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What caused your PTSD?
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Hi all. I'm fairly new around here. I was just wondering if you know what event/chain of events caused your PTSD?
I'm pretty sure mine was a combo of my life's unfortunate events...death of my parents/brother all before I was 8 years old....being molested/raped for 13 years by my step-dad...severe emotional/mental abuse....but what I think really sent me over the edge was witnessing (and keeping secret) the murder of my step-mom when I was 13. I sometimes wonder how I ever survived all I've been through. I've learned that my D.I.D. (splitting into alternate personalities) allowed my mind to remain safe from most of what was happening to me. I still have flashbacks....but most of the time when I "see" the events of my life it's more like watching an old movie over again. Like...I know I've seen it before...but it was someone else that it happened to.
If anyone cares to share..I'd be happy to hear your story.
Posted on 02/04/11, 09:58 am
40 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Reply
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Reply #1 - 02/04/11  12:40pm
" Mine was caused by being raised in a dysfunctional environment from the day of my birth. Parents who were only children themselves and unable to care properly for their own emotional needs, let alone mine. A Mother who, for some reason, unleashed pain anger and rage on what ever victim lay in her path. Discovering at a very early age the only way of survival was detachment of my whole person and developing behaviours which revolved around protection rather then growth. Learning how to cope without emotionally processing the trauma of everyday life.
Causing my PTSD was the easy part. Realizing I was unable to cope in this world as an adult and not having the skills to understand why or how to heal has been the difficult part. Like a ball of knotted string, the knots much easier made then released and the kinks which take time to iron out. I am very sorry you too have endured so much pain and suffering by the hands of others. Take time unravelling all your hurt and take comfort in knowing it can be done. There is nothing more they can do to us that has not already been done. There is nothing more painful then what we have already been victim too. It is the inability to find the path back to the once whole person we were that keeps us here. Follow each matted piece with all the love you deserve. Nurture every kink with love and patience, knowing beneath our fear is a gift so precious we chose to safely lock it away from all the pain this world could hold. Reunite what is rightfully yours and take glory their actions could not destroy your soul. We have not endured in vain. My thoughts are with you.
Audra "
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Reply #2 - 02/04/11  1:37pm
" I think it was my frist marrage That statred it.I wrote some in my journal your welcome to read not all of it is there warning it migth trigger you .I have been threw lots .hugs minnie "
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Reply #3 - 02/04/11  2:55pm
" had several traumas in my life. so there has been a culmination of events. but what broke me to finally be dx with ptsd. violent sexual attack at 23y.o. that dug up some nasty stuff. "
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Reply #4 - 02/04/11  5:52pm
" I'm so sorry for what all of you have gone through.

Mine started as a child, growing up with a powerful abusive dad as he was a homicide detective, so there was no one to go to for help. He knew attorneys, judges, and even his co-workers and bosses have a "brotherhood" that won't be broken. No sexual abuse that I remember, but plenty of criticism, raging outburts and we never knew when, but it was often.

Years later, I thought I'd married a good boy, but he traumatized me by taking me to an X-rated movie. It upset me severely as there was violent rape, murder, etc.

I divorced and married a man who I THOUGHT just had some issues, bt nothing I couldn't fix to discover he's a pedophile. We were married almost 20 years when I found out. I wasn't in love with him when I found out, but I was still moritifed that something like that happened under my roof w/out my knowledge.

At 19, I was stalked by a rapist. He was finally caught. He died about six months ago from natural causes.

I also worked for the poilce department and saw a lot there.

At the age of 49, my mom became paralyzed. My dad threatened to kill her and then himself. He divorced her after I gt her out of his house and moved her in with me. She lived with me for 13 years. When she died at the young age of 68, I thought I was going to die too. My dad shot and killed himself 3 mos later to the day, but I haven't grieved him because we were not close. At least he didn't take my mom out like he'd threatened as she lived with me for 13 years.

