Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Found some info thought I'd share, if you'd like to visit the website the link is at the bottom
Just because abusers change partners they DO NOT, by default, change themselves, or their behavior.
My Ex is now dating someone whom he was sniffing around way back when we were still together. He is undoubtedly romancing / hoovering her. However, with any narcissist, that stage of the relationship (NRE in polyamory terms) is short-lived. Below is a detailed explanation from The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists about how narcissists such as my Ex charm their targets into emotional attachment in the beginning, only to execute a slasher routine to that attachment once the target is emotionally hooked into the relationship. What happens is that he becomes gradually or suddenly very dissatisfied and very critical and verbally abusive with his new partner whom he so idealized previously:
The Admiration/Idealization Dynamic
Generally the NPD person will not be threatened enough in the beginning of a relationship to immediately craft warfare. Far more common is the approach of absorbing you or your abilities, and this would potentially occur through a combination of strategies. A more covert NPD person will shower you with his charm and charismatic display of humor, drama, or wit. With such a captivating performance, you may feel disoriented, off-balance, and unsure of whats going on. You may also feel completely enamored with his personality and apparent confidence. In these situations you invariably feel a sense of intoxication that you are being courted in this way.
The power of the NPD person to bring you into unconscious agreement with his belief that he is someone truely extraordinary is possibly the most remarkable feature of the narcissist. Before you know whats happening, you may be following his lead, enjoying the charisma, or perhaps intimidated by his persuasiveness, power, and authority. You may not realize that you are losing track of your agenda and, at the same time, deferring to his.
The narcissists belief that you, too, are special because he has selected you to associate with him is the other compelling force at work. In fact, who isnt vulnerable to the warming glow of admiration, especially from someone with such apparent personal power? If we add that you also admire him for his accomplishments, or that he is able to facilitate your goals, the charm of the NPD person may indeed be irresistable!
In the circumstance of mutual admiration or an exciting shared goal, you can maintain an observing eye on the potential for the narcissistic dynamic. You will learn to maintain conscious awareness of the intoxication of mutual positive regard due to the fact that it becomes both an idealization and distraction dynamic causing you to forgo your desires and lose your ability for self-care. Perhaps nothing inspires us to forget our agenda more easily than the temptation of infatuation, which tends to induce a sense of feeling larger than life. Basking in the glow of mutual admiration with the narcissist, we may easily gain an inflated sense of ourselves.
Behind the scenes of this heady experience is the insidious conditional expectation of the narcissist. As he lavishes you with his attention, opportunities for special status, or financial enhancement, he also induces you in to a sense of obligation and disproportionate loyalty. His expectations for the return on his investment will eventually be clear. Setting limits on his unrealistic expectations will be greatly influenced by your ability to keep track of your boundaries in the relationship.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, the NPD individual is often the pursuer with an ardent intent to capture you the idealized perfect partner. Whether the pursuit is subtle or direct, the NPD individual will not rest until he secures his goals for the relationship. You may literally be swept off your feet by his adoration and intensity. This initial phase of the relationship, which is characterized by the NPD persons idealization of you, will be followed by a subtle or not so subtle turning of the tables once the relationships is secured. The NPD persons increasing dissatisfaction with you just as you are risking significant emotional investment can be painful and baffling. You may find yourself asking. What happened to the love we shared? Your concern and uneasiness around questions like these are important signals that alert you to the potential of a serious narcissistic dynamic in the person you love.
In my experience, this DEVALUATION phase began at about 4-6 months. Small digs, criticisms, and reminders of his superiority began and escalated over the course of four years until it became constant and included verbal beratement and constant put-downs, name-calling, being made the butt of scornful, derogatory and hurtful jokes and repeated public humiliation. These became DAILY occurrences such that I could not have ANY interaction with him without these things occurring at least once. Then he had the AUDACITY to complain that I was angry, depressed, and had low self-esteem. It either NEVER occurred to him that his treatment of me during those four years might have caused that OR he simply refused to acknowledge or take responsibility for what hed done to me and to our relationship.
I have no reason to believe that he will treat his new love any differently once the devaluation phase kicks in as this man is very much a narcissist and that is their pattern partner after partner.
Further, they take no blame or responsibility for the hurt they cause their partners with this dynamic. They never admit wrongdoing, take responsibility for their actions, or apologize. Most often, when confronted with something hurtful they did or said, they become VERY defensive and retaliate by escalating their scorn and abuse heaping even more atop still-fresh emotional wounds. Denial, blame, projection and minimization, along with scorn and retaliation is all youll get from them. Empathy and understanding will be non-existent. If you are emotionally bleeding, they will insist that is YOUR fault, nevermind they are standing right in front of you with the bloody verbal machetti they just slashed you with.
