

I think my T starts with imagining yourself at the dinner table with all new people. I think she does that to ease us into it instead of jumping right into a traumatic memory. It is strange that I spent a lifetime avoiding and denying what happened and now all of a sudden I need to give all that up. I agree that doing the work will likely be freeing and will allow me to take more risks and associate with people. I know I avoid people or cut them out of my life because of attachment issues or fear of being hurt or because I tend to meet a lot of abusive people.

Stella - was the worst part after you left your session or during the session? I tend to deal with things on my own - it somehow seems less complicated to me the majority of the time. My biggest fear isnt about what things will be like once I have left as I have been dealing with flashbacks (to the point of thinking I am right back there - the room changes, sensations...all of that). My fear is doing that IN my therapists office and it seems strange to me that holding something in my hands will prevent that from happening... although I have never tried it so its simply that; a fear.
At any rate, my T is waiting for me to say Im ready to do EMDR. She was waiting for me last week and I completely avoided it by taking a piece of paper in with a nightmare written on it. We processed that instead. When I left, I said lets do EMDR next time, and she responded by saying she was ready to do it with me today.

It is really strange to me that I in a way I want my T to see my feelings matched up to what happened - sort of being a witness (because nobody was helpful at the time) yet at the same time I am so fearful of that happening. I imagine if that were to happen, she would be really helpful and maybe it is a control thing on my part. It is interesting you mention "courageous" Reese because she gave me a list of resources (a lot of positive words) and that was the one I choose. She does however bring up the concept of a safe place although I havent told her that I dont have one - just that we havent worked on that yet.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I did read the book "EMDR" by Shapiro, which I found really hopeful. I will get the book - Thanks :)

Chipsy,
For me, it did take a lot of courage and a genuine desire to get to where I would feel better. I had not had many memories before doing emdr, so what came up was beyond horrible. My therapist would ask me each session whether I wanted to do emdr. I told her that I was never going to want to do it, but that I was willing. When I needed a break I skipped it. Or if I needed to talk about something else. I had seen my therapist for years before we started the emdr, but doing it made me feel closer to her in some ways. I was uncomfortable with her seeing me have any reaction at all, but if I was going to do the emdr I had to take the risk. I had more body memories than feelings. I think that at the beginning, I didn't know what to expect. My T did start with trying to have me visualize something to get started but my mind went immediately to the last memory I had from when I had tried emdr before. She also tried to get me to have a safe place at the end. I never did find a safe place, but I got to where I could deal with what came up.

At the beginning I'd have memories and I could tell around what age I had been when specific things happened. After a while, we discovered that the body memories came when I was younger, even maybe pre-verbal. Later I had more memories that I didn't have so many body memories. I think my therapist suggested I close my eyes and at first I was nervous about doing that, but later it became more natural to do that. I could focus on my memories more. I didn't try to stay in the present as I was having memories of the past. It never occurred to me to do so. I could tell when we started each time that my mind was going in all different directions but that I could tell where I kept coming back to. That's really when there was a chance to make a decision as to whether I would continue to think about it. There will definitely times that I could tell that I didn't really want to see what was coming and that's where courage comes in. It was rare for me back off, but I could definitely tell when I was resistant and if I couldn't get past that bit then I would tell my T that I knew I was avoiding something.

In any case, it seemed that for along time when we did the emdr, I would be kind of numb and in shock after we stopped and I needed time to talk about what had come up that session. Sometimes I'd feel the body memories for hours afterwards and found that really scary. Mostly it was while I told my T what happened that I might start feeling something. It took a really long time to where I could identify that I was feeling sad or numb or whatever. When I was talking about something that really upset me sometimes I did not want to leave as I did not want to feel alone with the thoughts. That's when I started taking Klonipin. I only took .5 milligrams, but it would put me to sleep for a while and I usually felt more like I could make it after that. I only took them PRN. I didn't use it as much as I should have, but it wouldn't occur to me how anxious I felt sometimes until hours later or the next day or something.