To my horror, I found out my sister has a serious gambling addiction. When I tried to talk w/her, she turned on me and she had serious marital problems. I tried to help both, but they both turned on me. Never will I try to help a married couple again to see the other's point of view, so I've lost my sister too. Part of that is my fault too because I did take some pics of our mom to make copies and couldn't get anyone else to make them, so I put myself in debt to get a printer, scanner. Am almost done w/her scrapbook w/those pics, but she has the same attitude as my dad; not the abusive kind, but vindictive. She's even flirted w/every man I've ever dated...well, almost all. The last one was the clincher as I really cared for him. No, he didn't flirt back, but the fact that she's my sister really hurt me deeply.

Then, I broke it off with that same man. That's not all. ALL my furniture, even my mom's was stolen out of my storage unit...everything I owned except my clothes and some cookbooks, and my computer were gone...everything. Now, I can identify with those who have had their homes burned or flooded and all those sentimental things gone. Thankfully, my daughter had all the photos and videos. The thing is, I know who did it and he's a powerful politician. He hired two men to chop the locks off and let it all go. His brother was storing everything for free. I'm not sure I have a case because I wasn't paying anything but he didn't call me to tell me. I found out AFTER the fact. There was over $30,000 worth in there not to mention $10,000 worth of a hospital bill for me being treated for PTSD.

To top it off, my daughter with whom I'd always been VERY close turned on me after he pathetic pedophile daddy did a number on her and filled her head trying to make her think he was innocent.

I've learned that I'm her "trigger" and yes, it makes me angry with HIM all over again.

I'm trying to channel this mess into something posiive and am writing a book about it at the encouragement of my attorney, my English professor, family and friends.

Many of you have been through soo much worse. Like my mom always said, "You can always look around you and see someone who has it worse." "
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Reply #5 - 02/05/11  11:12am
" Got robbed at gunpoint. Two masked men back in April of 2010. "
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Reply #6 - 02/05/11  11:32am
" Years of physical child abuse, then I got put into a Christian school :( "
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Reply #7 - 02/06/11  1:10am
" When I was 12, my mother wasn't interested in parenting me, and I had switched schools and wittnessed a friends death. Then, at age 14, I was raped to lose my virginity. After a string of abusive relationships and no mother to go to for support and comfort, my self-injury took a violent turn for the worse and I was hospitalized for a month. The icing on the cake was seeing that the young man across the hall in the adolescent unit was the same one who had raped me. "
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Reply #8 - 02/06/11  10:29am
" I know mine started when I was a young child. I was the oldest of five, and the only girl. My mom had 5 kids in 8 years, plus 2 miscarriages. My dad was a truck driver and worked long hours. I always felt I had to protect my mom when he would explode on her, even though she was the one to get him that way. All the fighting and screaming and hitting did something to me. It got to where I could feel a fight was gonna happen. I do believe my problems started from there. It changed who I really am. You can't watch your brothers get beat with a belt and be okay. It doesn't work like that. "
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Reply #9 - 02/06/11  10:33am
" so sorry to hear everyone's stories as we have all been through some serious traumas. my abuse began as a toddler (cant remember b4 that). my father physically,mentally,emotionally and sexually abused me. my mother turned a blind eye and often blamed me for things she did only to get me beaten again. my brothers were taught that i was the scapegoat. someone to blame and hurt for everyone's frustration. my brother tried to kill me 3 times,my life was all about their abuse/frustrations. im 53 on the 25th of this month and am finally getting my life together. i have two kids who live far away and have little to no time for me. i know they love me but they have no interest in my mental illness or my recovery. course they now have busy lives of their own so i do understand. but know this there is Light at the end of the tunnel. you can get better and have a life. not just exist and LIVE. keep working towards better days!!! my prayers are with y'all!! peace "
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Reply #10 - 02/06/11  10:33am
" Wow, your story is very sad. What horrible events to endure.

