Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and also using critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.),

While this obviously does happen, there are many more forms of abuse, other than name-calling.

'Insideous' abuse..Which is much harder to explain and describe..Has been called 'ambient abuse..'Covert' abuse, and also 'gaslighting' and 'crazymaking'....

The (self confessed abuser)..Who has written about abuse and narcississtic abuse from his own behaviour, and personal perspective...Sam varkin...describes this kind of abuse as being like the following..

Ambient Abuse:

'Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything – but is difficult to pinpoint and identify.

It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects.

It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is.

It is the outcome of fear – fear of violence, fear of the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, the capricious, and the arbitrary.

It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant – and unnecessary – lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning, and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom ("gaslighting").

Ambient abuse, therefore, is the fostering, propagation, and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, and unpredictability.

There are no acts of traceable 'explicit' abuse, nor any obvious manipulative settings of control. Yet, the feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly.

Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim can be considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.'

Gaslighting:

Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another's reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn't so -and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.

Gaslighting takes two - one person who needs to be in control to maintain his sense of self, and the other, who needs the relationship to maintain her sense of self and is willing to acquiesce.

The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality, confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another to define reality and tell you what you think -- and who you are.

Gaslighting can be maddening in the early stages and soul destroying when it fully takes hold.

In my book The Gaslight Effect , I describe what it is like to be on the receiving end of this type of emotional abuse - in love relationships.

The Gaslight Effect names this insidious type of emotional abuse, that has, to date, been too much under the radar - and, in naming and understanding this abuse, it can be recognized and healed.

The good news is that when you are fearless, you are empowered and you can heal or opt out of gaslighting or any other destructive relationship dynamic'. (Sam Varkin).

Another form of 'ambient' abuse..Is 'witholding'..

Witholding:

Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange.

Diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, witholding affection, sex, undermining name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger. Engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse.

Conversation may often be witheld, and affection, and company. This also can often involve a refusal to acknowledge your existance, refusing to talk to you, or to discuss issues, Which can also be called 'BLANKING'..

Blanking:

(A dictionary definition of blanking: Can mean to remove, as from view; obliterate: Devoid of activity, interest, An empty space or place; a void).

In abuse terms, the word 'blanking' means to 'negate' another. To refuse to engage, and to refuse to listen, or to acknowledge you.

Blanking' is also a very painful form of abuse...Blanking involves ignoring you..Sometimes for hours and days, or possibly for weeks on end.

It is designed to break you..It is designed to see evidence of their control of your emotions, so that you will begin to crack..which also 'proves' to them that they have a big effect on you...

That gives an abusive person, a great sense of 'control' over you..It is also designed to affect you emotionally, to 'stress' you out, and to hurtfully abandon you, and because this makes you feel totally emotionally hurt and confused..Thats the plan..

Blanking is also done to convey the message, That "You are not worthy of my time, affection ect.." It is also done to you to make you wonder what you did so wrong to actually have a person ignore you, and to strive to aquiese to the abuser.

By ignoring someone a message is sent that you matter so little that they cant even be bothered to talk with you, this also invalidates you, and can leave you feeling very confused, hurt, abandoned and bewildered.

The cold quiet treatment is often preferred by abusers because this allows the abused person to read in all kinds of meaning while the abuser says nothing and then he feels that he can be more 'in control', and also cannot be accused of doing anything substantive, wrong.

Invalidation can be another of the most damaging form of 'psychological' abuse:

Invalidation:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, control or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how you feel and for how long you will feel it.

Following is a list of ways you might have been invalidated in the past, or it may be happening to you now. (Peter shepherd).

Does anybody say you don't have a right to your opinion?

Does anybody criticize you unjustly?

Does anybody make an unfair generalization about you?

Does anybody tease you?

Does anybody make you feel unworthy or insignificant?

Does anybody tell you that you shouldn't be there?

Does anybody tell you that you don't belong?

Does anybody tell you that you couldn't leave?

Does anybody try to force you to follow their rules?

Does anybody trick you into an agreement?

Does anybody judge you?

Does anybody try to make you do something you didn't like?

Does anybody decide things for you?

Does anybody take away your ability to choose?

Invalidation kills confidence, creativity, individuality... and if we do not find a way to re-empower our individual and collective lives and to connect with our humanity it will slowly erode all that we have built, into a tower of sand.

Lying:

Lies are a big form and part of ambient abuse. Lies totally break and destroy trust, as much as every other form of abuse breaks your trust, (like any time you're pushed, called names, or get ignored, or get deliberately hurt and let down badly).

They lie because it's easier, and it keeps you off-balance. And they knows it will emotionally hurt you. Lying is also a form of invalidation.

Some of the biggest lies of all that they try to tell you can be....'I didn't hurt you'...'It never happened'...And 'you have it all wrong'.

All these forms of abuse are 'crazymaking'.

Crazymaking:

When you are told to do two opposite things and then chastised because you did one and not the other, that is an example of crazymaking.

Crazymaking is a guaranteed way to control someone because you can never be right. If a person requires two opposite things from you, point out that this is impossible and that you cannot do this.

Crazymaking can happen in a variety of ways. For example, in a discussion a person might say two opposite things. You are lead to believe that he changed his mind and you accept the last statement as what was meant. But later in the week, when the issue comes up, he says, 'Well, I already told you such and such' which was the first thing he/she said. In short the discussion with you was set up so that no matter what happened the person can say that he did what was agreed.

Crazymaking really 'will' make you crazy after a while. One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is the 'crazy making' aspects of emotional abuse.

REALLY successful abusers hide their abuse incredibly well. They know how to twist and manipulate language, situations and people. They most often present an exterior of calm, rational self-control to others, when in reality, they may be severely emotionally abusive to you behind closed doors, where they try to control 'you', and drive 'you' to LOSE control.

They might say that they already agreed to something that they had not agreed to or say that they apologized for something that they never apologized for. They may say you did or they did something that never happened. Or that something very hurtful they did, never happened. Often making out that you got it all wrong..and that you are 'crazy'.

Abusers who practice this are also masters at not getting caught. They often say negative things with a big smile. They can subtly sabotage your values, your work, and the things you enjoy with mixed statements such as 'you're a really nice person but....'

If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, and how much control he has.

Also so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly 'there you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, 'you are!'.

Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all, often all they see is your hurt often expressed in what they might think is an unreasonable outburst from you, and NOT see the abuse that triggered it.

It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are going crazy, because often nobody could believe that this seemingly charming, 'nice', helpful, and apparently calm man, could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately hurtful.'

'ABUSE MAY BE WORSE WHEN ALL 'SEEMS' NORMAL'.

Ambient abuse is very confusing and painful.

These kinds of abuse are just as destructive as any other kind yet it is very slippery, hard to pin down, hard to locate and hard to explain, or to describe or talk about.

This very nature of this abuse can also make it very difficult to get support and understanding from others, or to prosecute an 'ambient' abuser in court.

The abuser can always deny that he was being abusive and that you just 'misunderstood'.

Examples can be very difficult to describe to others, or to convey in words.

Which makes being abused in these ways, an even MORE difficult and painfullly, confusing, 'crazymaking' and lonely experience..
Posted on 03/13/09, 06:49 am