Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Last night we discussed cleaning the apartment. We decided, that, in the event that whoever woke up first, that person would just start the cleaning, and the other would join in when they woke up.

first problem : i always wake up, so it's obvious it would ONLY be me cleaning, but i let it go, because i wanted to just get the cleaning done, and i knew argueing wouldn't help. i'm trying to put more faith in him, because the lack of faith leaves him feeling more or so less motivated to TRY for me...for us.

so, i wake up...mostly because my daughters diaper is off, and she's stomping in pee in her crib. so of course, i clean it up, take out the sheet, put on a fresh diaper, and block the bed area so that the baby can play, while he sleeps. of course, this also interferes with my cleaning, as i have to prevent my daughter from trying to get through as im cleaning the other side of the room, so as to not wake him up.


problem two: Of course, I never wake him up. he's cranky, and usually the only thing he seems to like waking up to is music and food, or some kind of big physical attention. didnt have music, didnt have food, and i didnt want to interupt what we planned "first person to get up starts cleaning", with physical attention that i DONT want to give anyway, and would take up time, in which i still had other things to do, like feed Amanda, and get dressed...this is all the while i am starving from not having any breakfast either.

So, then, ocassionally, i go online, only to play around, trying to make myself feel better. eventually, i put the baby in the crib. i even laid down and attempted some comfort but then changed my mind when he seemed too irritable, and then let him go back to sleep and went back to cleaning.

then, suddenly, he seems to be waking up. so i, of course, go "hi, baby"...in a sweet loving voice, to find he is getting up slowly and looks irritable. of course, im terrified. what did i do now? what should i do? are you mad that i didnt stay in bed? was i too loud? - of course i dont ask these things, just play it cool.

he just jumps up, goes to the bathroom, does his thing, then comes back, then gets dressed, and whatnot, all without saying anything to me. then im in the kitchen and i say, "hi, baby." again, and he says "hi" back, i think, and then i said something like "are you mad at me?" and he says "im not mad at you." or something like that, i think, then i go back to cleaning a little, then come back onto the computer, because what ELSE am i supposed to do?

then he comes back in the room, loud voice, saying "why are you ignoring me?" ...and his face looks angry, he almost looks hurt. I tell him, "i'm not ignoring you..." and something small, or whatever, then he walks the fuck away, so i follow sort of and say "whats wrong? i got up to do the cleaning..im not ignoring you. if anything you got up, got dressed, and havent said anything to me....what getting to you?" and he says, "i had a bad dream."...

personally, i dont give a fuck if FREDDY fucking CRUEGAR was in your dreams as long as you dont wake up and take it out on me....and personally, we're trying very hard to get past all the past abuse, and current emotional abuse and now another day, i am put into fear, anxiety, and wonder, about whats next, whats going to happen, will he be kind? ...i dont know...

I'm so tired.
not sleepy tired.
just tired of all of it.



but its not like i'll do anything but grin and bear it.
its what im trying to do to fix our relationship and life, as much as he tries to do his own ways of fixing it...

i wont make excuses for him he is trying to fix our life, too...but i think im doing most of the work...we'll have to wait and see if my work pays off and he finally decides to do something...


*shrug* i love him...

i dont know. I feel like a stupid lifetime idiot woman now...sorry. >.
Posted on 11/06/09, 11:11 am