Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

An abuser is an abuser is an abuser.

What does he think?

silent ------

What does it MATTER what he thinks?
He's an abuser.

But ----- okay. . . . . . .

He thinks he'll be able to sweet talk you till he
can manipulate you back into servitude . . . . .
as soon as you GIVE IN.

Months of kind words??? Abusers can manage
a couple/three months of kind words, even,
some of them, as much as half a year . . . . .
till you get sucked back in. . . . . till they convince
you they can love you with authenticity. But the
break-heart truth is that they're not capable of
loving with authenticity. So, as soon as you
get suckered back in, you're under their
control again. Only this time, since you
were actually out and RETURNED, they
believe that now you are even SOFTER
putty in their hands and they can treat
you even WORSE. (Ask anyone who's
returned.)

THAT'S what he's thinking.

BEWARE of his months of kind words.

(Remember the Evil Queen with the
POISONED APPLE!)

"Give in", that says it all!

I remember when mine was trying to lure me back once, he took on a threatening tone, he "needed to know something soon, he can't wait forever for me to make up my mind." Sadly, I took him back (at the time). HUGE mistake.
It's a big game for an abuser, and it's all about winning. How many points are on their scoreboard compared to yours is what matters to them. Forget your feelings or needs, that has nothing to do with it.

Giving in means he doesn't see where he is to blame for anything. Is he to blame?
Giving in means he is right and you are wrong. Is he right?
Giving in means he has the right to behave the way he does. Does he?
If you are to blame in something sure accept responsibly for your actions but dont just give in if he is in the wrong. He needs to accept responsiblity for his actions. If he doesn't then you are absolutly right it will defeat the whole process.....

Your post says you know the answer to your own question, but you don't want to admit it. I (and most others here) completely understand that unwillingness. Don't give in.

You have your answer to whether you can make it work. The only way to make it "work" is for you to give in. It's not and never will be a relationship of mutual trust, responsibility and affection, but one where one side has to "give in".

Yes he expaects you to fall for his kind words..and to 'give in'...And yes..It will involve you 'losing control somehow'.

As soon as you would be back in his arms...That is when an abuser feels back in control..and free to hurt you allover again....

Believing that they have changed...By falling for sweet empty promises..and like llenew said..You just go back to discover that they haven't changed at all.....And yes..In fact you discover that they are worse!! It is devastating all over again. As much and more than as any hurt they ever caused you before..And I have also gone back...Two times....And this IS what happens..

At first there is a 'honeymoon' period..Where they re-build your trust..and then just when you feel safe...They deliberately knock you down and cause you huge hurt...all over again...

The only way out is to not allow him play you with those false 'kind loving words'.....If he WAS kind and loving..would you have ever tried to get away?...Its all lies..

I am just SO glad that my ex abuser didn't try to sweet talk me back a third time..because they are SO good at manipulating your hopes and dreams..and you good nature....I might have fallen for it?

Not now...Not now i know that they don't change...Not now that I know their promises are empty lies...

Please try to not let him manipulate you any more..And stick to the truth as you truly know it...

Yes thats what hes really thinking...GET you to GIVE IN....and then abuse you allover again.....For his sick sense of control over you...

Thats why they say with abuse...No contact..Is your biggest chance to escape it...Away from their false promises...Which are just not true..




No you're not doing anything to be horrible..Don't let him guilt trip you....You are doing this because his abuse and treatment of you...Was intolerable..and too painful to endure any further...

Funny you posted this. I had emailed my stbx about the bills for this month.

The end of the email he tells me that he is "still committed to this", "still in this" and that he loves and misses me.

Part of me wants to believe it because there's that side of me (I call it my weaker part) that still desires to be loved.

And then, there's this other side of me that would never even think about setting foot in the same room with him again.

I figure I gave my husband nine years of my life to make it right...and as soon as we got married, he completely dropped the ball (forget the whole part about telling me about his abusive childhood/alcoholic parents, etc) to become an alcoholic himself with all the abuse that came along with his self-hatred.

I think about the good times, and I mourn them. But, on the other hand, I think about devoting the rest of my life to this man, and my insides cringe.

I'll pass, thank you very much.

My ex was very competitive. An athlete. And everything was about winning...so if he talked like that, it was to win. If I "gave in" then he won. If I didn't, he lost....and that was a reason to rage, or do something cruel, or say something cruel...or mean, or belittling...to abuse.

Hopes you will give in = CONCEED DEFEAT

I feel as though I want it to work but that deep down, there is a part of me which says that it will and can never be. i got quite close to him in the past few weeks through talking. but now, after what he's said and just coss we're not talking as much, i feel distant. he hopes we can meet up soon. A big part of me doesn't. But when I speak to him I ignore that part. I don't talk about my feelings. I don't say that I feel this is not working. I say that it is. that we need to keep on talking. I am afraid of saying that this is not working because I have said it so many times before and it enduces a barrage of phone calls, texts, threats of coming to my home or suicide. And, what has the last two months done? It has made me more afraid that in this new state of "reasonableness" which he has apparently adopted, my saying that I can't do this will actually result in silence. A loss of contact. Nothing. And yes. that would proove he was being normal and yet at the same time, it would also be the end I wanted, without that fear of repercussions for my words.

Sometimes I persuade myself that the best option is to try. because then i can confirm that i wasn't wrong to give up, or that i was wrong not too. I imagine that I can take the pain and that the benefits of him changing and a happy life together, that possibility, outweighs the alternative. but, i'm just not quite sure it does - given his financial state, our long distance, so many reasons why its not worth risking. But still I am too scared to say the words and yet too scared to go and see him because then if I don't change my mind and I do still feel sad and at a loss and like I can't love him back, it will be more likely to result in problms if i meet up with him than if i don't. it would be "unfair". but it's been five months now! he wants answers! i want answers! a resolution! darh!

Abusive narcissists can be like spoiled children...they will ask you repeatedly for something they want very badly to wear you down. This is his strategy. Don't give in tot he spoiled child, stand your ground.