In no way do I harbor any negative feelings for his new partner. To the contrary, I feel badly for what I know he will subject her to once he goes into devaluation mode and that continues to escalate against her over time. He did it to me. He did it to all the others.
They do NOT change. Only their PARTNERS do.
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=135
Just because abusers change partners they DO NOT, by default, change themselves, or their behavior.
My Ex is now dating someone whom he was sniffing around way back when we were still together. He is undoubtedly romancing / hoovering her. However, with any narcissist, that stage of the relationship (NRE in polyamory terms) is short-lived. Below is a detailed explanation from The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists about how narcissists such as my Ex charm their targets into emotional attachment in the beginning, only to execute a slasher routine to that attachment once the target is emotionally hooked into the relationship. What happens is that he becomes gradually or suddenly very dissatisfied and very critical and verbally abusive with his new partner whom he so idealized previously:
The Admiration/Idealization Dynamic
Generally the NPD person will not be threatened enough in the beginning of a relationship to immediately craft warfare. Far more common is the approach of absorbing you or your abilities, and this would potentially occur through a combination of strategies. A more covert NPD person will shower you with his charm and charismatic display of humor, drama, or wit. With such a captivating performance, you may feel disoriented, off-balance, and unsure of whats going on. You may also feel completely enamored with his personality and apparent confidence. In these situations you invariably feel a sense of intoxication that you are being courted in this way.
The power of the NPD person to bring you into unconscious agreement with his belief that he is someone truely extraordinary is possibly the most remarkable feature of the narcissist. Before you know whats happening, you may be following his lead, enjoying the charisma, or perhaps intimidated by his persuasiveness, power, and authority. You may not realize that you are losing track of your agenda and, at the same time, deferring to his.
The narcissists belief that you, too, are special because he has selected you to associate with him is the other compelling force at work. In fact, who isnt vulnerable to the warming glow of admiration, especially from someone with such apparent personal power? If we add that you also admire him for his accomplishments, or that he is able to facilitate your goals, the charm of the NPD person may indeed be irresistable!
In the circumstance of mutual admiration or an exciting shared goal, you can maintain an observing eye on the potential for the narcissistic dynamic. You will learn to maintain conscious awareness of the intoxication of mutual positive regard due to the fact that it becomes both an idealization and distraction dynamic causing you to forgo your desires and lose your ability for self-care. Perhaps nothing inspires us to forget our agenda more easily than the temptation of infatuation, which tends to induce a sense of feeling larger than life. Basking in the glow of mutual admiration with the narcissist, we may easily gain an inflated sense of ourselves.
Behind the scenes of this heady experience is the insidious conditional expectation of the narcissist. As he lavishes you with his attention, opportunities for special status, or financial enhancement, he also induces you in to a sense of obligation and disproportionate loyalty. His expectations for the return on his investment will eventually be clear. Setting limits on his unrealistic expectations will be greatly influenced by your ability to keep track of your boundaries in the relationship.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, the NPD individual is often the pursuer with an ardent intent to capture you the idealized perfect partner. Whether the pursuit is subtle or direct, the NPD individual will not rest until he secures his goals for the relationship. You may literally be swept off your feet by his adoration and intensity. This initial phase of the relationship, which is characterized by the NPD persons idealization of you, will be followed by a subtle or not so subtle turning of the tables once the relationships is secured. The NPD persons increasing dissatisfaction with you just as you are risking significant emotional investment can be painful and baffling. You may find yourself asking. What happened to the love we shared? Your concern and uneasiness around questions like these are important signals that alert you to the potential of a serious narcissistic dynamic in the person you love.
In my experience, this DEVALUATION phase began at about 4-6 months. Small digs, criticisms, and reminders of his superiority began and escalated over the course of four years until it became constant and included verbal beratement and constant put-downs, name-calling, being made the butt of scornful, derogatory and hurtful jokes and repeated public humiliation. These became DAILY occurrences such that I could not have ANY interaction with him without these things occurring at least once. Then he had the AUDACITY to complain that I was angry, depressed, and had low self-esteem. It either NEVER occurred to him that his treatment of me during those four years might have caused that OR he simply refused to acknowledge or take responsibility for what hed done to me and to our relationship.
I have no reason to believe that he will treat his new love any differently once the devaluation phase kicks in as this man is very much a narcissist and that is their pattern partner after partner.
