What is Physical Emotional Abuse
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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He still blames me!!
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Talked to my ex last night for first time in 2 weeks. He still blames me for us splitting up. I tried to go to couples counseling, he cancelled after 3 sessions....I wrote a letter saying the things I did wrong that I should change and apologized for them. I told him I didn't expect 100% change from him overnight. I said just meet me half way and we'll work thru this together. He said I "pushed him out" was "unreasonalbe" and drove him crazy. I just wanted some issues from our 3 year marraige resolved before we started a relationship again. He said I had too much anger to move on....I AM angry, but it takes two people to work thru things. I saw no improvement or even acknowledgement about his past abuse or even the abusive, unpredicatable actions that were continuing. He'd push me until I snapped at him, them blame me for having terrible days together. I was depresses, exhausted and ONLY wanted me feelings empatheically heard and validated. Thats all! Is that unreasonalbe? I told him every day that I believed in him. Now he's gone and just says its sad that I pushed away a great man because I had to have things my way!! He said I was the abusive one and that I would never have a good relationship with a man? Is that true? I know I'm not perfect but I really see his side in a lot and would have supported him thru anything. Oh good grief what should I do??
Posted on 07/04/09, 04:07 pm |
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If he doesn't want to work in good faith with you, there's nothing you can do. Nothing.
You need to walk away, whether it be temporary or for keeps. If he's playing a game with you, then he's more likely to be cooperative if you do this. If he's not, then it's good to get some distance. 
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It sounds to me like you made an effort-- you tried to go to counseling, you tried to make it work, you probably apologized for things that weren't even your fault.
There are people on this board who left their husband, then went back to him, and have regretted it ever since. Do you want to be in ththat position? You were strong and tough to leave him. If he really wants to rebuild a relationship with you, he would not BLAME you, he would do the things he needs to do to work on it.
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I made a HUGE effort, even during our marriage but after being apart for 6 months I had a lot of time to think about things I would have done differently and take a close look at my own problems. So when he came back I was ready to work hard. He didn't want to talk about the past, he didn't want to acknowledge his past behavoirs or follow thru on plans to resolve them even though they were repeated almost immediatley. I needed empthay and sincere apologies, then honest conversations about each of our problems. But he was just angry and defensive every time I tried to talk.....and still the sarcasm, bad moods, cutting little jabs continued...and the big blow ups. I was told I would have NO rights in this relationship that HE would make all of the decisions about us that we were NOT to be 50-50. When he got angry or into one of his unpredictable "moods" I was supposed to "act normal" so he could get over it, not matter what he said or did!! Oh my God, writing this makes me realize what an idiot he was!
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My husband does the same thing. I am not allowed, in his mind, to be angry or upset with anything he does. It's fine for him to get angry or upset. There is NO discussion of the relationship with him. I know just what you mean!
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No matter how wonderful we are, they will always blame us. Hon, I considered myself close to a damn Stepford wife (we were not married, but engaged) the last time we were together.
He knew I was desperate to make things work. I knocked myself out trying to make him happy, catered to him in every way. And what I ended up doing was losing myself and my identity. He still ended up abandoning me. I think when we take them back regardless of their behavior, it's a free pass for them to treat us however they like. Afterall, we take it from them. What is okay for them is never okay for us. As you have stated, he is the one who is the idiot, has the problems. This is the way to keep thinking, and you may realize enough is enough.
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So long as your husband is in denial of his own shortcomings he will not improve and will continue to blame your imagination.
You have every right to ask him for his time to join you in counselling once a week. That is not over-demanding. My opinion is to move on, agree that he does not make you a better person & he seems to still have no intentions. Take care of yourself.
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formor husband. theres a reason we refer to them as our x's. he still has the same bagage and an extry bag to go w the 1st bag and now he armed w clear knowldge how to push our buttons to get what they want. In therapy he will learn to know you better than he knows you now and he will improve his skills.
Of all the single real men who are worthy to be called men why a male? why this male ? The word males does not mean that a male is a man. it simply refers to thier gender. Use his money for therapy for yourself, I would, I wish I had used my formors money instead of mine when I was married. Silly me, for awhile I though I was so in love w him but it was the image that I view him to be that I was in love with and had chased after. Reality was similar to brick wall but worth it. After shock and getting myself and my own life together, the only regrett that I have is that I wasted my 30tys on his sorry behind. And Iam so glad that I stood my ground and absolutely refused to have children w a handsome, finacially well off, jerk. May that you wish for be as you wish.
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You need to use the search bar here on ds and search "Couples Counseling and Abuse." You will get a link to a post by Ilene which will tell you why couples counseling is a VERY BAD idea in an abusive relationship. You will be glad he cancelled, and refused to go when you read it. My ex refused to go...and thank God...because everything she says makes sense. Consider yourself lucky.
Abuse will never get better. It will always get worse. It will change and mutate and do what it has to to keep you under control. That's all it is about, POWER and CONTROL. Read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Go to this website and see if you see yourself here: www.youarenotcrazy.com. The only way to stop abuse for sure is to leave the relationship. It's overwhelming at first, but it's true. From what you have said here, he is a classic, typical abuser...blaming you, not accountable for his actions.... You have started to accept this already, just by being here, posting this. We are here to support you, help you in anyway we can. It's a long journey, it's so worth it. Hugs!!!
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Loves Pets this man has been heartless every step of the way, yet you are continuing to beat your head against the wall. I suggest counseling by yourself, not because you are the one at fault but because you are not able to let it go right now without help.
I hope that with help you can redirect your energies into a more positive and helpful to you direction. You are running around wanting to patch up the titanic after it is already going to the bottom of the sea. Please get some help so that you can move on. Karen
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