What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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Guilt
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I have been close to the edge lately. Everytime I really think I might leave, I start feeling guilty. WHY?????? I am so tired of the game-playing, dishonesty, blaming, gaslighting, lonliness, crazy-making behaviors. Why do I put up with it? I am confused. I don't know what's real. My H. is passive-aggressive. He fooled me the other day by giving me a gift of ladybug luggage we had seen. I never said I wanted it, but I did. It made me feel like he was trying. Like there still might be some part of him that understood or cared about me, but now I realize he probably was assauging HIS guilt over not taking me anywhere on the week he had taken off for a vacation. This is now a big pattern. Abuse me.... then buy something to pretend he wasn't abusing me. He is a stranger to me. I know he did stuff before (years ago)but I didn't see it (denial) and it wasn't as overt as the stuff he does now. I think my therapist is finally beginning to understand after I read her a list of abusive things he has done to me. He also used the vacation excuse to quit therapy! It doesn't matter because therapy doesn't help if you use it as a way to batter your spouse. I am so depressed and apathetic it is hard to get myself to actually do what I need to do....Leave - at least for a couple of days to get my head together. Anybody else been there... Feeling too depressed to try to save yourself?
Posted on 11/04/09, 02:11 pm |
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Yes and I am out of it. I divorced him, tried to get him back, only to be dumped on and lied to. I can't leave the house most days, I feel sorry you are still in it, leaving is the hardest thing to do and even when you do make the decision, it sucks. Sorry, I wish I could be more positive. 
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Thank you for telling me the truth of it. I'm sorry he betrayed you a second time. I can only imagine how badly you must have felt. It helps to know that my feeligs are normal.
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yes I know exactly how you feel guilt is my worst enemy always has been. i think it is the main reason I have not left. I haven't been perfect I definitly have made mistakes but I know ( or at least I am trying to convince myself ) that I am not the person he makes me out to be, I really have to try hard to make myself believe that I am a good person. doesn't always work. I do know that I don't like the person I have become and I do believe that getting out is the only way to save myself its just easier said than done
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Ad- I have said that myself before "that I don't like the person that I've become". For me it is mostly because he does stuff and I react by breaking his things (and sometimes mine), screaming at him and hitting him. Of course, it only makes me feel worse and after the last 5 years of intense emotional/verbal abuse, I barely have any self-esteem left. Last night I did tell him that I wasn't going to let him destroy me. I've come to the same conclusion as you about having to leave, but it hurts when you've been married 32 years and have no one (family deceased and/or crazy)Thanks for your comments.
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I can relate. I am trying to find the courage to leave. But I don't want to hurt him. Even though he hasn't changed and has promised to do so time and time again. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to crush his dreams of us having children and a future together. We have only been married 4 years with no kids yet. He has big dreams and ideas for us. But I am so unhappy and tired of the emotional abuse. But then I always end up feeling like, 'how could I leave and do that to him, and I am really difficult to deal with sometimes, and I am kind of a dumb airhead at times.' Secretely wish he would just let me go. So I hear ya on the feelings of guilt
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I think you have to get to the point where you care about and love yourself more than this person.
It IS a difficult decision to come to, no matter the circumstances. I now look at my exN as non-human...he really isn't, not in the true sense. He has no empathy for others, compassion, the only thing he cares about is his needs, and sucking the life out of me to meet those needs. Once you start looking at them as nothing but a "host" on your being, only taking, without a second thought of how it effects you, it's easier to start separating yourself. As long as you think of them in normal terms, that will keep that road block up that makes it very difficult to make the break. But they are anything BUT normal. Your guilt is all one sided, they certainly don't feel guilty when they get pleasure out of hurting you. And they don't "hurt" inside, they only get angry...no matter what they say. Tough to think in these terms because WE are not this way. But there are people in the world who are, and we're here because we've had the misfortune of running into them.
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I didn't really have guilt feelings before I left... at that stage I was more focused on convincing myself that I was really being abused. But after I left I had tremendous feels of guilt for a long time - still do at times. THe guilt was so overwhelming that I felt it would detroy me. I felt so bad for hurting him. Because I know he did not want me to leave and I know it hurt him when I left. Everyone kept telling me 'you have to think about yourself, not him,' but that didn't help. They also said it is HIS fault you left so don't feel guilty - that didn't help either. No matter what anyone said or what I read I still felt so guilty for making him sad and feel bad. I don't know if this helps you - but at least you know that it is a normal feeling in the situation.
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Thanks everybody. Your sharing has helped me to clarify some things. I was under the impression it was because we had been married so long, but I see now that doesn't seem to make a difference in feeling guilty and responsible for them. I feel very sad like I've wasted my youth and I can't stop wondering why? Why did it get to be so bad at this point in time? I don't know, but have a feeling that since his parents died that he didn't have to put on such a show for them and now he felt free to use me as a scapegoat as they all did. Thank you all again.
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I agree with what everyone said-- the feelings of guilt are overwhelming for me. We have been married 6 yrs., no kids, and my guilt and sadness at ending our marriage are just killing me. I was on the verge of leaving several times in the past few months, but for the past month, I feel like I've totally back-slid and am back at square one, questioning whether he has really been abusive. I find myself wishing he would hit me-- then I would know for sure and I would leave. Isn't it horrible to wish for something like that? But when it's this constant, low-level abuse in the form of criticism, ridicule described as jokes, control, and on top of it all, the sort of behavior where he's obviously jsut trying not to lose me-- it is almost impossible to deal with in a way that is healthy. It is a horrible mental state to be in. I think eventually, you just can't take it anymore, and you leave.
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Yep, the guilt was part of it for me too. In my case I wasn't worried about hurting him so much - after all, he kept telling me he didn't want to be in the marriage any more (he just didn't want to leave the house because he had no money, because he quit his job to spend more time playing computer games, watching television and drinking). As with most of them, it wasn't until after I didn't want to be in the marriage that he thought there was something to save.
No, my guilt was for my child - leaving him without a father - and for my failure to stay and help him "for better or worse, till death do us part". As for too depressed to do anything - yup, been there too. But somewhere you have to find your strength. It's there - we all have it - you can do it. I know how hard it is, but you need to focus on what you really want. what gives you strength, whether it's kids, prayer, or just a life of your own. Focus on whatever it is, and start taking small steps. You would be amazed at how uplifting it is to make a start on doing something too huge to contemplate - like leaving. Good luck and hang in there. You CAN do this.
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