I was born into a family with an abusive, alcoholic father who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is a big military guy and he liked to beat me. He also hit my mother, but never my younger sister. My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. I was always being punished for anything my parents could come up with. A lot of times they'd resort to making something up, just to have a reason to punish me. I was a really good kid who never got into trouble, made good grades, started working at 12 yrs old, never experimented w/ drugs or alcohol. To this day, at 30 yrs old, I've never drank, smoked, or done drugs. But to them I was this horrible misfit who needed to be punished. My sister could get away w/ far worse than I could ever imagine doing. She was never once punished in her entire childhood. Not even as much as being grounded. So i grew up always wondering why I was unlovable and not good enough. I was suicidal before the age of 10 and made several attempts throughout childhood. I lived in constant fear of when my dad would go on a rampage next. I did everything I could to stay out of the house as much as possible. At 14 I was working 2 jobs and going to school. As soon as I turned 18 I moved out and 1000 miles away to where my extended family lives, before I even finished HS. It was then that it started to become apparent that my parents were screwed up for a reason. My extended family has issues too and the abuse/control and alcoholism issues can be seen throughout my family and for multiple generations. I was never accepted into my family and never treated the way everyone else in the family is. I'm constantly picked on, criticized, verbally attacked, etc.

At 18 I entered into my 1st relationship which lasted almost 8 yrs. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But I thought that since he never hit me like my dad, that it wasn't that bad. He was extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive, and passive aggressive. He was a con artist who had conned people (including me) out of 10s of thousands of dollars. He would find ways to manipulate everyone into giving him what he wanted, whether it be food, sex, a free place to stay, car parts, toys, or money. Anything he wanted. He destroyed my perfect credit and completely used me the entire time. He also cheated multiple times.

I finally left him but then fell prey to a psychopath/convicted felon/registered sex offender. This is when everything really took a turn for the worse. He stalked me for over a year, had a shrine of pics of me, was completely obsessed with me, bought a gun and was probably going to commit a murder/suicide since he couldn't have me. He was completely insane and took stalking to a whole new level. I bought a new car and house and moved, hoping he wouldn't find me. I felt safe for a few months before he sent me an email saying he knew about my car and house and also that he had bought a jetski to stalk my by water as well as land (I was an avid jetskier at the time).

I decided to go to the federal police since I am a fed employee and part of his stalking/harassment was through my govt email. This is when everything got drastically worse. I was already on my breaking point by then. The officer I reported the stalker to was a pervert, sex addict, with severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He used his position to manipulate and take advantage of vulnerable women. He had a very long history of sex addiction and his 1st wife had tried to get him help for it and finally left him 20 yrs ago. He was almost twice my age. He immediately began touching me, in his federal office, after closing the door. Caressing me, touching me, trying to kiss me, etc. I was completely confused and was already a total wreck from the stalker. I just couldn't even believe this was my life. He got his way with me and then moved on to other victims. This was the worse thing I went through or seems to effect me the most. I could not report him, he repeatedly told me this, because I am afraid of what he'd do to me. He is very violent, off the charts crazy, abusive, and has over 200 guns. We worked in the same building during all this so I would see him around the building after this happened. I would have huge panic attacks and mental breakdowns. I'd be crying and shaking and have to leave work. I missed so much work. And I lived in total fear of seeing him. I'd avoid leaving my desk for any reason for fear of seeing him. He finally moved after a year of this hell, he transfered to another location, a whole new set of victims perhaps.

And also, like Marie, I've had almost every thing I owned stolen and had to start completely over again.

I've also been a victim of a psychopathic landlord who broke every landlord tenant law there is, including locking me out of my own house because she was mad at me, and then attempted to sue me for $5000 in court. She legally owed me thousands in MINIMUM restitution for the laws that were broken (which she admitted to) but the court decided not to uphold the law, and to instead reward her for her insane behavior and I had to pay her some more money, on top of what she had stolen from me already. It was completely illegal. I went to court expecting laws to be upheld and justice to prevail. It was a very traumatic experience and one that left me deathly afraid of court. Nobody could believe what happened. I then had to go back to the same court/judge when prosecuting the stalker which was extremely scary. This judge has a very bad rep in this city but is the only judge. The stalker, who had committed several 1st deg felonies (illegal possession of a gun, etc) as well as federal offenses which called for about a minimum of 10 yrs in prison, was sentenced to only probation. Again, nobody could believe the judgement. It's like this judge favors criminals over victims.

In short, I've attracted a lot of criminals, psychopaths, and narcissists my entire life because of my childhood/family. I am a walking victim and they can spot me a mile away. I am trying to change that but it is hard. I basically went through 18 yrs of "victim training camp" I call it. "

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