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fear of not being special anymore :(
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i've been trying to be brutally honest with myself (like latch onto the FIRST idea that pops into my head when i think of certain issues involving my ex) so i can finally deal with it head on once and for all... and ok, and i think i've gotten to the bottom of this whole thing with him writing in an email to me "i was actually starting to develop feelings for her" (referencing his new girlfriend of three weeks... who is TWELVE YEARS younger than him - he's 33, she's 21)..
basically, my ex has only dated horribly trashy and classless women his entire life... by everyone's admission (his, theirs and all of their friends on the outside) each of those relationships have been as scrubby and horrible as the people involved.. then he met me.. i was six years younger than him, new to town (i had moved from out of state with my family and didn't know anyone.. didn't know anything about him) and the biggest goody-goody/marshy brady-ish girl ever.. and he just became OBSESSED with me... i was so young, i just thought it was true love but it was real, consuming obsession... everyone (including all of his ex-girlfriends, his family, friends, etc.) would go on and on about how they've never ever seen him like this... he spent two years filling my head with how special i am... after i left him he stalked me for a year... and everyone knew about it... and all anyone would ever say when his name would come up is how much he's in love with me... i realized how bad this was once i moved out of state and a year later (this past valentines day) he contacted me and confessed all of these really bizarre things he does to "stay close to me" (such as talking to me outloud, putting the strands of yarn from his quilt on his face and pretending it's my hair, etc.)... but even still, in a sick way it was this reaffirmation of how special i was... how NO ONE could replace me... when i moved back into town (a month ago) i contacted him and he IMMEDIATELY (we're talking THAT DAY) broke up with this 21 yr old girl he'd been seeing for a couple weeks (all i did was call and tell him i was in town! i had no idea he was dating someone - i don't have facebook or any social networking sites (because of him!!).. in retrospect i shouldnt have contacted him, but i was trying to take control and not have him cause a big scene in public if we ran into each other)... anyways, the next day he wrote me this email where he said he broke up with her and "it's a shame because i was actually sttarting to develop feelings for her..." over the next few days i saw him in person (once... and that's a WHOLE other story)... he literally got down on one knee and asked me to marry him... he sent me tons of emails and texts professing his undying love etc... but the one thing that sticks out in my mind is that one sentence!! after he realized i wouldnt take him back he got back together with that girl... i don't know any details and i haven't heard anything since (except a mutual friend telling me that "he'd dump her in a heart beat if you said the word")... ..so i think i've realized that the reason that sentence bothers me so much is because what if he actually DOES find a similar girl to me (wholesome etc... i mean this girl is 21, he's prob attracted to her innocence, i think it reminds him of me)... will that finally mean i'm not special anymore? i think that's the real problem deep down that bothers me... up until this point i HAVE been special... i was the ONE person he was really in love with... the ONE person that made him like literally unable to function because he was so consumed with me... and everyone knew how much he loved me... what if he actually develops feelings for this new girl - it will make me feel like i'm not special anymore. i know that's not rational. AT ALL. but when i'm honest that's my gut feeling. that i won't be special anymore... and that he'll realize (and everyone else will realize) that maybe i wasn't that special the whole time, because look he found someone else... any thoughts? please don't yell.. i know this isn't rational or logical and i should know better by now!! Posted on 07/11/12, 10:06 pm |
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Obsessive men are unreasonably good at making you feel like you're "the only one" and "The most special thing"..
One thing that bothers me is his attraction to "innocence" that was the first thing my abuser as a child kept bring up. So special, so innocent. It's scary honestly when people say that. It's the number one pedophile line. As for not feeling special. I think in a way that already hit you. He's got someone else who's his "second choice" and ti makes you wonder, "am I second to someone else too?" To be honest, you are special, but not because he is wanting you or obsessed with you. You are special, because you are a woman with unique, beautiful gifts for the world. The last thing you need is someone so obsessive they might take you out of it if you can't be theirs. Trust me, it's easy to find yourself wanting to go back to being "the queen of his universe" but, you get no real respect or real love when you're an object of admiration. I loved being an equal partner in my marriage. It was the most scary, liberating, beautiful feeling. Because I felt special that he chose ME as an equal out of all the women out there. Instead of being an object. I was always a woman of quality and an equal partner. You deserve to feel that way too. 
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The first thing I thought of when I read the sentence you were talking about, it almost was like he is saying it about something easily replaceable---like if someone bought a new carpet just to replace the old one, and they spilled something on it that stained it, and said "Aww, that's too bad, I was really starting to get used to that carpet." And the fact that he broke up with her the same day you contacted him sort of confirms my idea. Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone, so he dates the first girl that comes into the picture?
You already know how special and different you are compared to the other girls he has dated. Even if by some chance he does end up developing any sort of feelings (and even if he does, you don't know what the true dynamics are of his relationship with her) for this new girl, that doesn't change the fact that you are a wholesome girl with standards, who is refusing to accept anything less than what she deserves! And the fact that you have not continued a relationship with him is proof of that--- not only to yourself, but to everyone else, including that other girl!!!
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..guys thank u so much.. ive been trying so hard lately but sometimes intrusive thoughts/insecurities creep in (like that one) and then I literally can't focus on anything else (not even a tv show!) and it makes me so so sad bc I really want to move fwd from this.. thank u for answering, u have no idea how much it helps!!
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I'm not sure if I've mentioned this to you already, if I have, sorry... but you should probably look into co-dependents anonymous support group meetings. Even if you do get beyond this guy, you will be attracted to the same kind of guy until you can get some help for the co-dependent thing. So many of us crave that obsessive "love" and it takes time and therapy to get over that and see that it isn't real or healthy.
(((hugs)))
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There are nearly 7 billion people on the planet. Why does the professed opinion of one of them, even if he weren't an abuser who showed you no actual respect, define you?
You need to start to find your validation and your specialness and your worth within yourself, rather than relying on this one person to provide it for you.
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