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We were both hurt....why is he okay?!?!
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I am mad, really mad at my brother.
He posted a facebook message just now saying "my dream is to buy, break down, build and completly refurbish my own home, just like my dad...following in his footsteps" I don't get why I am mad but I am and hurt. My dad hit us both, badly, he was worse with me as me as I'm a girl and mum said (he just wants to keep you from getting pregnant and wants to protects you). He tied me up and beat me with belts. He whiped us with sticks he broke off tree's he chased me around the house with a tennis racket, belt, show, skipping rope, plank of wood, whatever he could get his hands on. He hit us for years. He stopped hitting my brother at around 15-16 as he grew 5-6 inches taller than my dad and became very strong, much stronger then my dad due to body building. But he continued with me till I left home at 19. We have a very aquard relationship and it's hard to be around him, we have nothing to talkbout and I just cannot chill when I'm with him so I rarely go home. Yet my big brother still lives at home and seems quite happy there?!?!?!?! There doesn't seem to be any animosity between him and my dad and they get on fine. Now he''s saying he wants to be like him?!?!?!?!? Has he forgotten what he did to us??? I was terrified for years living at home and it made my bulimia awful. I still cant have a proper relationship with a guy because of it, I am always scared to not being able to defend myself, yet my brother seems totally fine and unfazed??? I am worried that maybe over thought this stuff. Maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I should be over it, I really don't know. I just dont get why he isn't bothered by this. Why am I the only one who has nightmares, why am I the only one who has developed and eating disorder and has several other fucked up issues, Am I just to sensitive? I don't understand I do not understand?! Posted on 07/26/12, 03:52 pm |
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You are NOT "too sensitive."
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's probable that your brother "identifies" with your father, on the basis of their both being male. Have you had any kind of counseling or therapy. If not, I urge you to find some and utilize it. You have NOT "over thought" your abuse. Neither are you "making too much" of what you went through. What happened to you was HORRIBLE. How can you be over it, if you've never been treated for the injuries inflicted on you? If you haven't already, please look for and get some therapy. Therapy has helped many of us. Certainly, you need immediate treatment for the eating disorder that's resulted from your having been abused. As far as your brother. . . . . my hunch is that he's in denial and it's easier for him because he identifies with the perpetrator. Please take care of yourself. Sending you hugs and healing prayers. 
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Thanks for your reply. I feel like I cant even go home. I miss my mum soo much and my younger brother and sister. I go home every now and then but even over christmas I go home christmas eve and leave boxing day. I just cannot take being around him much.
No one seems to notice it or make reference to it???? Yet when I am around my dad the discomfort is immense. I asked my mum to take me to ikea tomorrow so she can deliver my purchases to my apartment and she went and asked my dad to drive. I was soooo mad at her and told her I didnt want to go again but she made me feel so guilty, so I told her I wouldn't go unless she came with me, which she is. Unfortunatly, what was supposed to be a lovely and rare shopping trip with my mum has now turned into the scary uncomfortable nightmare that I am dreading. I cant talk to him or have a be around him for so long and if I have to make conversation, it is just so forced and fake. I still have nighmares and still get trembly even thinking about him. I feel like I should love him. my younger sister is 'daddy's girl'. He adores her and she is his little princess. It makes me wonder, what it is about me that makes him dislike me so much? He says he loves me, but whenever I think about him, all I remember is him looming over me with whatever he could find to hit me or dragging me to church? I don't understand how my brother could be happy with him, we went through the same stuff and I just feel like I have noone to turn to now. i am from a gigantic family yet I just feel so alone. I was so close to my mum and still speak to her regularly but because my dad is around I barely get to see her I am just so regretful about this. No I havent had therapy for this. I did have a bit for my e/d but we didnt focus on it because it was just to hard. Just very upset now. still angry at my brother, just want to sleep for a few days.
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I'm sorry for all you have endured. How well your brother faired in life cannot be measured because he lives with you father. Does your brother have a significant realtionship? Is he performing in the world of school, work to his fullest potential? Because your brother is getting along with your father now, does not mean that at one point he will not come to the realization that you have come to. I view you in a better position in that you acknowledged all that went wrong.
I hope that you are seeking professional help. You have endured a lot. Hugs to you.
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But he seems fine?
