**Revised version...please note that I, for some reason, am posting this at 2am.**

Perhaps someone wiser then I can give me some advice. :)

I have had a mild/moderate form of PTSD for about 5 years now (since I was 16), and my biggest problem is emotional numbness. My symptoms (that and anxiety) usually flare up around the time of the month when the accident I witnessed occurred. I am very independent and hard to get to know, and even though I was not always this way, I accept that this is who I am and I adore the people in my life.

I currently am in my first real relationship I really want it to work and can see it going places. We have known each other for quite a while and I am close to him and his family. When I finally realized that I liked the guy, it was weird because I had so many emotionsand I liked it. It had been so long since I felt that way about someone and I felt like I finally reached that point where I was ready to pursue a relationship. For several months, I only told my best friend, afraid to let those feelings out and risk getting hurthowever, when he came home one weekend (he currently lives out of state for college), we discovered it was mutual and decided we wanted to start dating. We have been dating for several months now and it feels like I never experienced those feelings.

I know that I like him because I had such intense feeling about him beforeit just feels like I turned those feelings off, you know? And yes, I tend to turn off my emotions when I start getting close to someone. But I feel like I shouldnt feel this way because I trust him and he already knows me so its not like I am out of my comfort zone by trying to start a relationship with someone new.

Does that make sense? Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice, words of encouragement, or kinds word are appreciated!

How about older and more senile?

The first notion out of my senior gut is that the two are not related. You say the PTSD is on a monthly cycle. Why would that change just because another blessing found its way into your basket?

There are no constant feelings in the human repertoire. Emotions ebb and flow. I can love someone all the time, but if I felt it all the time, I would never experience anything else in the rich mosaic of life.

I have no knowledge here. That is just the first bubble out of my over-active gut. There are other names for intestinal bubbles...

What I do know for certain is that it is good to see you. Welcome aboard. May you find a healing touch here.

I put up a huge wall to protect myself when I get close to people. I am trying to learn that I do not have to do that, but I have to tell you, I have not been that successful. I do not feel safe when I am vulnerable and if the wall of numbness comes down, that is what happens. I do think it is possible to change this, I am just not there yet. It is great that you are in a relationship though! I am alone and it is not easy. I wish I had a relationship with someone I love and who loves me. My issues got in the way, and to be honest, I am not even sure I am capable of a relationship because of my PTSD, depression, and everything else that comes with that. I hope you can find a way to work past that numbness and allow someone to love you and allow yourself to actually feel it. Good luck!

Im far from a relationship guru, but here's my input. There's a few questions you might benefit from asking yourself here.

What else is going on in your life besides this relationship?

What about being so close to someone scares you?

Forgetting the specific person you are with for the moment, what would be ideal circumstances for that to change? And how can you adapt those ideas to your actual life?

See where Im going with this?

Being in love doesn't mean you will never be depressed again or your PTSD will disappear. If anything, try to be patient with yourself.

Welcome here- my only thought that relates is that when I cap down the anxious, angry, grieving sorts of feelings my other feelings (including positive ones) seem closed off too.

This may or may not have anything to do with what you are saying, but it sounds like you have very regular episodes of reexperiencing the truama, so I wonder if you feel like you regularly have to put a lid on your true feelings.

I respond to your description of your condition with empathy. We who have PTSD know this numbness as dissociating. It's something I've worked hard on, not only in therapy but in my hobbies pursuing films, literature, music on the subject. It's not just a PTSD problem but a human one, I found. The world is such that we all go numb from it from time and time and struggle to get our feelings back.

Where I've gone wrong is to confuse numb dissociating in relationships with being justifiably bored in relationships. At times, I've stayed in relationships that didn't inspire just because I didn't trust myself and my own gut instincts. Whenever I did that, I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have.

I don't say that out of arrogance. I know I've bored potential partners who've moved on as well. I know I bore some people her. I am probably boring someone right now right here. It's ok, if we're kind about it and rather than hurting anyone for not entertaining us, just move on. Nothing wrong with that.

Just an other person's view:

i too have the trust issue very much like yours- the closer I get to someone, the more fond I am of someone, the more my illogical hyper-vigilant self-protectiveness blossoms. In other words, trust is only an issue once I think I can..... ironic huh?

But it is what happens, and although it is mostly illogical it is something I have to consciously try and manage. Even w/ my own sons I have become this way. It is self-protective and ongoing.

For me the only way to deal with it is to A) just accept it, B) give myself rules about interacting w/ people, and C) to know it will not actually damage a relationship unless I were to deliberately act against my own best interests.

So knowing I have this issue has allowed me to figure out how to keep it on a leash and just let positive flow of activity take it's course.

Don't be too hard on yourself, trust issues are one of the most lingering aspects of PTSD even after the flashbacks etc, have been put to bed.

Best of luck.

I agree with HBE123 and letitbe.

In this particular moment of my life, trust has been one of my major symptoms/problems. Isolation is an easier coping mechanism when those you trusted the most hurt you. Lately, it's been very few I've seen support me and still are there for me.

Depression episodes have been rough for me lately. Its been horribly helpful to see how I am super-aare of my extreme lows, if that makes sense. Anyhow, going back to the trust, I am the type to shut down or become defensive if someone doesn't understand where I am coming from.

I don't think I am ready for a relationship with a personal partner. I don't think I can't give someone anything, meanwhile I have given all of me to my family. I made this a little personal. But, otherwise, trust issues and emotional numbness are very common for all of us who know ptsd. It's constant work to heal ourselves but i don't think others can see that.

*aware

Amen to what guayaba said about there not being any such thing as selective numbness. Wouldn't it be nice if there were? We deserve its protection from pain when we need it, like we deserve a shot from the dentist before drilling our teeth. But the price paid is that no dentist can only numb that one tooth alone, and so it is with our minds dissociating. At some point we have to let the numbness wear off and heal. It will be raw and feel tender at first.

The most extreme case of dissociating I ever heard of was probably about addiction too, though I'm no addiction counselor and couldn't say. But remember after Michael Jackson died we found out he'd had hospital anesthesia every night just to sleep? That's probably not how we all want to spend our lives.

Yeah, I basically agree with what the others have posted. Like Arfie, I have seen many people without PTSD go through exactly what you describe. But it could well be the PTSD is playing some kind of role too. The best advice I can give is: Trust Yourself.

The one thing I am wondering a little bit about the PTSD is I know for me it really confused me with some relationships because I used to think that TRUST = LOVE. I would find a guy that I really deeply trusted & then would want to date him because I so desperately wanted to be with someone trustworthy who could kinda play a protector role in my life. I would then be so disappointed when guys who made great friends & who I really trusted wouldn't work out.

I finally found someone who was just about the polar opposite of what I had been dating & while it took more time to build trust, the feelings of deep attraction remained. All he had to do was barely touch the side of my hand and it was like I couldn't even breathe. That feeling never went away. I realized I had been cheating myself up to that point by always equating trust with my vision of an ideal mate. For me, I had to keep those wonderful, trustworthy, protective guys around in my life as friends, and reach out to guys who were maybe a little bit more of an unknown or risk for my dates. That's not to say to go out & find an UNtrustworthy guy! Just that sometimes our PTSD might skew our values to seek something we needed in the past, more than what would be a good match for us in the present and future.

Hope that all makes sense!
G

i am facing something similar ... if you are on anti-depressants they can disrupt the "love neurotransmitters"/hormones so you feel blunted numb ... also may want to google "disassociation" perhaps? good luck!