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Abuser has everyone fooled!!!.....
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It aggravates me so much that my husband comes off to everyone else as this nice guy...who would do anything for anybody....always has a smile on his face....is a hard worker.....etc. While these things are true, people do not see the other side to him....His Mr. Hyde.
I’m perfectly aware that I am the one that probably comes off looking like a b**** because I do not put on an act for people and pretty much, what you see is what you get. I have a hard time hiding my feelings. I’m guessing people probably think....”Oh, poor him! He is such a nice, easy going guy and his wife is so mean to him!” My mom is dying. He moved out several months ago....but still pops back in occasionally...professing his undying love....I keep letting him back in because I am lonely and he and my mom are really all I have....sad, but true. It’s my own fault. He knows how sick my mom is and he still has pretty much cut me out of his life. There was no infidelity on my part or anything big like that to warrant his treatment of me. Anyway, thanks for listening. I am OK a lot of the time, but right now, I am having a bitter moment. Posted on 07/12/12, 12:43 am |
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I'm so sorry about your Mom.
I live with a "GREAT" guy too..... And your right people probably do think that about you. Lots of people thought that about me. He made sure of it. I know my H would start a huge fight before we went anywhere. It would leave me and the kids completely on edge. As soon as we got to the party or whatever...... BING.......Great guy. Me.....B*Tch. He would be loving, affectionate, doting (getting me drinks, food, changing a baby, ect....) and I couldn't stand to look at him. Think back to times you were going places or around others....how did he treat you beforehand? Once I realized that he was setting me up....(he knew I can't turn my emotions off that easy) with the help of my therapist, I disengaged from him and his behavior and I no longer react . I'm a much nicer person to be around now..... And the important thing is you know your a good person, and the people who can't see that don't deserve to be in your life..... 
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Awe....thank your for your reply. You know just what I'm talking about....down to the being set up business. One time he was at work. He called and we got into an arguement. I knew the guys he worked with were right there.....and he pops off and says to me "You sound like you're drunk." .....which I wasn't. I knew he said that for their benefit to make me look bad. I rarely drink at all.
I can always tell when he is in the truck with his co-workers, because his tone is different with someone around. ...and me....if I'm aggravated about something, I don't pretend I'm not....and I know they can hear me. Meanwhile, he continues the sweet act for their benefit. Yes, I like that word "disengage" I've been trying to do that a lot. It's so difficult not to react though! lol I also cannot turn emotions on and off just like that. Thank you for the encouragement.
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It is NOT your fault. And .. you say he and your mother are all you have, but ... do you really have him? Or is he more a source of pain than comfort?
I remember thinking my ex was all I had too. Until I truly let go - at which point I realised I hadn't had him anyways - at least not for a long time. As for what other people think? Well ... they don't know the truth, and that's what matters. I have been there, too, and it hurts. But at the end of the day, you know the truth. Do your best to try to let go - he's not helping you, he's feeding off you and you're helping him. He is NOT there for you.
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I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.
Of COURSE it's difficult to not react. That's precisely WHY it's CRUCIAL thay you disengage. . . . and the sooner the better!!!!!! You're on an abuse board and you've described an abuser. As long as you're around his toxicity, he will hurt you. The only way to stop being hurt is to end interaction with him. Sending you hugs and healing thoughts. Take good care!!!!!!!!
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I am sorry about your Mom. I lost my mom shortly after my youngest birth and still to this day I miss her deaply. I also know what you are feeling about starting a huge fight and having me come off as the bad person. I also do like the comment about disengaging. I will try that sinc my birthday is coming up shortly and I know he is planning something (to make him look good) with his buddies for MY birthday.
We are here for you. Take care.
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, it must be very difficult to cope with caring for your mum and also coping with the on-off situation with your husband.
These types of men do fool others they can put on an act of oscar winning quality but it is just that - an act. Their real selves come out in private Mr Hyde with those that love and care for them most. It is sad that he is doing this now when you need someone to give to you in a genuine and unconditional way, to offer you support and comfort at a stressful time. It might be difficult but try to cut him out from your life, he's not a genuine person, abusers aren't. xxx
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Thank you all very much!
We have gone to marriage counseling a few times recently and although, I don't think the counselor believes he is emotionally abusing me, is coming to the realization that he has been dishonest. In the counselor's office, he comes off as loving and committed to making things work. He's moved in with another woman...yet denies it. So yeah, he even had a psychologist fooled! We have another appointment with counselor together next week. I asked the counselor if, in the meantime, I should just stop taking his calls. The therapist advised for me not to stop taking his calls, but to let him know that there are doubts and inconsistencies in his behavior that need to be addressed. My gut told me to cut off all contact...but I am still weak and the therapist's comments just got me messed up again. I think I'm just going to cancel that last appointment and continue on with my divorce paperwork, which has already been intiated. Thank you....you all got me back on the right track again and headed down the better road!
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WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said exactly what I have been saying. How do they play the game so well in public that no one really knows them?????
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""""""""""""" I think I'm just going to cancel that last appointment and continue on with my divorce paperwork, which has already been intiated.""""""""""""
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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yes i would forget the counselling it really isn't helping the one person who truly needs it - you.
i do think that their denial of reality and lies are a form of brainwashing sometimes, keep saying something over and over and making others believe it, that's how cults work. it's a head job but the thing is you know he's lying. save yourself from this man, he will carry on like this indefinitely and you need all your healing energy for you and your mum xxx
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