Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

My Sweety and I had words tonight, heavy sigh, I feel numb from the after effects of being triggered. I am also angry and frustrated because the reason things got heated had very little to do with the relationship and everything to do with both of us being triggered by the situation. I am grateful that at least I can feel these feelings and understand what is happening to me when I do get triggered and can at least recognize that what I am feeling is disproportionate to the situation at hand. Sadly this sometimes doesn’t help how my body and psyche react to the situation or the fact that my partner has not come to terms with his own issues and triggers also doesn't help matters much..

My body is preparing for a physical attack, (logically I know I am not in danger but I have been in danger in the past in a similar situation, I know I am feeling the fear of the past situation) and my mind is trying to cover my fear with rage. He resorts to yelling and then I start….stupid, stupid, stupid. I went for a walk to reset.

I am not a problem when someone inspires my anger. Me angry usually consists of, “I am angry, this is why. I feel that when…” When someone frightens me, however, I used to get really scary. Mostly in the things that came out of my mouth but I was known to get aggressive when drunk or high. Now I just vibrate and hope I don’t explode and say something I can’t take back. So far so good, that way at least. Can you imagine what a monster I was in the throws of my addictions? Brrrr, Muphasa!

I have given up on trying to figure out the things that are going to trigger me, there are too many things that set up the fight or flight response with me to keep track of. Once I understood the workings of my Complex Post Traumatic Stress it became more important to me to identify that I was triggered than what got me going.

There are so many layers of shit and abuse that I am recovering from, some inflicted upon me as a child, a lot inflicted on myself in my efforts to cope with what happened as a child and kept happening to me as a teen and right into adulthood. I made a lot of bad choices based on faulty information I had about who I was and what was my place in the world. Since I can remember I have always faired better with strangers than people who said they loved me. It seemed when people got to knowing me I would flip out and push them away or cause them to run screaming.

It no longer matters to me who did what to whom when I was growing up. Now it’s about undoing the damage and understanding in what ways my life, my thinking and my view of the world has been tainted by being the battered physically and mentally most of my life. Today I try not to react to my first impression of most situations because I know my perception is faulty at times and I may just be reacting to an echo from my past superimposed on my present. I do, however, stay ever watchful. I am the rabbit ever watchfull for the fox.

When I feel the “fight or flight” response coming upon me for no apparent reason I do not immediately go to an anger response anymore. My way of dealing with my life on life’s terms may not work for everyone else but for me knowing what’s happening to me has been a life changing thing. AND turns out I am just as nutty as most people, no more than that, no less than that.

You are not alone :)
Posted on 06/15/12, 01:15 pm