Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

It comes down to you, kaz. You choose to be yourself instead of worrying what he will think or do. If he reacts badly to you just being yourself, you walk away.

I'm not in a relationship, but I have felt a little of that healthy thing. And I have learned that the key is me. Not that I can change an abuser - I can't teach someone how to treat me, but I can act the way I want to be treated, and anyone who has a problem with that can see my back.

What SHE said!!!!!!!!!!!

I should add, when you don't HAVE to walk away, because he doesn't react badly ... yes, it does feel unusually good.

It's actually a challenge and a relief.

Relieving, of course, because the abuse isn't happening.

A challenge because I seem to be waiting for that shoe to drop, thanks to a long chain of abusive relationships. Despite all of the abuse I endured, I still crave being close to someone, being able to vulnerable and feel safe. I still want to trust, even though part of me doesn't want to ever trust anyone again.

I've been in my non-abusive relationship for 2 years now. It's been a very interesting ride, to say the least. I have a lot of triggers from childhood as well as the relationships I've had. After my last relationship, something inside of me shifted. I used to be able to bounce back and run headlong into the next relationship all giddy, but not this time. This time, I was finally fully aware of all the abuse I had endured and there was so much of it, my life had been so full of it, that I wasn't quite sure I would ever want to trust anyone. My mother abused me, my father neglected me, my step-father played along with my mother, my friends used me, my boyfriends abused me, even some of my bosses and co-workers were abusive. It quite literally felt like abuse had permeated the entirety of my life and that everyone I met was abusive. Who would want to trust in that kind of environment??

Then, I met my fiance, and I swallowed a crap ton of fear to just go out on a date. He didn't get offended when I said I wanted to met him in a public location and we could go from there. He wasn't offended that I would not let him meet my children or know where I lived unless we became serious. He also wasn't offended that there would be ZERO sex also unless we became serious. Among other things were that he spoke about his ex nicely (even though she was really psycho and held a gun to his head) and he never tried to "charm" me. In fact, he struck me as rather dull and I wasn't sure I even wanted a second date. However, I went on the second date because I thought that at least I might end up with a good friend.

The first time I had an issue, because I was living at my mother's with my two kids at the time, he was supportive. He didn't try to tell me what to do. In fact, he tried to help me figure out ways to cope with it for myself. He never got angry if I had to end a conversation for whatever reason. He didn't question my opinion or tell me my ideas were crazy.

So, after a couple of weeks of that, I decided to take a risk and tell him the truth. I told him about the abuse...all of it. I told him I was a basket case from it all. I told him I had PTSD. I told him I had dreams and I wanted to pursue them. And I even told him that I didn't know if I could EVER trust anyone again.

His reply...."I don't think you're a basket case. I'm sorry you had to experience all of that. And I think you're worth the risk."

I told him he was crazy.

The rest...is history. We've been together ever since. Not once has he called me a name or told me any of the negative BS I've heard before. In fact, his most favorite thing to tell me is that I'm worth it....no matter what the subject may be.

Is it pure joy? No. It's hard. I fight against treating him like an abuser. I fight against being afraid. I deal with more triggers than I ever though imaginable. And he's still here, gently holding my hand and telling me he loves me. He has more patience than I do! It's gotten easier in some ways and tougher in others. Easier because I no longer have nightmares and flashbacks. Tougher because I keep uncovering more and more automatic responses that are based entirely in my past.

Is it worth it? Absolutely! It's priceless.

Being in a healthy relationship is still a challenge for me. I have been so used to all the unrest and drama, that I have to work on being satisfied with a normal, healthy man and the life we have together. I work on myself daily to overcome my past by writing in my journal and coming to my groups on DS.
One thing is sure; just because it's a healthy relationship does not mean that we never disagree. It means that when we do disagree we are respectful of each other and settle our differences by talking about them. I don't fear his rejection or abuse just because I have my own opinion and don't go along with what he says!
It's work, but well worth it.

arrr it does sound like bliss, thanks jillie!!!

I liked the part were u thought he seemed rather dull but went on a second date anyway - so glad for u that u went on that 2nd date!

Yes, the "dull" feeling.
When you've been raised and lived with abusers, you get so used to the strife, that when it's gone...well it does seem boring sometimes!

I just wish I could rid my mind of all the residue and be content with my "normal" existence. The existence that I have sought out for myself.

I didn't say everything I wanted to say....my 6 year old was pestering me for more food after already eating just about everything else in the house for breakfast.....lord that boy can put away food!

Anyway.....what its like is this:

There are rarely any arguments...I think we've had two. And they were so minor that I'm not even sure you could classify them as arguments.

People's feelings get hurt sometimes....that's normal. It's how it's dealt with that makes the difference. He accepts responsibility for his actions. He doesn't make excuses. He apologizes if he's inadvertently hurt my feelings and he makes adjustments to his behavior or wording to prevent it from happening again. I do the same for him. I accept responsibility for my actions. I also accept responsibility for working on my triggers....which is very important, because my automatic responses can and do hurt his feelings. We actually talk out our issues and seek out solutions to resolving them...together. We forgive each other.

We accept each other for the people we are. Neither one of us tries to change the other, but sometimes we choose to change because it will benefit our lives as individuals and a couple.

There's no name-calling, no demeaning comments or criticizing, no yelling, no lies, no half-truths, no hidden agendas, and no games. We relate to each other in the most drama-free manner possible....although life can sometimes throw a little drama our way, but we deal with it, openly and honestly. There is NO BLAME in our relationship. NONE.

It takes work. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and they certainly don't run themselves. But it does take two people who are willing to make it work for it to actually benefit those two people. There's no fairy tale. It isn't romantic bliss 24/7. I'd love to say it was, but it simply isn't. That's the real nature of being part of a couple.

I wouldn't know, and what the ladies above say sounds really great.

I can say that I think I have at least made a friend with a non-abuser. It's a very foreign experience to say the least. The biggest thing I noticed... not pressuring me into a serious relationship right away. He's ok with just being friends. He doesn't "stalk" me by calling constantly or making me feel guilty if I don't stay on the phone for hours. He isn't insecure or a whiner. He doesn't try to make me feel sorry for him. He doesn't lecture me or tell me what to do. He listens.

I'm still not sure if I'll ever date again or not, but at least if I do, I know that non-abusers ARE out there. And I'll be less afraid to call things off if I see even one little red flag.

For me, it was just bliss to leave my abuser. Having the freedom to live my life the way I want 24/7/365 was pure, unadulterated bliss.

Being in a non-abusive relationship is actually a bit of a struggle. It is a little dull. There is no rollercoaster. I get daily words of encouragement from my healthy bf. He likes me and who I am.

The part I like best about my healthy relationship is that he doesn't keep tabs on me. He is not obssesed with who calls on the phone or who I go out with. He trusts me.

He has not noticed that I have chosen to wear the same pair of earrings for over a year now! I know that's weird, but my abusive husband was obsessive about my appearance, so for me, wearing the same pair of earrings is an act of convenient rebellion.

I have noticed I have trouble trusting my non-abusive bf 100%. We have dated for over 2 years, and we have lived togther now for over a year, and I think part of me is still waiting for him to "turn mean" on me. I think that after we have loved and lost to an abuser it is so, so hard to trust anyone again. I keep more to myself and that is OK.