Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

It's because of the fear we feel toward our abuser. I too planned my exit for months before leaving and felt very guilty and afraid. I was afraid of his reaction most of all. I also had a strange giddy feeling as if I were escaping from prison, and I actually kind of enjoyed that part.

For me, when I married I made the ultimate vow. In leaving, I felt that I was breaking that vow, throwing in the towel, and giving up. In reality, I liberated myself...it was the scariest and best thing I ever did for myself.

The fear and guilt you feel is normal. Just forget you are not alone...hugs to you, hon, whilst you plan your escape to freedom.

I know why you feel the way you do. I felt the same way. But here is what I have learned and discerned to date.

My stomach was in knots because I feared turning out like him.

I learned the only way to break free from him, was to use his tactics against him.

I had to mimic him in order to deal with him and escape.

Once gone. All the lying I did, mimicing, and using his tactics stopped. I was no longer trapped. I was free.

Women who are subjected to abuse have a tendency to abhor anything evil. We stay with abusive men hoping that we can redeem them and they become moral people.

An abusive person will always be abusive. The only way that you can make it stop is to turn the tables or enact no contact.

That is what worked for me.

I felt like a thief..like I was robbing him of....

me.

I was his possession, in his mind, so I really did feel like a thief.

it was scary, and hard.

and I'm not a liar or a sneak, but I had to lie, and to sneak.

so, so hard!

but yeah, it was also a little bit fun, like being in a movie..being stealthy..

and I made it out.

and now I don't have to lie or sneak.

for me it was taking control of the situation myself. I was so used to handing the control over to him (didnt know i was doing this) so somewhere in my mind taking this control was like saying i would also have to take the responsibility of the outcome of my decisions. So i was scared of his reaction. Was scared of making a mistake. Was scared that perhaps it would turn not i really was mad and too over dramatic. Also the same as what Rachel said about taking me away from him. I felt sorry for him as if somehow i would be causing him upset and ruining his life.

There are lots of reasons for your fear and guilt, most of which have been set out by others.

You are used to having him control your every thought, in order to keep the peace. What you are doing now is NOT going to "keep the peace", so that's pretty scary. You are also used to not being allowed to do things for yourself, so doing something for yourself brings a "trained" guilt response. You are quite justifiably afraid, no doubt, that your abuser will find out what you are doing - and that his reaction won't be pretty.

Also, being sneaky, lying, going behind someone's back - these are not things we typically do. I felt AWFUL lying to my ex when I went to see a lawyer about how to get him out of my house. It's not like I could safely have told the truth, I knew I was doing the right thing (just as you know you are doing the right thing), but it's so far from who we really are as people, that it's bound to cause some uncomfortable feelings.

What worked (a bit) for me was to just keep reminding myself that I was doing what was necessary to save myself and my son from a horrible situation. Sometimes, the end DOES justify the means, especially if there simply is no other way. And in your situation (and mine at the time), there is no other way.

Keep focussed on the prize - freedom.