Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Yes, it is a catch 22. I know one thing for certain, and that is staying together for the children (if that is the ONLY reason) is the WRONG thing to do. Children learn to become husbands, wives and parents from their own parents. It isn't always the case, and some have gone on to become model parents and spouses in spite of the parenting they received, but unless they are raised in a mutually respectful household, they have no frame of reference in which to base their future behavior.

Another reason, is that if he DOESN'T go to counseling, then there has to be a channel for his anger. If he realizes that it can't be you, because you will make good on your threat to have him arrested again, an easy target for his abuse then becomes the children. It is likely to happen WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW about it. I speak from experience on this one. I was 8 years out of my abusive marraige before I even got a glimpse of how violent my house was when I was not around. Both my children sufferred physical abuse by him, and my daugter suffered with sexual abuse as well.

Feeling sorry for him and being afraid that he might lose his job is also NOT a reason to not press charges. The more frequently this happens, the more power he has over you, because he KNOWS he can get away with it. Remember this: He CHOOSES to behave the way he does. He is a playground bully that never grew up, and he has never been accountable for his actions. Until that happens, nothing will change.

Those that see me post here regularly know that I strongly advocate for abusive men to be held accountable. Part of it is because my ex-h is still walking free when he SHOULD be wasting away in jail for what he did to my daughter. Another part of it is because until we stand up to them and let them know as an individual and as a society that this behavior is wrong, there is nothing that will stop the cycle of abuse.

If he is channelling anger and control through violent means, does this sound to you like someone that ought to work in the military or with children? Would you want someone working with your children to have this type of underlying personality?

Forgiveness for you simply means that you let go of your anger and not let it consume you. It DOES NOT mean that he get's off scott free nor does it mean that you forget what he has done. It doesn't even mean that you now love him or trust him. It simply means that you have released the hold that he has on you and can move forward without it consuming your daily life.

He is now becoming wonderful and loving, because that is the only way he can control you. You have hit the end of your rope with the physical abuse and called the authorities, so he knows that at least for the time being that this will no longer work. He is resorting to what it is that reeled you in in the first place, and that is becoming the wonderful and charming person that caused you to fall head over heels. This is known as a "honeymoon phase." It may last for a few weeks or months, but without serious intervention in the form of counseling and significant soul searching and change on his part, IT WILL NOT LAST. Very few (less than 3%) abusers ever do change, and those that do ONLY do so with significant behavior modification that totally breaks down and rebuilds their value system. They literally have to change from being self-centered to other-centered, and that is a difficult transition to make. It will mean that he has to admit that others are right and let others "win" from time to time. MOST abusers cannot do this. Why? because being abusive has gotten them what they want for so long, and has served them so well that they honestly don't believe that it is necessary to change. Why give all that up? This is why holding them accountable is so important.

Go out to www.youarenotcrazy.com and check out the part of the website that discusses what an abuser has to do to change. Aside from admitting that they are abusive, that their behavior is a choice and that it is wrong, an abuser has to make reparations. He would have to walk into the DA's office, confess the abuse and plead guilty for any ensuing charges saving you the stress and necessity of testifying at trial. This means that he would now choose to be fully accountable for all past and future abuse to you or anyone else.

Change is NOT something that he can do on his own, and it is not as simple as just being nice for a few weeks. Change for an abuser is nothing short of a complete "personality transplant," and requires that all of the ingrained self-centered thoughts and notions are replaced by socially acceptable ones.

I think you should get counselling for yourself. Your behavior now to him is not helping you both have a good marriage. I'm not blaming you as it is totally understandable how you have all this hurt, resentment and fear and the matter has not been resolved - the abuse has just been ended, for the time being at least. Trouble is you don't feel secure in your relationship with him anymore and I think you are trying to get him to reassure you by acting towards him as you do. Trouble is, I think it will not work and may be like an irritant to him. Basically, I don't thnk he can give you the reassurance you want. Maybe he is trying to act better. But maybe he can't deal with your issue (or even his) and maybe he doesn't even care (but I don't know).

A good marriage THERAPIST might help, but maybe not. It depends on what is going on.

