Just gotta find a way out. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A local women's shelter is my best suggestion. I am financially trapped as well but looking for a way out. Others will have better and more information than I but I can add some support. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hi Warrior, The women's shelter suggestion is a good one, they can help you with forming a plan to leave. Also are you and/or your daughter in therapy? If not, that is one step you might take as well. You are rightfully PISSED! I was and still am when I realized what was going on in my own marriage. I went to my local women's shelter and spoke with a counselor, then went to a divorce attorney for a consultation, and have been working on saving $ where I can for a few months. Also, coming here was a lifesaver for me, it's helped me understand so much more clearly what's going on in my marriage. (((HUGS)))))

Thank you both! I knew daughter had been down- not herself for quite awhile, but wouldn't talk about anything, and would just get annoyed the more I tried. Right after the last blow-up (a bad one), she started sleeping with me & woke up w/ nightmare one night, and just started talking and talking, and told me about the cutting. (I had noticed cuts before, but she said it was from the dog, etc.). Next morning, I called our Dr (who is aware of situation at home). She saw her & asked her straight out if she had thoughts of killing herself. She said not so much, but then got in the car and told me that she thinks about it all the time, and told me in detail exactly how she would do it. I got referrals for therapists for both of us. Both seem very good, and she has her 3rd appt. tomorrow. I was on waiting list for DV advocate, but finally met with her last week. I was a bit hesitant at first, but she was truly amazing. I wish I had gotten up the courage to reach out years ago. She TOTALLY understood what my kids and I are going through. That in itself was extremely validating and helpful. She also helped me see and better understand the reality of my situation- which triggered even more ANGER, which I now don't quite know what to do with. (I've been just NUMB for soooo long!! ) I am mostly angry at HIM for creating this situation, but also at MYSELF for allowing it to on for so long without realizing just how bad things have really gotten. I have next appt. there next week. It just seems like such a long process, and I feel like we need out NOW.

I don't have any specific advise - except keep on with the counseling. I fully understand the financial issues AND the deep concern for your children. Your incredible strength as you move through this will inspire and hopefully console your kids - hold them close. I am deeply sorry for what you and the children are going through and you're all in my thoughts. PS - is there anyone ( church, relative, friend, etc ) that could provide you shelter ?

W.P. ----

I'm glad you and your
daughter are in counseling.

It can be a long process.

And it's tough, while you're
still there.

I'd suggest that when you're
around him, start seeing him
as if he were a total stranger.
That way, maybe you can be
close to neutral, when you're
interacting.

Or. . . as I've said in other threads,
see yourself as a prisoner of war.
You're digging a secret tunnel, but
when you interact with your jailor,
you have to appear "normal." You
have to interact as if you're okay
with things, okay with where you
are and basically just okay. (When,
of course, you're actually digging a
tunnel to escape, and collecting
what you'll need to do that, a little
bit every single day. But you can
not let the jailor know any of this.)

Continue with counseling. That's
going to help.

Hugs and healing prayers.

Ilene, love the jailer analogy. That is spot on. Other advice I've heard is to treat the person like you would as a house guest or someone at the grocery store. You don't share secrets or intimate details, they don't know all your comings and goings but you also aren't hostile to them (does no good and may escalate things).

You're in the heat of the realization and tension is high. I would consider taking a moment to come up with a plan before letting him have a piece of your mind. Not for his sake but for yours. As Ilene mentioned if he knows you are on to him so to speak he will also start strategizing and you will lose your upper hand in making a plan for you and your daughter.

On a personal note I was a cutter in high school for a time. I had bottled up my rape from years earlier and was just wanting a way to feel something. I felt numb. In other ways I also wanted to release all the yuck in my mind and body and this was a way to release for me. It was also something I could control when I felt I couldn't control anything else in my life. The thing I was lacking was someone safe to talk to. I had no one. Not one person. I was so afraid of being condemned and judged. Let her know that you love her unconditionally and that this behavior does not change how you feel about her. She needs to know she's not defective in trying to cope with her pain.

Something else that comes to mind is she will be very sensitive to what you are going through. It will be difficult for her to process your understandable highly charged emotions. She wants to help her mom not feel that way but is helpless to do so and this sense of helplessness might increase her sense of hopelessness. I'm not suggesting you hide everything from her but I would gently suggest considering that when you are with her. I don't have kids but I can imagine how you have formed a unique bond with her as you work through this struggle together. She is involved in a way your other support can't quite understand..but...she is still a child. Let her know its okay for her to be your daughter and that you have others to support you to ease any pressure she might be feeling.

Sending you big hugs Warrior!

WOW- I can't thank you all enough! It is soo encouraging just to have found people who actually understand. I feel truly blessed to have found this group to be a part of.

Fortress- I keep hearing people tell me that I am strong- and I know that it does appear that way on the outside. But inside, I feel like I'm a mess! I definitely still feel plenty of anger, but also feel myself settling into a DIFFERENT kind of survival mode- this time with a focus and a purpose.

Godismyhonor- I truly almost lost it last night and was ready to snap on HIM- which I've never done before (b/c of fear of the obvious consequences). Was so angry last night that I really didn't care anymore, and wasn't even afraid of him or what might happen to me as a result. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew it would end badly, accomplish nothing, and only put my kids through that much more. Have determined instead to let the anger fuel my determination to get out. And you are right- I feel like my kids have been waiting and hoping for way too long for me to finally DO something. I'm definitely drawing them closer, and do believe that I can still inspire them. And thank you for sharing your experience. Was shocking to me at first, but I am learning- and what you described is what I see in her.

Ilene- the jailor analogy is SO perfect in every way. I think you just helped me believe that with this mindset- I CAN really do this, and in a smart way. That's exactly what I needed.

I can't thank you all enough. I was feeling really lost and overwhelmed, and you've all helped already- more than you can possibly know.