Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hi rcr -----

Couple things, here:

Of COURSE it's hard to be alone (though being alone doesn't HAVE to mean being lonely).

But in my opinion, it's far, far better to be alone than to be abused.

Second . . . . . . no one HAS to be with anyone whose show of anger is intimidating or scary.

Someone who is together with us to love us, is not loving us by being scary and intimidating. If they are, we have every right to say: This isn't okay by me. I won't be in an intimate relationship which is by nature an open, vulnerable position, with someone who's scary.

When we feel scared of something or somebody, that's our inner knowing trying to protect and preserve us. It's worth paying attention to! Someone who's with you to be your loving, supportive partner, shouldn't be acting in a scary manner. People involved in a disagreement, even a heated one, don't have to be scary.

Alos ----- common interests don't make or break relationships. Abuse does.

Your friend has every right to do what's right for her.

But in my opinion, she gave you bad advice. If you felt scared in the relationship you left, then you did exactly the right thing by leaving.

Is being on one's own hard? Of course!!!!!!!

But that's the only position to be in, to be safe from abuse and be able to attempt to find a healthy, functional, happy relationship.

Best thoughts to you, rcr.

Of course, you'll feel regret now and then. But love yourself more than anyone who says they love you and then abuses you!!!!!!

In my opinion, you did the healthy thing. Best thoughts to you.

Ilene

Well, having been the emotional abuser in my marriage I can speak from my own experience. I couldn't change until I was properly diagnosed. Furthermore, I couldn't be properly diagnosed until we were at crisis point.

Once my ex decided it was over, then it was over. I'm proud of her for that. She said she had to leave because she had lost herself and needed to get healthy. I was toxic. She also said that she loved me but couldn't stay with me because she didn't trust me anymore. She didn't trust that even with my meds and therapy that I would change.

Based on what my therapist has said, my ex is probably right. The damage to me is great and I took it out on her. I thought she was crazy and demanding. When in fact I was the crazy one.

This has been the long winded way of saying you should feel validated. You also did the right thing by leaving the person who was abusing you. And its seems to me that its ok that you still love him, you just can't have an intimate relationship with him.

Good luck.

I suspect you are right when you say she is justifying her own thoughts. And I agree with others that it is hard being alone, especially with a child/children. I also know it's easier than being with him. She is obviously afraid (and aren't we all from time to time) that the abusive ex is "all there is" and that she can't expect to find anything better - and therefore nor can you.

I refuse to accept that. And if I'm wrong, if my abusive ex really IS the best there is out there for me? Well I'm happier by myself. I am never again going to settle for something that is not right, just because I don't want to be alone.

Take care of yourself, listen to what you know to be true, not what you suspect to be self justification.