You know what you dont have to forgive him at all. There is no reason to do that and there is no justification for what he did to you to forgive him. You are not a mean and hateful person. It is the first emotion you feel after so long not being able to feel on your own. It is the quickest emotion to come up too. And also it is all the pent up anger and hate that you buried for so long and it is finally coming out. Dont feel ashamed of it. Fell glad tht you are able to finally feel it. I mean Im not saying act out on the anger and hate but take that and build it into your strength and I know you can do it. It is in you and soon enough allthe other feelings will come out too and the hate and anger will subside. So dont feel ashamed cause you cant forgive him and dont feel ashamed for being angry. It is all natural!

Counseling is key!
However, I want to address forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision you make for yourself. It is like taking poison and expecting the other person to feel the sting. Without it you will become bitter. Soften your heart by making a decision to forgive for your sake. Each time it comes to your mind, tell yourself that you will forgive it even though you have every right to demand your justice. That is what forgiveness is about. As you do this, it will come to you less and less and the bitter root will have less power over you. In the end, he will get better than what he deserved and you will have empowered yourself to a better and more positive place.

Lastly, only through God can you find a true since of peace from the torment you have held inside.

I wish you the best!

I have found that true forgiveness seems to come from deep wisdom, understanding and compassion and not expecting too much.

Having said that, if we are thinking in a fairly blanced way and do not have a mood disorder, our emotions are often a natural consequence of how we are being treated. Eg, it can be ok to feel angry. Whether we should act it out is another matter.

But I think the opposite of forgiveness is hate, not anger.

I think it is imposable to forgive so long as you fear he will abuse again ,its like just waiting for the next cycle to start ,you don’t trust he has really changed ...or maybe you are just done ...and are only staying because you think you should ,if you want out ..then you will never forgive but if you want it to work then you have to start working on trust first then forgiveness will come ...But if he abuses again don’t wait for him to change again just get the hell out ,you are not doing your kids any favours staying in an abusive home...If you don’t really trust maybe you could start working on your escape plan .Get money together work out were to go if he hits you again. But really forgiveness takes time and healing ,I agree you should talk to a counsellor your self, I am always suspicious of guys who say they have changed but refuse help…but you need it for your self even with out him …

Akas, Just read your post. I am going through the same situation now. After 14 years of mental abuse, called the cops when he physically abused me. But dropped the charges when he said he will change and not to ruin his career. Now he is being nice to me and I find myself in the same dilemma as you have. So, just curious as to what you decided and are you happy with it? Please let me know if it is ok.

I recommend counseling for you, if he doesnot want joint counseling.

A person cannot change over night so give it time.....

If you cannot forgive him, you are going to ruin your life being with him.
Maybe some guidence from your church also

meyers

Abusers never, ever change permanently. His change is only temporary.

You and your kids are so much more important than him and his job. Though I do also understand that financially it is good for everyone for him to have a job...you can still leave him without pressing charges, just saying.

Forgiveness for him is a long way off. First, you do indeed need counseling, to take the time you need to forgive yourself. I do hope that you make yourself and your mental health your first priority. You can't care for your kids if you are not well and happy. You also need to think about what you want to do and where you want to go.

I am wishing peace and freedom for you and your children. Hugs to you...

This is a 3 year-old post
but the "catch 22," or rather,
the apparent catch 22 is]
perennial.

akas posted that 5 years
into being abused, she
called the police in February.

After the call, he "changed"
and from February to the
date of the thread in July,
his behavior was improved.

We don't know from this thread
how long that change lasted.

My guess is that the improvement
was history long before Christmas.

Abusers HATE to lose or to risk losing
their victim. They will, for varying periods
of time, do ANYTHING to prevent that
from happening.

(Replacing a victim is damn inconvenient!)

Some will even go to counseling.

Couple counceling NEVER WORKS
where there's a dynamic of abuse.
And, where there's a dynmaic of
abuse, couple counceling can
be DANGEROUS. (See my
thread on couple counceling
and abusive relationships.)

It would be informative to know how
things turned out for akas.

Oh. . . yes. . . "forgiving". . . .

Can we hold off on the
question of forgiving
until the "recovered"
abuser has been
abuser-free for at
least two years?

(That's a personal view.)

Hoping akas is in a
place that's brining
her all good things.