His career has taken off, he is now a qualified surveyor, just graduated. got his driving licence, saving up for a mortgage? Broke up with gf but they are still friends. He has many friends. he's 6"2 absolutly huge, pure musle girls love him, he just seems to have it all? He can be a little volatile at times and can get quite agressive but not often? He's a bit quite but always has been. I don't know. He has everything and I seem to have nothing but issues?
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It's possible that he was only refering to rebuilding his home.
It's also possible that he feels very unloved by your dad (Hmm...wonder why huh?) and is trying to earn his love....and maybe that is how he is messed up. Perhaps he is continually trying to be good enough. I think you have every right to refuse to be around him at all. Perhaps you can find a way to visit with your mom and younger siblings without your father. Like not at their place. If I were in your shoes I'd call back mom and say that after all the beatings you had as a child you will not be shopping with your dad even if she is present. If she is trying to guilt you I think she doesn't want to admit to herself that what he did is wrong.
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I think because of your brother's size, your dad may feel too intimidated to cross him and probably feels somewhat intimidated in his presence. It could also be that your dad may be a narcissist and sees your brother as an extension of himself and now that he is so huge and strong , your dad chooses to see that side of himself in your brother, so now he shows him approval. It could be a combination of both. Too I think that as children he saw his children as weak versions of himself and on some level wanted to destry that part of himself so he abused you and your siblings but now that he's showing approval to your brother, he is getting what he always wanted from your dad so now your brother can put those bad mamories on the back burner and ignore them or he may even attempt to justify or excuse your dad's abuse. I'm sorry to say but I don't foresee your brother having a sudden realization or awakening about who your dad really is. It's easier now for him to sugar coat, exscusejustify or ignore his past abuse because of the seeming approval he's getting from your dad.
Your brither is the one that is living a fantasy. What he chooses to believe or remember isn't based on reality. You know the truth and I suspect that even if your dad should suddenly start being nice or showing you approval you would see right through him, unlike your brother. You aren't too sensitive and you have every right to NOT spend time with your dad. If your mom isn't willing to go shopping alone with you without your dad, then don't take her or make plans to go alone with her another day. You could just let her know you wanted to spend time alone with her without even getting into why you don't want your dad there.
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I just wanted to add that your dad's seeming approval of your brother is no reflection on you. Your brother is not any more deserving of his approval than you are. It's not about that. It sounds like it's about his narcissism to me.I get the impression that your sister doesn't disagree with your dad or come up against him in any way therefore she maintains his seeming approval. I get the impression that you were the target child as well as the stronger one. Getting your dad's approval isn't something to aspire to because it would always be about him anyhow. Know this that you are good enough just the way you are and you don't need your dad's approval to be a worthwhile or lovable person,
YOU ALREADY ARE.
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My mother was the abuser in the family. I was the target but my sister was mistreated as well.
My sister became enmeshed with my mother as a child for survival but as she got older she became like my mother and liked it. She was emotionally abusive, manipulative and an invalidator. When my mother died she wrote all these wonderful things about her, never mentioning the abuse of course. I have been told that the reason she wrote such great things about our mother is that she so identified with our mother that if she said anything bad about our mother it would be as if she was saying that about herself.
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Thanks guys for your replies, it has helped a little.
I was at my parents house today for dinner my brother wasn't there but my dad was. I did the usual, fake happy smiley, must not cause a scene act and it went smoothly of course I could only manage it for about 4 hours and then he dropped my home but because my sister and uncle was with me in the car it wasn't so bad. However now I am sitting in my cold flat desperate to binge and purge and fighting a battle I know is only a matter of time before I lose. You guys are right. I shouldn't seek his approval but I do. He is my dad and I desperatly want him to like me like he does my little sister. I would love to have that daddy daughter relationship that others have and what sucks more is it's not as though my parents are divorced and deceased. They are both alive and together yet I am STILL on the outside looking in. I know I should get over this but I just want a normal happy life. Is that asking to much? And if faking it for a few hours every now and then gets me that, isn't that worth it?
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But as you said, it's just an act.
Normal and healthy doesn't require 'faking it.' I think it was Anais Nin that said that when we are pretending the whole body revolts. (paraphrasing) You don't have to 'just be nice." You don't have to pretend. You don't have to act. You don't have to agree. You can tell the truth. You can get angry. You can speak your mind.
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