For me, if I was going to feel weepy or something I wanted to be with my therapist as when I'd leave I'd shut myself down. I was scared to have feelings on my own. Even in my therapist's office, I didn't show much and still don't cry when I need to. i don't get angry at all.

I think I had to trust my therapist an awful lot because I could do the emdr, because I have to believe her when she said it would help in the long term and also that she would validate what I was saying. We spent plenty of time talking about whether I was just imagining things or whether the memories were real.

I think you just have to go for it. If you find that you can't do it, you can always stop. If you can only do it for a short time, then that's what you do and build your way up. I don't think you can tell ahead of time what is going to come up or how you will react to it.

haha... that is funny because that is what I have said about therapy in general. Do I WANT to do it...nope - is it a necessity to alleviate?.. absolutely! Its like asking if you want your tooth extracted because it is impacted.

My therapist has also told me that if I need to stop that I raise my hand or something similar. She has told me a few times that safety is of utmost importance. I have been seeing my therapist for 3 months but I had seen a therapist before for several years and then her husband died and I didnt have much (if any) closure. I did learn a lot and she did help me - it just ended badly. I do trust that my current therapist knows what she is doing and I think she is very insightful and can help me make connections as to why I do what I do, etc.
When I was younger, I had my eardrum punctured. I remember that and I remember rolling around the floor in pain because of it. When you speak of body memories, does that mean I will feel that pain again? I remember telling her about my ear briefly (she didnt want the details of it) but I noticed afterwards, it wasnt painful but my ear clicked annoyingly for several days (like the norse code). I know there is a medical explanation as to why (similar to when your ear pops at high altitude/ the tube in the ear isnt closing/opening as it should).. I just found it really coincidental that right after I told her it started. It wasnt painful. Im not sure if I have body memories although I do have a lot of unexplained medical problems that I wonder about.

I guess I had better just try EMDR and see what happens. I do feel a little more courageous having talked about it. I was seriously disappointed in myself last appointment as I psyched myself up to telling her we would be doing it that day and last minute I chickened out. 2 nights I barely slept thinking about it. It is strange because I was almost eager to try it and then last minute bailed.
How did it make you feel closer to her? I read somewhere (probably the emdr reviews) that someone felt more disconnected to their therapist. I guess each individual is different.

I guess you are right about just having to go for it. That is my goal for Wednesday. The part that makes me want to do it is I am told all the time about how much potential I have, makes me sad that people say that to me in a way because I know what happened is stopping me from being all that I can be. I know this to be true. The theory behind EMDR makes sense to me. That is blocks you ..

okay. I will walk in on Wednesday and tell her that "today we will be doing EMDR."

Good for you Chipsy. In terms of how it made me feel closer to my therapist, it was because I revealed so much stuff that came up for me, couldn't really help it, I had to say the stuff, and she had a great deal of compassion for me. At first I was embarresed to say when happened, but I was also so numb that it didn't matter. But it took quite a long time for me to make eye contact with her when i told her what the memories were. It's funny, I got to know that it wasn't my fault that stuff had happened to me. Once time I had a really hard time telling my therapist about having thoughts about wanting to be sexual. It took me quite a while to tell her my thoughts and I was so embarrassed. She laughed at me like that was absurd and said after all the stuff that I had told her happened in the memories, being embarrassed to tell her about my thoughts of initiating stuff was so much more mild. It was kind of funny, but this was something I was initiating so under my control. My T validated what was coming up and and also my concerns about what was real and not and how to deal with the memories and lots of other stuff. I think I learned to trust my T much more because what I was sharing with her was so intense and she was so on my side and rooting for me. She also told me that she had done emdr with many people, but not for as long as with me and that I was the worst in everyone she had ever dealt with. She was always telling me how courageous I was with sticking to doing the emdr even knowing that it would be awful. She said that with people who've experienced what I have, very often they develop multiple personalities, but that she had seen no sign of that in me. She said that showed a lot for how strong I was, and I imagine also for how much I'd held in and functioned to one degree or another.