Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I can relate. It gets old quick. My H. doesn't drink but he is passive-aggressive, so I endure mostly emotional stuff with some verbal abuse thrown in. It has gotten physical though (pushing, shoving).

If your H. is drinking and being verbally abusive, you need to think about leaving because the next step is physical abuse and if he is under the influence of a substance (alcohol) you are not safe because it takes away his inhibitions. I would urge you to leave, find a safe place to stay because this stuff only escalates. Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with for a bit to get your head on straight? If money is an issue, then a women's shelter is a good choice. If you can, you could stay at an extended stay hotel. I looked at one yesterday. The one I saw had a kitchenette and took pets. It is also cheaper (if you stay several days) than a regular hotel. Abuse of any kind is bad enough but mixed with alcohol or drugs it can be dangerous. Please take care of yourself.

Agreed. That was my story for a long time. Verbal abuse, silent treatment, walking out etc etc when he'd been drinking. Then, slowly but surely, it escalated to physical abuse, which also became more common, as did the verbal and emotional abuse. It got a LOT worse when I got pregnant, and a lot worse again when I had the baby. Now that was probably partly because I was not as compliant as I had been, since I had someone else to focus on other than his needs, and due to hormones and exhaustion I was probably less patient and tolerant - which is NO excuse for his behaviour at all.

Either he quits drinking and gets help or you get out. Otherwise it WILL get worse.

Dear tsv -----

I apologize for not responding sooner than today (and I hope others will come on and engage in this post, as well).

First, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Second, I so empathize with your exhaustion.

Third ----- contrary to what may seem intuitive, "fighting back" against emotional abuse, is not necessarily the best response. For starters, there's no rational response to irrationality. In addition to that, frustrating an offensive aggressive abuser can be varying degrees of DANGEROUS. (Throw alcohol on that, and you risk a conflagration.)

Fourth ----- also contray to what may seem intuitive ----- your husband's alcoholism problem is probably NOT the bottom-line issue. If that's the case, then eliminating the alcohol probably won't resolve the abuse. Of course, alcoholism is a problem. But in many instances, it's also a high-profile SYMPTOM of inner emotional/psychological injury. In other cases, it's a pain-killer. Alcoholism can be many things. Fixing it, doesn't necessarily fix all things that are wrong.

So ----- those are some of my thoughts, in regards to your post.

I hope you'll consider reaching out to social services or to a qualified professional counselor. You may even connect with your local women's center. Verbal abuse is ABUSE. You're entitled to help from those working to support victims of abuse. You reached out here. Please continue to reach out. There's a better life waiting for you. But you have to take action to step forward to meet it, greet it and embrace it. I hope you will!

Best to you.

Ilene

Great advise Ilene: I too lived with a alcoholic and he considered himself a professional being in the busisness and all. He grew up in an emotional and abusive home. I new this going in but thought I could show him some good times and make life happy. I believe what Ilene said that he has deep deep (maybe he doesn't even know) problems and the alcohol just covers it up. i was a muse for a while but ..that where I was. I got the silent treatment, the give me the yes or no answer (never any inbetween) and it was always his answer he would want to hear. if i didn't give it to him I would be ignored or treated poorly the poor treatment continued till he found a new muse. Then I was ignored. I am better than than I have scars but they will heal. Some of my friends think that when he sees that I am mad as hell and not going to take it any more a more violent person might erupt. I am scared but thankful for my friends.

I also agree about alcohol not being "the" problem. That's why, if you are to have a future with him, you should insist he stops drinking AND gets help for whatever is underlying. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I also agree with Ilene that fighting back is not always a smart move. Nor is laughing at them when they issue stupid threats (mine threatened to have my baby put in care, then he'd get custody - he was a violent drunk with no job, no assets and no prospect - I was a professional woman with a home, a job and family support. I laughed. Later, I called the police and he was convicted of assault. In between was not a lot of fun).

Above all else, be careful.

Speaking from my own experience,I agree with Ilene. My husband is an alcoholic,but most of the emotional abuse I get from him comes when he is dead sober. Alcohol is only part of the problem.
It was easier for me when I could look at a certain incident and say, "Oh,he was drinking.He didn't know what he was doing/saying.."
But,I began to realize that 9 out of 10 times,he was NOT drinking,yet here he was verbally & emotionally abusing me. I no longer could brush off or excuse his behavior. And that's why I want out- the fact that HE,not his alcoholism is the big issue.
Please understand that I am in no way downplaying alcoholism. It is a terrible disease. It just hasn't always been the catalyst for the problems in my marriage.
Stay strong,tsv. I empathize with what you are going through.

I'm going through something similar myself, I had left on Sept 16th, got a protection order after over 2 years of emotional & verbal abuse that ended in my windshield being smashed in by his fist as me & the kids were leaving. Since he has quit drinking & vowed to talk the problems through, but over the past 2 weeks I see his anger creeping back in, so the alcohol most definately was not the problem... We need counseling, and bad!

I wonder if without alcohol. Would the non-physically abusive become abusive? i think they might. Cause in his mind I was his problem in his world.