Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Nothing you do sets up abuse. nothing. You loving him and wanting to save him does not cause him to abuse you and you do not deserve to be abused because of who you are and how you behave and what you do. This is HIS problem NOT yours.

I've had the same thoughts as you about my stbx. I thought that if I only loved him enough and showed him how understanding and caring I could be then he would wake up and "see the light" and he would come to see that love could conquer all. He would finally love me because he would realize how much I loved him and we would live happiliy ever after.

This is part of the illusion of abuse. It doesn't matter what you do because it will never be the right thing to do in his eyes. He will have you jumping through hoops to figure out how to act and what to do to win his heart. But the sad fact that you have to realize is that you cannot change him or save him or fix him. Let me repeat...YOU CANNOT CHANGE, SAVE OR FIX HIM.

Please realize that abusers are masters at shifting the blame. They make you think that you're the one at fault. I spent YEARS trying to figure out how to please my H and how to fix myself so that I could measure up to his standards so then he could love me.

You can never win and you can never do enough to please them.

My H had me believing everything opposite that I knew in my heart to be true. He told me I was pessimistic, a naturally depressed person, obsessive, unforgiving, neurotic, forgetfull, irresponsible, a bad cook, bad mother, and stupid. I was always trying to prove to him that I wasn't these things because I knew it wasn't true, but after so many years I gave up and just thought maybe it's all true.

And then I woke up...

You don't have to live like that and you don't deserve to be treated like that. He's using your good nature and love and desire to help him against you and that, in my opinion, is pure evil.

Take care of yourself.

Nope, they will always abuse. You are "what if"-ing, not that there is anything wrong with that.

I also thought I was Wonder Woman and that my love for my ex could change him, make him into a better person. I also had self esteem issues.

Our abusers are very careful about whom they choose to be with...he tested you in some way and found you worthy. He chose you as much as you chose him. I can guarantee you that your stbx will never, ever change not for anyone.

The abuser shifts blame by blaming it all on you. The only thing you did wrong was stay too long...I did the same thing, hon. Hugs to you for your pain...

The book: The Emotionally Abused Woman REALLY helped me look at how my self esteem issues and basic personality traits made for a horrible combination with an emotional abuser. Totally toxic relationship.

Understanding yourself is a key. Heres a link for the book.

http://www.beverlyengel.com/books/...

hmm.. that's an interesting question, liveonce - Do abusive people only abuse people who try to change them? -

But I think the question is rather, "Do abusive people seek others with low self esteem to abuse"?... as well as, "Does love believe all things, and hope all things"?

I've had both healthy and abusive relationships. In all of them I believed that love would change them for the better because in a HEALTHY relationship it HAS worked for me. You give love and the love grows and grows.

For me the REAL lesson to learn was - and you said it - that we need to be in relationships with people who can have EMPATHY for us from the get-go. From now on, empathy is on my list of "must haves".

NO! IT'S JUST AN EXCUSE ON HIS PART AND BLAME SHIFTING! He is responsible for his behavior just as you are responsible for your own. Clearpath said it all. Sadly enough though, the abuser can get us thinking and wondering if it is us. They systematically destroy any self-esteem their partner may have.

I don't think I can write my story any better than clearpath wrote hers - it is the same story (more or less).

The simple truth is it's not about you trying to change him, but it is in part about your self esteem issues - that is one of the reasons he chose you. He would not choose someone who was confident in herself, because she would not stand for his crap.

Your question is typical of the circular thinking they try to have us do. What you are asking is, in essence, was he abusive only because you tried to stop him being abusive? Put like that it doesn't make any more sense than my ex telling me he only had an affair because I drove him to it by having problems dealing with the fact that he was having an affair. What the?