Further, they take no blame or responsibility for the hurt they cause their partners with this dynamic. They never admit wrongdoing, take responsibility for their actions, or apologize. Most often, when confronted with something hurtful they did or said, they become VERY defensive and retaliate by escalating their scorn and abuse heaping even more atop still-fresh emotional wounds. Denial, blame, projection and minimization, along with scorn and retaliation is all youll get from them. Empathy and understanding will be non-existent. If you are emotionally bleeding, they will insist that is YOUR fault, nevermind they are standing right in front of you with the bloody verbal machetti they just slashed you with.
In no way do I harbor any negative feelings for his new partner. To the contrary, I feel badly for what I know he will subject her to once he goes into devaluation mode and that continues to escalate against her over time. He did it to me. He did it to all the others.
They do NOT change. Only their PARTNERS do.
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=135
Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same relationship cycle, no matter whom theyre dating or for how long. Relationships with them are always castlesor, sometimes, marriagesbuilt on sand. Today Ill describe the entire process of psychopathic seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end.
In their book on psychopaths in the workplace, entitled Snakes in Suits, Babiak and Hare state that the psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. This process may take several years or only a few hours. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. If the psychopath wants the semblance of respectabilitya screen behind which he can hide his perverse nature and appear harmless and normalhe may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a couple of hours. If he wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he may stay with you for as long as you excite him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, youll be discarded (or be led by the psychopaths bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs.
Babiak and Hare explain that although psychopaths are highly manipulative, the process of idealize, devalue and discard is a natural outgrowth of their personalities. In other words, its not necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship. Overall, however, whether consciously or not, psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. (Snakes in Suits, 42) During the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatevers been missing from their lives. If youre recovering from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. If youve suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. If youre going through financial difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous.
During the manipulation phase, Babiak and Hare go on to explain, psychopaths construct the psychopathic fiction. They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to outrageous lies since, in reality, theyre just the opposite. In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. While seeming your complement, they also present themselves as your mirror image. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities. Babiak and Hare observe: This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique, equalforever. (Snakes in Suits, 78)
Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as weve seen, many of their victims dont heed the warning signals. During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags. Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that hes got you on the hook or until hes gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets. He shows his true colors when hes got no incentive left to pretend anymore. As Babiak and Hare note, Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victimthat is, when the victim is no longer usefulthey abandon the victim and move on to someone else. (Snakes in Suits, 53)
This raises the question of why a psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place. Why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? One obvious response would be that they do it for the sport of it. They enjoy both the chase and the kill; the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that theyre something theyre not. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing this fiction. Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, its always because he wants something from that person. I think, however, that this explanation is somewhat reductive. Many psychopaths experience powerful obsessions that resemble intense passions. Besides, this explanation doesnt distinguish conmen, who fake their credentials and interest in a person, from psychopaths in love, who are pursuing their targets for what initially seems even to them as romantic reasons.
A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, might look something like this: as research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding ephemeral and superficial, at best. When they want somethingor someonethey pursue that goal with all their might. They concentrate all of their energies upon it. When that goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake. Youre a means to an end. You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. But when their goal is actually youseducing you or even marrying youthen their pursuit feels like an idealization. Temporarily, you represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. But this feeling of euphoria doesnt last long because its empty to the core. As weve observed, once psychopaths feel they have you in their grasponce your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on themthey get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. Weve also seen in Cleckleys study that the same logic applies to their other goals as well. Psychopaths tire rather quickly of their jobs, their geographic location, their hobbies and their educational endeavors. But it hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself.
Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit. Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at dosing, or giving you just enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the devaluation. Its as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet steadily. One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low. Occasionally, he throws you a bonetakes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving thingsto lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that youre being mistreated. If the psychopath allows himself to treat you worse and worse its not only because youre much less exciting in his eyes. Its also because hes conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of punishing you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will.
But at some point, when he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship. Because he has lowered your self-esteem, you ask yourself why this has happened and what you did wrong. If he cheated on you, you blame the other woman or women involved. The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. In fact, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship. He leads you to blame yourself. He also inculpates the other women. He implies that you were not good enough for him. He claims that the other women tempted or pursued him. But thats only a diversionary tactic. You have flaws and you made mistakes, but at least you were honest and real. The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum of the Earth or anything in between. Think about it. Does it really matter who and what they were? You are not involved with the other women. They are not your life partners, your spouses, your lovers or your friends. What matters to you most is how your own partner behaves. He is primarily accountable for his actions. Not you, not the other women.
Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games. When you actually pay attention to what they say instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear, their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible. What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others. If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since thats probably what they did to those women. Their lies serve a dual function. They help establish credibility with you as well as giving them the extra thrill of deceiving you yet again.
