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Rambling fears that he is right-- I am the problem
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Maybe my husband is right... I obsess over things and can't just live normal, thus create the problems.
I asked him again tonight if he thought about what he could do to help him with his anger... He got upset and threw pillows in a sharp manner (but they are only pillows). He told me I just don't give him a beak and I told him that is because he scares me when had gets so upset... He had been working on replacing the floor and was upset, cursing, tossing tools, making derogatory statements about he had to do everything himself and when I was present helping I was in his way and questioned everything I did . I also told him that the cat threat was so detailed it scared me and that he didn't show remorse.
He told me that he apologized to the cat -and I told him I felt I needed an apology because I was frightened and when I tried to help him to reason he just got more intense...
He td me that all he ever hears about is the past-- I TSS him it was 4 days ago and unresolved... He just got do mad .
He told Meagan that 4 days ago is the past and shouldn't be brought up again.. Then he listed "all (my) problems:
I'm too thin. (I am 5'6" and 123-130 lbs-- doctor says I am healthy)
I don't eat enough
I focus on the past
Since I saw the the rosiest I am 5x worse
I torture him
I work for at a school that is going in strike
I want to be like my best friend up the hill ( which I really don't feel is true-- but I do like my friend and her family, but never longed for anything they have except the opportunity to have a baby and kindness between each other
When I act crazy he has to tell me the truth because I have no self control
When I look too thin he has to tell me I look Ethiopian bc he is not going to stick around for a sick looking woman
When my hair makes me look old he has to tell me because he can't stand to look at it
I have no self control and make him tell me he is going to smash things because it is the only way to shut me up and let him forget the past
I don't give him a chance to love him because I am always reminding him what he did wrong yesterday
I expect a perfect world but yet I have no knowledge of how real people live
I didn't listen to him and "just be a regular teacher instead I choose to have problem children as a special Ed teacher.

The list went on. He told me no one could put up with me--- all I know how to do us tort tire and that I am trying up kill him with stress.

I told him then maybe I should go..
He said maybe I should and then again told me no man could put up with me and that if I left now while my school is going on strike I would be a fool. Then he told me I can think what I want that he never said any of these things, but he is not going to lie... If I am acting crazy then I need to here it.
I feel defeated!
I actually was trying to convince him to come sleep in the bed with me. I feel like I am being punished and that I am all wrong...
Maybe I am.
I want to cancel my counseling season in Thursday because he said I am 5x worse( but I know I am "worse in his eyes because I am standing up to him)... But maybe I do hold on to problems too long... Maybe I do expect more if an apology than necessary, maybe I do hold too much against him... Maybe I am too obsessive.. I feel like I have been obsessing over the problems all summer and do feel guilty... I won't let either of us enjoy anything.
These are the times I feel like I need to drive myself to the ERvfir a mental health eval... These ate the times II hate myself and want to hurt myself and wish god would just let me die. These are the times that I think I am crazy and just become a useless puddle and follow him around--- and sit idle . He even asked if we have to duct tape my mouth from 6 to 10 to jeep me from pestering him---?he won't be is just saying I can't control myself... He told me he is going to start kicking me out if the house when I when i act out of ol.control.. He won't- it is a threat to keep me quiet.
But if all these measures have to be taken then maybe I am the abusive on who makes him feel like crap...

How did I back up to this--- I was making progress and now I'm back to begging him to come to bed and"I'll be quiet and not bother you..," and" I'll be quiet and forget yesterday and tomorrow I won't bring up today.... Bill do anything if you will just tell me you live me"
I hate this about me too!
Please tell me-- other than the wrc and the behavioral therapist what can I do to fix me... I am up crying my eyes out and wanting just kind interaction... He is sound asleep again-- I don't get it.. What is wrong with me?
I wanted an entire summer being angry at him for yesterday's--- apparently real/normal people let things go...,
I hate too that I have used prescription Xanax at least 1x per week for the past month to help me sleep...if he new he would tell me I have an addiction /drug problem...
How does one delineate who us the problem?
Posted on 08/21/13, 10:45 pm
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Reply #21 - 08/22/13  7:08pm
" Game. He scared you, scarred you, and it worked. He upped the pressure, and you're backing down - I've spent enough time there to recognize it. He can kill the cat some other day, when you start getting uppity again. When threatening the cat isn't having a powerful enough effect anymore.

Look for the 'knives' hidden in his words. They're there, you just have to trust yourself that yeah, you actually spotted them. That insult that you didn't like? That was actually an insult. You shouldn't like it. That threat? Same thing.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. You are wise and perceptive. You are kind and empathetic, and a remarkably forgiving person. And you're not crazy for thinking so. Be safe, please, yellow. "
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Reply #22 - 08/22/13  10:25pm
" What they all said. The constantly changing tactics are leaving you confused because that's the point.

Also, while I know how it feels to think you don't deserve anything good, to feel that wanting anything at all makes you a horrible person, it's simply not true. What makes him so very much better than you that he deserves to have all of his ever changing, often conflicting whims attended to, while you don't even deserve basic courtesy or respect?

If it really was all you, you'd be feeling fine and he'd be the one thinking he was crazy.

But above all else, nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats you. Even if you were all the things he says you are then he should be trying to help you , not trying to destroy you. "
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Reply #23 - 08/22/13  10:54pm
" Yes, yellow,
he is changing. . . .

for the WORSE.

Every time he
gets one over
on you, he is
stronger and
feeling ever

You deserve

NOT ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
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Reply #24 - 08/23/13  1:07am
" The reason he was not upset about the cat, is because it never was about the cat. It was to show you that he could kill something and not feel a thing. It was a metaphor for how he felt about you/what he might do in your situation. As an added bonus, it stressed you and caused you to become anxious and scared.

That was his goal. He could have cared less about the cat. "

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