Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

The harsh reality is that an abuser just doesn't care.
Your feelings mean nothing to them. You've endured this 15 years, and are coming to some realizations that your situation won't change. Most here will tell you, abusers just don't change.

I think it's a good start getting away from him with kids in tow, and going to your mother's. Do this while he's not there, and do not tell him of your plans. Bring anything important he can potentially trash, including important documents. Get as much cash as possible as well.
Once your at your mother's, contact your local DV shelter and let them know of your emotional and physical abuse. They can help you with permanent plans. Also ask about legal help and therapist recommendations.

It's up to you if you want 15 years to turn into 16, 20, 25, etc..., or if you feel strongly enough to put a stop to this NOW and help yourself and your children.
Best of luck!

Thank you Calm, I appreciate your words. You are right. I need to make the decision whether I want this crazy rollercoaster ride to end. I'm sick of being treated this way when I voice my feelings. He just wants a puppet, a yes person with no feelings.

I know many women often return but I feel very strongly about leaving. I'm ok with the fact that he makes 4 times as much money as I do, I'm ok with having to leave my nice home, I'm ok with the fact that I will be without him. The only reason I'm ok is because I'm strengthening my trust in God. He had brought me through this 15 year storm with all of my emotions intact (most of them). Nothing that can't be repaired.

I'm going to contact the shelter on Monday and try to get in for counseling. I really must go. He's not capable of giving me what I need. Again, thank you for caring.

I don't really have anything to add other than best of luck, stay strong and stay safe.

If he is refusing to help you with your car (as my ex did, same thing, same scenario, exc. I had one kid, not three), then what is the point of staying? I had to ask myself this question, and I came up with this.

If I stay, I will have this crappy car (mine had 175K miles), and him refusing to help me in anyway, and have to take his abuse, have no help, not just with the car but with anything else (including taking care of the house, paying the bills). What reason is there to stay?

If I leave, I will have the crappy car....for awhile, But I won't have his abuse, my son will have a safe place to go, I will only be cleaning up after myself and not him, and he can pay his own damn bills, and I'll pay mine.

I decided that if I left, everything would be pretty much the same, except I would not have his daily attacks driving me down.

The first days can be difficult, but personally, not as bad as staying with him. THAT was the most difficult. But once you have an atty, get some support, and start realigning things so that you are an equal, not his property....things will get better. A LOT better.

Hugs to you for your pain, and your struggle. We're here for you....

Thank you Livn...any words are good words, I appreciate them. :-)

Hockeymom, You are right. Crappy car but no abuse. That's what I want for my kids and I! I'm feeling stronger today. Feeling emotionally safer today. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thanks for your support and I look forward to connecting again. I'm so glad I found this board. :-)

You sound alot like me. I too, no matter how I show this man I've been with for many years how distressed I am or I'm just at the end of my rope and can't cope, I get nothing from him. He thinks I'm playing a game. I have no where to turn either. My family could give a rats ass, to put it bluntly. My mother also just thinks I should just not say too much, and avoid things.

I feel worthless and don't feel like there is much point in trying to do anything anymore. He thinks everyone else is right, I'm always wrong, doesn't care how it makes me feel, will watch me cry too and doesn't give a hoot. He has put me in humiliating situations and if he feels bad about it, you would never know. He just goes about his life like every day. And then he'll ask me what's wrong, like he just doesn't know.

I feel for you, I walk in your shoes. I don't think you can do too much, he is not going to change. You are lucky you have a mother that is there for you, I have no one. And my friends avoid me too, because of everything that has gone on. It is awful. It just makes you not want to go on anymore.

I'm not much help here, but if anything know that you are not alone in this. Good luck to you.

Joey your comment does help alot because like you mentioned, it reminds me that I'm not alone.

What abused people endure is so taxing on the spirit, the soul, the heart. What I've been working really hard on is self-care. I've been learning to care for myself and children (of course). Lots of affirmations, positive self talk.

I'm learning not to be so hard on myself, afterall, I've had a 15 year relationship with someone who has been trying to kick me down to nothing. I just take the simplest of things day by day. Even if you paint your nails, that is self care. Drinking enough water, eating right, trusting God, going for a short walk...all self care. It's something to be proud of. Where else will you get validation, kudos and kind words? :-)

I'm sorry that you don't get the support that you deserve from your family and friends. Alot of times families are in a big sea of denial. It's easier for them to just pretend like a loved one isn't suffering, that way they don't have to deal with it. Instead they become avoidant and give you advice on how to make their lives easier while you are stuck with an emotional paraplegic. No one can tell you what you are experiencing, only you know.

Also, don't forget that this forum is filled with people who care about you and want to support you. I feel really good about stumbling upon you all.

God bless you I asked him to leave for over a year. He wouldn't. I couldnt take it any more and decided to try something different. I asked god to either it fix us or remove him. I put it in Gods hand. Within a month and a half he did something real bad and has been gone for a week now. prayer works

Sistermarie, God is good. He'll never lead us astray. All of the things that happen to us in our lives are there as tools so that we can be stronger people. Sometimes, we have to take his cues and stop lying to ourselves by ignoring signs. Sometimes we just must sit still and wait for him to work in our favor. It seems like you did just that. God bless and I pray for a speedy healing and lots of protection for you.

Sadly its not just that they have no compassion.....And don't care...

Its that they get a sense of control..From seeing you in pain.....

You ask....'What is happening when your mate has hurt your feelings to the point you are crying and shows not one ounce of remorse?'

What is happening..is that he is DELIBERATELY causing you emotional pain...and it is making him feel good!!

If i could go back in time with my abuser....I would refuse to show him one ounce of my pain....and of course..i would have left much sooner....

Yours must be on a high here..Hes got a good 30 days worth of pain out of you now...he must be feeling pretty good at this stage?...

No normal decent human being likes to think they are causing another one minute of pain....Except abusers...

Yours is heaping hurt on top of more hurt...They love to do that....Reaxting angrily when you want to tell them about how hurt they are making you feel...Denying it, and witholding more...and claiming you can just leave if you don't like it?....Huge further hurt heaped on hurt....Thats what they do.

Abuse has nothing to do with love..Its all about control.

Here you are dealing with a man who is actually enjoying your pain, and who is also enjoying the thought that you might be grounded without a car in the freezing winter..Even though that will also affect innocent children?...

He is also likely getting off on the thought of further isolating you?....Especially since you say already friends are now dropping away because of his abuse of you?...

Calm is right stargazer..Time to refuse to stay on this painfilled rollercoaster any longer....My ONLY regret...Is that I stayed much longer than I should have....I haven't one regret about leaving my abusers sorry ass ebhind for good though...I do also regret allowing him cause me pain and watch me in pain..just so that he could get off on it also?..

No wonder you feel emotionally ill....and worse still..he will keep going until you are...

He might suddenly turn around and give you a few crumbs to stop you leaving?..And might claim to change?...But he won't change..they don't....

What you are going through...has NOTHING to do with love...

When i realised that....I found it easy to let go...I hope you keep realising that too...