So why were you discarded? you may wonder. You were devalued and discarded because you were never really valued for yourself. As weve seen, for psychopaths relationships are temporary deals, or rather, scams. Analogously, for them, other human beings represent objects of diversion and control. The most flattering and pleasant phase of their control, the only one that feels euphoric and magical, is the seduction/idealization phase. Thats when they pour on the charm and do everything they possibly can to convince you that you are the only one for them and that theyre perfect for you. Its very easy to mistake this phase for true love or passion. However, what inevitably follows in any intimate relationship with a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering. Once they get bored with you because the spell of the initial conquest has worn off, the way they maintain control of you is through deception, isolation, abuse, gaslighting and undermining your self-confidence.
Thats when you realize that the devaluation phase has set in. You do whatever you can to regain privileged status. You try to recapture the excitement and sweetness of the idealization phase. You want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were in his eyes. But thats an impossible goal, an ever-receding horizon. Every womens shelter tells victims of domestic violence that abuse usually gets worse, not better, over time. For abusers, power is addictive. It works like a drug. The dosage needs to be constantly increased to achieve the same effect. Control over others, especially sexual control, gives psychopaths pleasure and meaning in life. To get the same rush from controlling you, over time, they need to tighten the screws. Increase the domination. Increase the manipulation. Isolate you further from those who care about you. Undermine your confidence and boundaries more, so that youre left weaker and less prepared to stand up for yourself. The more you struggle to meet a psychopaths demands, the more hell ask of you. Until you have nothing left to give. Because you have pushed your moral boundaries as low as they can go. You have alienated your family and friends, at the psychopaths subtle manipulation or overt urging. You have done everything you could to satisfy him. Yet, after the initial idealization phase, nothing you did was ever good enough for him.
It turns out that hes completely forgotten about the qualities he once saw in you. If and when he talks about you to others, its as if he were ashamed of you. Thats not only because he lost interest in you. Its also the instinctive yet strategic move of a predator. If your family, his family, your mutual friends have all lost respect for youif youre alone with him in the worldhe can control you so much easier than if you have external sources of validation and emotional support. Psychopaths construct an us versus them worldview. They initially depict your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form. This is of course always a fiction. In fact, the opposite holds true. An intimate relationship with a psychopath is far inferior to any normal human relationship, where both people care about each other. Such a relationship is necessarily one-sided and distorted. Its a sham on both sides. Being a consummate narcissist, he loves no one but himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires.
If and when he does something nice, its always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside. And even though you may be capable of love, youre not in love with the real himthe cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he isbut with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time. From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial.
But pretty soon, when you find yourself alone with the psychopath, you see its not us versus them, your couple above and against everyone else. Its him versus you. He will act like your worst enemy, which is what he really is, not as the best friend and adoring partner he claimed to be. If he criticizes you to othersor, more subtly, fosters antagonisms between you and family members and friendsits to further wear you down and undermine your social bonds. Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard. Before you were beautiful and no woman could compare to you. Now youre at best plain in his eyes. Before you were cultured and intelligent. Now youre the dupe who got played by him. Before you were dignified and confident. Now youre isolated and abject. In fact, right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bondsall for himthe psychopath discards you.
Hes had enough. Hes gotten everything he wanted out of you. Bent you out of shape. Taken away, demand by demand, concession by concession, your dignity and happiness. As it turns out, the reward you get for all your devotion and efforts is being nearly destroyed by him. Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only hisor fulfilling yours to gain his approvalhas transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were.
He uses your weaknesses against you. He also turns your qualities into faults. If you are faithful, he sees your fidelity as a weakness, a sign you werent desirable enough to cheat. Nobody else really wanted you. If you are virtuous, he exploits your honesty while he lies and cheats on you. If you are passionate, he uses your sensuality to seduce you, to entrap you through your own desires, emotions, hopes and dreams. If you are reserved and modest, he describes you as asocial and cold-blooded. If you are confident and outgoing, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy. If you are hard working, unless he depends on your money, he depicts you as a workhorse exploited by your boss. If you are artistic and cultured, he undermines your merit. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. Youre lucky that it ever interested him. After the idealization phase is over, theres no way to please a psychopath. Heads you lose, tails he wins. But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud.
The process of the psychopathic bond is programmatic. Its astonishingly elegant and simple given the complexity of human behavior. Idealize, devalue and discard. Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (in)human being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others. 1) Idealize: not you, but whatever he wanted from you and only for however long he wanted it. 2) Devalue: once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest. 3) Discard: after hes gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets.
For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isnt really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. Its not about you. Its not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs. He wasnt with them because theyre superior to you. He was with them for the same reason that he was with you. To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect. He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard. Rinse and repeat. This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/
Thanks for the valuable info.